Where the Crap is Conan: Red Nails?!

"Red Nails" was Robert E. Howard's last Conan tale to be published by Weird Tales magazine after his death in1936.  It is considered by most as one of Howard's finest stories.

Did you know that someone was turing "Red Nails" into an animated movie?  The answer to this question is most likely "yes," because they've been working on it since 2005 and it still isn't out yet.

 Valeria is looking pretty sexy in this poster

Ever since the initial announcement, Conan: Red Nails has been constantly pushed back for one reason or another.  In 2008, the guys making it at Swordplay Entertainment said they were busy "tweaking the animation" and acquiring the live-action rights to Conan.  The most reassuring thing they could tell us is that, "It looks like we're planning to release it in December '09."

First off, "tweaking the animation?"  Did someone screw this up?  Those three words alone tell me that the product they made so far did not meet up to their standards.  This statement, which cannot even confirm if they are planning to release it in 2009, boils down to, "we'll let you know next year, maybe."

Guess what?  It's 2010!  Yaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy!  Where the fuck is this movie?!

Okay, I've browbeaten Swordplay Entertainment enough.  I wouldn't even do this if it weren't for the fact that there has been no word since that statement in 2008 on the movie's status.  The official site for the movie has been dead silent since 2007.  The only thing I can find is on IMDb, which said that, since June 18 2009, it's still in post-production limbo.  There has complete radio silence over the project since then.  Does that sound evasive to you, too?

I can understand if the company doesn't want to put out a product it's not proud of.  If they really are making changes for the better, then I can accept that.  But my divine leniency comes with one condition: when this movie comes out (and it will come out, or there will be hell to pay), it better be the best goddamn thing I've seen in a long time or I'm going to get really pissed off.

And remember, 9 out of 10 doctors agree that pissing off the Kaiser significantly reduces your life expectancy (I couldn't get the 10th guy to stop talking about the importance of "prostate exams," so that was a bust).

Anyway, while we wait for Swordplay Entertainment to stop hiding under the bed, here's something to whet our longstanding appetites.

While I'm on the subject of animated projects that may never see the light of day, will we ever get the third movie in the Hellboy Animated series that was hinted at in the second one?  Yeah, I didn't think so, either.

This is bullshit.

Kaiser out