Monday, March 30, 2009

Random Weirdness - Every Monday

Raquel Welch - actress, model, sex symbol, and intergalactic... um, go-go dancer. Yeah, I don't get it, either.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Death to all Butt Metal

This has got to be one of the best videos I've seen in a long time. Now this is actually hair metal and not as hard as the real thing, but it's fucking hilarious.

Friday, March 27, 2009

The Best Scene in Watchmen

It was a toss up between this and the sex scene with Silk Spectre II showing off that sweet ass of hers, but this one edged out because there's no man in the equation.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Savage Anime Apocalypse

Anime is one of those great mysteries of life. The origins of anime are lost in the mists of time, but it probably had to do with some Japanese gods fighting... oh, I don't know, giant monsters and the Japanese people said, "That's fucking awesome." So they filmed it and that's how Godzilla and all those kaiju films came about. Then, when the gods and monsters found out they were being filmed, they got all camera shy and didn't want to fight without a better contract. But the gods had a shitty lawyer, so they just went off into the heavens to consume the Holy Pretz in peace. After the disappointment from the gods, the Japanese decided to draw their own badass fights using mystical technique known only to the wisest of sorcerers as animation. Now, America had already had animation, but that's because they stole it from the gods. It wasn't as good as the real thing and the guy who stole it got punished by being chained to the Eternal Shark as it swam for eons in the Sea of Rusty Knives. Anyway, Japan's animation was the real deal. Not only was it awesome, but it accurately depicted the average life of the Japanese. Everyone used their big robots to fight the demon overlord who ruled all of Japan and all the women had huge titties. Makes you want to move to Japan right now. It was such a huge hit, that they decided to bring it to the US to show them how much better it was over there. When I saw my first anime, I kept begging my mom to let us move to Japan. She said that robots and titties were not a good reason to move anywhere. Shows what she knows. Eventually, a large schism divided anime into two genres: Shonen anime (anything with robots, breasts, lasers, breast lasers, laser breasts, missles, breast missles, and any brutal martial arts, which may involve breasts) and crappy anime. Shonen anime is, by far, the superior genre, as crappy anime involves girls trying to have romantic relationships with other boys, sometimes, by dressing up and pretending to be a boy and it's all about deep emotions and shit. Needless to say, crappy anime sucks. To prove how awesome Shonen anime is, they decided to make pornographic anime and call it Hentai, which is japanese for, "Let's see some fucking." Hentai is characterized by women with even larger breasts than usual walking around, waiting for some guy to rip off their clothes and make her ride the Tokyo Tower. Sometimes, there's robots in there, but giant robot sex is kinda weird, unless it's two giant women in armor suits licking each other's gargantuan nipples. Then, it just kicks ass. Not to be outdone, crappy anime took the porno route too. What resulted is the greatest abomination known to man. I speak, of course, of Yaoi. Yaoi, which is japanese for, "Permanently Blinded by Cock Swordfight," is when two guys get naked and play fucked up games with each other, like "Whack-an-Ass" or "Bobbing for Scrotums." Not only is Yaoi a revolting sausagefest, it's also boring as hell. No robots. No violence. And titties? Boy, did you ever get off at the wrong street. Just guys kissing other guys - I don't want to see that. Fortunately, Shonen anime is still the predominant genre. Although, there are other types of anime that don't neatly fit into either category. Enter Hayao Miyazaki, a genius in the medium. He creates movies that are works of art. Sure, there may not have lots of violence or gratuitous amounts of hot, busty women, but he brings something special to his work: engaging characters, wonderful storytelling, beautiful artwork, and inspiring musical scores. Each Miyazaki movie is a masterpiece. I can't help but get a little misty eyed every time I watch a Miyazaki film. Don't think that I'm a pussy because of that, though. Anyone who is not moved by Miyazaki's films is a souless douchebag. Anyway, that's the history of anime. I leave you with an intro to two of my all-time favorite Shonen anime. Enjoy.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Savage Virtual Console Apocalypse

I love the Wii's Virtual Console service. Bringing all of my favorite titles from yesteryear right to my game system for a reasonable price. You want to play NES games? You got it. Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo games? Sure thing. TurboGrafx 16? Hell, we'll even throw in some of the TurboGrafx CD games for good measure. You want some Japanese games, too? Go right ahead. Domo arigato, Mr. Nintendo.

The Virtual Console could very well rule the world, but it doesn't.

Why? Well aside from the obvious (that being yours truly rules the world), it's not being utilized to it's fullest. Sure, they put some great games on there, but there's a lot of crap on there, too. Seriously, who wants to play Mach Rider, or the Adventures of Lolo, or Milon's Secret Castle (The Angry Video Game Nerd said it was terrible)? They even have Donkey Kong Jr. Math. Who the hell wants to play a math game?

And those are just in the NES games. Fortunately, the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis libraries are not as clogged with as many shitty games as the NES, but you can still find some crap lying around there. Not only that, but there are plenty of games that have yet to see the light of day on the service. Where are all the cool Enix games? You only have Actraiser available. Where's Soul Blazer or Illusion of Gaia? Hell, where's the Dragon Warrior series?

The weekly releases seem like just a small trickle, too. Initially, they said that there would be four games released every week. I think that might have happened only once or twice since its inception. During the winter, they usually only put out two games. And when it picks back up in the spring, you'll usually see up to three per week. Now, I understand that Nintendo can only do so much each week, so I'm not too bent out of shape about that.

Then comes the advent of WiiWare. At first, I thought, "Cool, some downloadable modern games." But then I realized that , instead of releasing three for the VC and one for WiiWare, the WiiWare release often took the spot of one of the VC releases. So now, if you're lucky, you get a WiiWare game and two VC games. Not to mention the fact that half the WiiWare games are nothing more than a bunch of shovelware. You want a shitload of mediocre puzzle games? No? Too bad. You wanna play a bean bag tossing game? Neither do I, but they made it, anyway. Oh, here's a good one. Do you want to have your own farm... full of Pokemon? Can you do anything with it? No, not really. You just watch them as they act all cute. That'll be ten bucks, please.

Sure, there are great games for WiiWare. I love Strong Bad's Cool Game For Attractive People. I even like some of the WiiWare iterations of classic francises, like Bomberman Blast and Gradius Rebirth. The last WiiWare game I picked up was Onslaught, a Japanese first person shooter. I don't know if any Japanese company has ever made a first person shooter before this. It feels very much like an arcade game, though. It's not bad.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that Nintendo's online game services are great, but they're not as awesome as they should be. I still think that the VC is better than WiiWare, mostly because the latter is full of fledgling video game companies trying to make a quick buck by flinging monkey shit, while the former is full of seasoned video game companies trying to make a quick buck by rereleasing all their old games, which, by the way, some of them are still monkey shit.

I'll leave you with one moment of promise for the service. This independent company, WayForward, made a puzzle-horror game called LIT. It has a simple premise and storyline, but the mix of horror and puzzle elements gives it a fresh hook. It's not a bad game at all. I just hope we see more forward thinking game developers who can keep giving us something that pushes the boundaries of gaming. We all know the Wii could use all the help it can get in that department.