Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Random Awesome - When Animals Go Metal!

Changes are in the air, my friends.  Slowly, but surely, the world is accommodating to my presence here by becoming a more metal Earth.  One day, the planet will tremble, the continents will violently shift, earthquakes will tear the continents, volcanoes will bleed their magma to the surface, hurricanes and floods will raise sunken lands and drown others into the deeps.  Many may die, but when the cataclysm dies down, the survivors will witness the birth of a new, Metal Earth.

You may ask, "Kaiser, how do you know these things?"  I say look to the beasts of the Earth.

When a great change comes, it is the creatures of the animal kingdom that notice the signs first.  Animals have been long known to have an intimate recognition of when a natural disaster will strike.  Beasts by the thousands have fled from their habitats hours before earthquakes, tsunamis, and hurricanes arose in those same spots.  Even domesticated animals, such as dogs, cats, and birds, have been known to exhibit erratic behavior before a disaster.

The evidence of the coming of my "Metal Earth" has already been captured on video.  Animals all over the globe have exhibited signs of becoming "more metal."  I present these exhibits of evidence for your perusal.

First, witness this bird as it discards its normal mating ritual for a dance that is more suitable in the mosh pits of Asgard:

Next, watch in awe as man's best friend utters the guttural sounds of the heaviest death metal.

This dog did not have the mental fortitude to withstand the psychic assault and lost the ability to properly bark.

This next video seems to be so unnerving, that people who posted it on YouTube refuse to allow it to be embedded for fear of it being seen by the "wrong" eyes. But they can't stop me from posting the link.

Even cats, who are known for the heightened psychic abilities they use to control their owners, are susceptible to speaking in brutal tongues; proof that even these sinister manipulators cannot withstand the power of metal.

Finally, behold the most metal beast on this Earth today. His possession was the first sign, and has remained a constant reminder, of the immanent Metal Age. People come from all over the world to visit the little village in Paraguay where he lives and listen to his prophecy of metal. To kill him is a crime punishable by the death of your entire bloodline. I speak, of course, of the one they call the "Death Metal Rooster."

As you see, all evidence points to the violent creation of the "Metal Earth" that I am working toward.  Most people ignore the signs, saying that "someone dubbed a metal soundtrack over these videos," but I know better.  Heed the prophecy, my Steel Legionnaires, and prepare thyselves.  The change shall come and you shall be the heroes of a new era, spreading the word of my great might to the ignorant masses.  Let them know that, now and forevermore, the Kaiser has come.

(If you're not a Steel Legionnaire, there's nothing I can do to save you.  You're probably going to die in the chaos.  But there's hope.  Go over to the sidebar, look for My Steel Legionnaires, and click the "Follow" button.  It's the only way you can be assured to survive the Earth changing violence.)

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Kaiser Returns

Oh, man.  That was one great vacation.  The pleasuredomes are some of the best destinations for rest and relaxation.  We did so much on our vacation, I'm having a hard time remembering it all.  I was mistaken about the Mongolian Polo.  We actually played a variation of Buzkashi (which players have to drag a dead goat to the goal on horseback).  in this variation, we had to kill the "goat" before we took it to the goal.  Once a goal was scored, they brought out a new "goat."  When I say "goat," I mean ferocious, flame-breathing Chimera.  Naturally, I scored nine points.

The vacation wasn't all just playing hard, though.  I ate enough exquisite food to last me a few years.  The Mrs. and I definitely took advantage of the "group massage" package.  It took their entire staff of concubines to suitably satisfy the two of us.  I must say, my wife's an insatiable minx.

Sadly, all good things must end.  I have a lot of great memories, but it's time to get back to my daily grind.  That means the Ablogcalypse is back, so let's get this beast running again.

First order of business:  Abdominus is FUCKING GROUNDED FOR ETERNITY!

Second, while I was on vacation, I met this guy, who, I think, is going to take the world by storm.
His name's Ironbeard McCullough.  He's known as the greatest monster hunter alive.  He's also the spokesman for the Monster Hunters Guild and an awesome guy to hang with.  The two of us got to talking after that spirited round of Buzkashi (he also scored nine points) and he said I'd make a good monster hunter.  I was intrigued, so I took him up on his offer to join the hunt with him on an island not too far from the pleasuredome.

You see, monster hunting involves groups of hunters tracking down ferocious beasts, such as dinosaurs, dragons, and sea monsters, and engaging them in a brutal fight to the death.  I loved every minute of it.  Ironbeard loaned me some equipment and guided me through the process as I stalked a Great Jaggi for my first kill.
Those things are tricky bastards.  The damn thing kept calling its young to fight alongside it (so much for protecting its young).  Ironbeard gave me a hand, but let me do most of the work.  That son of a bitch kept running from me until I had it cornered by a waterfall, where I practically hand fed him his own ass.  Its dying blood stained the stream as it fell with a thunderous crash.  Ironbeard said I definitely have the potential.

Before we left the island, we carved out a few tokens from our fresh kill.  I managed to take one of its claws as a trophy:
Nice, huh?  I've got it sitting on my desk right now.

Anyway, he asked me to help spread the word on monster hunting, as the guild is doing a new initiative to bring some new blood into the sport, as some of the old blood has been "spilled" (that means they got killed during hunts).  I figured what better place to start than my own Steel Legionnaires.  So if you guys crave savage, deadly combat with giant beasts and you have the right equipment (that would be a Nintendo Wii), I encourage you to join the others, like me, and become a hunter.  If any of you guys do decide to take up the hunt, let me know.  We can group together.  It'll be great.

Also, check out my hunting license that Ironbeard gave me on the sidebar.  I picked Pantera as my hunting alias because it sounds cool (it's Spanish for panther), plus the obvious reference to the old metal band.  I tried my hand at a couple of other beasts.  Right now, I'm hunting for the elusive Rathian.  That motherfucker won't know what hit him.

(For more info on Monster Hunter Tri, check out the post on my other blog, or go to the Monster Hunter Tri website.  Hope to see you in the hunt.)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to clean up the mess Abdominus left.  I found my neighbors, starved to death, in my basement, being devoured by their cat.  That was a little disturbing.  The cat gave me this bloodthirsty hiss, so I burned that foul thing from the inside.  I always knew cats were evil.

Kaiser out

Friday, March 12, 2010

It too damn warm!

Me Kaiser again.  Me start to miss winter.  Winter nice and cold.  Winter not here anymore.  Now it get warm.  Me no like it warm.  It rain a lot and get wet.  Me no like to get wet.  Me smell like dead yak when wet.  Me have to shave fur.  Me mean hair.  Kaiser no have fur like yeti.  Kaiser really hairy.  Me need to shave me hair before it get warmer and me smell like rotting dead yak.

Me miss home in mountains.  Me remember living in mountains with ice and snow and stinky goats.  Stinky goats me friends.  Stinky goats no mind if me eat them.  No stinky goats here.  Only loud screaming neighbors that me lock in basement.  They no make good friends.

It only get bad more.  It get too hot later.  Me have to shave all hair off me.  Me go around bald.  It embarrassing.  Me remember last year in summer.  It too damn hot!  Hard to keep cold.  One time me sneak into ice cream truck to keep cool.  Ice cream man no happy about that.  Many kids screaming when me smash truck.

Me sad now.  Me wish me back in nice and cold mountains.  Winter gone.  Me miss winter.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Me am Kaiser

Hello.  Me am Kaiser.  Me back.  Me am glad to be home.  Me Kaiser really am home.  Me am not Abdominus.  Me tell Abdominus no be on blog.  Abdominus no be on blog.  Abdominus am good yeti.  Me am Kaiser.

Me had big welcome back party.  All sexy ladies come for good time with me Kaiser.  Me had many sexy ladies, but me give some to Abdominus.  Abdominus am good yeti.  Me tell one sexy ladies to put on fur bikini.  Pretend to be sexy yeti.  Abdominus like very much!  Here.  You have picture.
Me like very much.  Me mean Abdominus like very much.  Me like too though me am Kaiser.

Big party had fun.  Many good times.  Party listen to metal.  Me play drums.  NO!  No.  Abdominus play drums.  Me no play drums.  Me am Kaiser.  Abdominus play good drums.  Metal good.  Big mosh pit in house.  Lots of stuff break but me am Kaiser.  Me no care.

Then neighbor cat came over.  Me hate neighbor cat.  Me tie neighbor cat up and shave cat.  Then me put cat in shopping bag and hang from tree.  Stupid cat.

Then me neighbors with cat came over.  They tell me they no like loud noise or shaved cat in tree.  They tell me they call police.  Me headbutt them and lock them in basement!  Me Kaiser!  Me no put up with their shit!

Everybody had good time.

Now me back and me do more writing in blog.  Me only write in blog.  No Abdominus.  Abdominus am good yeti.  Me think me give Abdominus blog so Abdominus can write too.

Me am Kaiser.