Sunday, January 9, 2011

No, I'm Not Coming Back, Just Yet...

I'm still keeping my distance from blogging, right now.  The reason is because I need to rethink my strategy, here.  For the past few years, I've tried my hand at many different segments for the blog - some were awesome, some sucked ass.  Then there are just those things that, while they're not so bad, they don't belong here.  Kaiser Crowbar's Ablogcalypse is a refuge of heavy metal, warriors, and unbridled fury.  Things like video games, and old school nostalgia (unless it has to do with heavy metal, warriors, or unbridled fury) feel out of place.

I say this because some weirdo came up to me, recently, and asked if it would be okay to use some of the segments I've had on my blog.  This guy, who calls himself Anacronus, the self-proclaimed "Titan of Old School," or whatever, said he had a place for a bunch of my old ideas, such as Games you should know about..., Forgotten Worlds, and a few others.  Just to get him to stop pestering the fuck out of me, I said yes.  It's not like I'm doing anything with them, anymore.  Hell, maybe he'll do a better job writing for them than I did (fat fucking chance of that happening).

So, if you enjoyed all that crap I used to do, go check out the "Veteran Cosmic Blogger" (what the fuck is that even supposed to mean?) on his blog, Time is a Spiral...

P.S. - No, I'm not giving up on the Ablogcalypse.  I'm just taking a break to come back, stronger than ever.  You think a little thing like writer's block is gonna stop me?  Fuck that shit!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Sucktoberfest #1 - Shitty Halloween Candy

Since time immemorial, kids have always gone to that one house that gave out crappy candy.  In the Roman Empire, when children dressed as Gladiators or their favorite Caesar for Halloween, no treat was as reviled as salted bark, which is exactly what it sounds like.  In ancient Ireland, if you gave out dried goat testes on Samhain, the kids would beat you on the head, throw you in a wicker man, and burn your motherfucking ass.  Chinese kids from the Han Dynasty were known to give adults the five-finger death punch if they put ox dung covered in birdseed in their emptied rice bags.

Okay, so I made that shit up, but I know that everyone who has ever gone Trick-or-Treating has come across some nasty ass candy in their bucket.  While it doesn't really ruin the Halloween festivities, it does make the next couple of days a dangerous trek through Candy Land.

Some of the hazards of sifting through your stash are easily avoidable.  If you've ever had a dentist in your neighborhood, you got either a toothbrush or (if they're really sadistic, which they usually are) dental floss.  Obviously, this is not candy, but your dentist does not give a shit.

Another one that's easily avoided are fruits.  This includes apples, oranges, and, yes, raisins.  Thanks to the horror stories of deranged neighbors putting razors, needles, and poison into fruit, which never happened, parents would always throw the apples and oranges out.  As far as those raisins are concerned, no kid in their right mind would eat them.  Even if you like raisins, the mushy, sticky, Halloween variety should be avoided like the plague.

The treats you really have to watch out for are those candies that, one way or another, fuck up your mouth like piranhas on a bloody stump.  First are the ones that will shatter your jawbone, like that fucking hard bubble gum (Bazooka gum is hard, but Dubble Bubble could cut diamond).  I fucking hate gum, especially bubble gum, especially bubble gum that breaks your goddamn teeth.  I remember those Bazooka Joe comics that came with every wrapper of Bazooka.  I just read the comics and threw the gum away.  That shit was terrible.

I don't know how you lost an eye, Joe, but I do know how I lost
 my fucking teeth, you goddamn cyclops!

Then there's jawbreakers, which, in a reasonable size, aren't that bad.  But when you get one of those honking big jawbreakers, it's a fucking nightmare.  Either you end up dislodging your jaw or you're left with a slobbery ball of sugar that just collects dirt.  It's fucking nasty - they're not even that good.  What a waste of fucking time.

Speaking of bad tasting candy, there's a bunch of fucking candy that taste like shit.  Take Smarties or Necco Wafers; both of these candies are like the retarded cousins of SweetTarts.  They taste like chalk and they're fucking worthless.  Some people like Smarties, but that's because they're made with highly addictive narcotics.  Also, what the fuck was up with candy cigarettes?  Not only did they taste nasty, they were candy fucking cigarettes.  Nowadays, they're just called candy sticks, but they still taste like shit.  However, the crown for the nastiest fucking candy belongs to these motherfuckers...

 Gah!  Get that shit away from me!

If you ever see these abominations wrapped in black and orange in your Halloween bucket, throw them away, immediately.  They will rape your mouth.  They will rape and kill your mouth!  They're called Peanut Butter Kisses, but they're more more like Peanut Butter Cumshots (THEY WILL RAPE YOUR MOUTH!!!).  It's supposed to be molasses taffy with a peanut butter center (which sounds disgusting).  In reality, it's all of the sin and corruption of humanity made into candy form.

There's lots of other horrible candies and random crap, such as circus peanuts, Halloween pencils, wax lips, stale popcorn balls, religious pamphlets, etc., but do you know what the worst thing to hear when you're out Trick-or-Treating is?  It's the sound of a handful of pennies jingling in the bottom of your bucket.  What kind of lazy-ass, piece of shit motherfucker do you have to be to just fumble around for the change in your underwear drawer when kids come around on Halloween?  Some may rationalize, "Hey, it's money."  No, it's a motherfucking joke!  If you want to hand out money, hand out a $20 bill.  Nothing made me angrier on Halloween.  Either buy some fucking candy (good candy, dammit) or turn off your fucking porch light, because you don't have shit to give.  Believe me, Barabas Judas Priest would not be forgiving to these assholes.  They'll wish he only burnt their house down with them inside.

Okay, I need to step away from this.  I'm getting way too pissed off here.  Of course, who wouldn't be when you're listing the things you hate most about Halloween?  Thankfully, I'm done with this fuckfest.  The week's over and I can just forget all about the bullshit and just enjoy the holiday.  To all my Steel Legionnaires, don't wear a shitty costume, don't give out shitty candy, don't decorate your house like a fucking Christmas tree, and have a metal Halloween!

...or, should I say, HELLOWEEN!

Blood, Fire, and Steel!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Sucktoberfest #2 - Lame-Ass Costumes

Halloween is more of a holiday for the kids.  If I came to someone's door asking for candy, they're gonna say, "Aren't you a bit old for Trick-or-Treating?"  Then, I proceed to crush their skulls in with a sledgehammer.  But don't worry, because there's plenty of fun for you adults.  Yes, you and your douchebag friends can be the life of your Halloween party dressed up as ginormous sluts who'll fuck anyone for drugs or your favorite dick jokes.

If I sound a bit cynical, it's because shitty costumes are the one thing I hate the most about Halloween (You may ask, "Then why this is at #2 on the list?"  I have my reasons.).  There is nothing that kills Halloween faster than some asshole dressing up in these offensive, tasteless, piece of shit costumes.  Not only do they say, "I'm a huge dick," it also tells others this party's about to end badly.

The biggest culprit of these fashion fuck-ups are the sexual innuendo joke costumes.  First are the ones that always bring attention to the guy's freakishly tiny penis, usually by having something stick out of his groin.  Personally, the person wearing one of these might as well just whip their dick out.  It gets the message across better and the host of the party can kick their ass much sooner.

Sorry, bromeister.  You look too much like Dennis Leary
for girls to have any interest in "blowing" you.

Then, there are the ones that have some nasty ass name to them.  They can range from subtly uncomfortable to embarrassingly apparent.  "Good evening, Dr. Feltersnatch.  So glad you could make it.  Your two brothers are already here.  I didn't realize you were all doctors."  The one I hate the most is called "Anita Waxin."  Basically, it's... you know, you just have to see it.

More like "Anita Severe Beating," after wearing this dickhead costume.

Then, there's those costumes that poke fun at the racial stereotypes of American minorities.  I swear, nothing says, "I'd rather be at a Klan meeting," than dressing up as an Indian (complete with broken English), a greasy, Italian paisano, or some blinging pimp daddy.

In the wrong neighborhood, this costume will get you stabbed, whitey.

Let's not forget the female costumes, especially the sexy ones.  Those costumes take every opportunity for the woman to show off plenty of tits and ass, making sure that every guy at the party she goes to will not be getting sex from their girlfriend tonight.

The problem with these sexy costumes is that... well, um... they're... you see, it's... Damn, there's nothing wrong with that costume.

The real problem is not the costume, but the girls who wear them.  There are two kinds of girls who would put this on: those you can't have and those you don't want.  The ones you can't have are beautiful, intelligent, interesting, sexual goddesses who are way out of your league.  These women are so rare, they're almost nonexistent.  If you do see one, they probably already have a boyfriend who has enough money to hire people to beat the shit out of you.

On the other hand, the ones you don't want are shallow, bitchy, and mentally bankrupt.  These cuntbags wear sexy clothes to taunt you with their bodies.  They want you to find them fuckable just so they can tell you to eat shit and die.  There's also those women who wear these to advertise their promiscuity, which is compensating for them being beaten sensless with an ugly stick.  They're not picky - they'll fuck anything with a penis, alive or dead.  Hell, they'll fuck the guy with his dick hanging out.  Avoid both of these girls at all costs.  Any escapades with these beasts starts with lots of alcohol and ends with years of regret.

As for the ones you can't have, just admire them from afar, but not so much that her boyfriend starts sending death threats.  If you do find one that is, by the grace of the gods, single, you will offer her to me in tribute to my awesomeness.

By Crom, I would not kick her out of my tent.

One final complaint: not every costume is some offensive, low-brow garbage or leftovers from last year's blockbuster movies.  Some costumes look kinda cool.  The problem is the shoddy craftsmanship.  I know these costumes were made in some sweatshop in China, so I don't expect expert seamwork, but paying an assload of money for something made from some two-bit fabric is bullshit.  I don't think I could even wipe my ass with a costume without it ripping.

While this may look okay, it'll be torn up in a week.

The only way to go, if you want a really fucking awesome costume, is have it custom made.  Find someone whose really good at sewing and making clothes and have them make you something.  Sure, they'll hate you for a couple of months for making them do something complicated, but you'll have an awesome costume that you can use for many years, maybe even wear it on other occasions.

Tomorrow is the finale.  One thing that has plagued Halloween for centuries.  No one - not you, your friends, your family - can escape it.  It is as pervasive and inevitable as the shadows that stir in the night.  Be afraid - be very afraid.