Friday, January 15, 2010

The Search for the Ultimate Barbarian Game (Part 5)

Here's a list of some of the other games I've tried during my search.


The name says it all, that is if the title of this game was "Poorly put together crapfest."  Then, at least, it would have a more original title.  This game was published by Titus, one of the most notoriously bad video game companies out there (fortunately, this was the last game they put out).

I want to like this game.  Every time I play it, I try to find something to enjoy.  There's just nothing there.  It's nothing but a sword & sorcery rip-off of Power Stone for the Dreamcast, which doesn't seem like a good idea to me.  The gameplay is painfully boring, the AI is frustratingly cheap, the controls are terrible, the camera hates you, the presentation is third rate, at best.  Have you ever seen those commercials about going to school to be a game designer, where it's a bunch of guys saying, "Wow, I can't believe we're getting paid to play video games!"  This game wouldn't even get them a passing grade in a college like that.

The only good thing I can find in this game is the intro cinematic, which seems to be advertising a completely different game.  The intro has awesome action, decent graphics (I guess the rest of the game does, too) and great music.  If only the game was more in line with the intro it would probably be much better.

This video showcases the awesome intro as well as gameplay videos which kills it a bit.

Oddly enough, this game was picked up by Taito and brought over to Japan.  When they realized how disappointingly terrible it was, they decided to rename the male barbarian with unsightly skull-crotch as Rastan, to boost sales.  All I can say is that Japan now has a new least favorite Rastan game.

Viking: Battle for Asgard

A viking video game is close enough to a barbarian video game.  There were Aesir and Vanir in Robert E. Howard's Conan and that's good enough for me.

At first, I didn't like this game.  The hero, Skarin, is slow, lumbering, and dumb.  Running feels more like trudging and he takes too long to swing his weapons that there's a better chance of getting your ass handed to you if you're facing more than one enemy at a time.  Stealth in this game is a joke, though there are missions where stealth is your only friend.  When I rented this, I was about to take it back early and see if they had any copies of Dragon Age: Origins.  But I tried it again and found it slowly growing on me.  Once you have amassed an army of vikings to fight against Hel's legions, you can lay siege to their forces in massive battles which are actually kind of fun.  Unlike soldiers from other games, your soldiers are surprisingly competent fighters, which not only means that the job of killing every enemy in sight is not solely on your shoulders, but also that you'll want to beat your fellow soldiers in getting as big of a body count as possible.

Of course, once you've taken over an entire area, you have to start all over with a new area, which means more awkward solo missions.  By that time, though, I felt I had received my $7.50 worth of enjoyment out of this game.  The verdict: it's okay.  On top of that, Freya's actually pretty hot in this game, which is how it's supposed to be.

Forget Aphrodite.  For my money, Freya's the hottest piece of divine ass around.

Sword of Sodan

For some reason, in the late '80s, Electronic Arts were interested in bringing ports of games from systems, such as the Amiga, onto the Sega Genesis.  Sword of Sodan is one of them and it sucks.  I'm not talking about the Amiga version.  I'm talking about the Sega Genesis version, which is significantly different from Amiga's.  In the Amiga version, enemies only come from the front.  Electronic Arts decided to be assholes and make you fight enemies in front and behind you.  It wouldn't be so bad if turning around weren't so goddamn frustrating.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  In Sword of Sodan, you play a barbarian, either male or female, for those of you who have some weird fantasy about being a towering, kick-ass edifice of hardcore lesbo action, rescuing damsels and then tearing off their clothes, subjecting them to the nipple clamps for...  Okay, I've said too much.  Now you all must die.

You fight through levels trying to get to the stronghold of the evil necromancer, Zoras, who has killed your father and assumed rule over the kingdom.  The hero does more shuffling than walking through the levels, which looks and plays stupid.  Combat in the Genesis version is a fucking joke.  Some enemies can only be hit with certain attacks.  Of course, these attacks require you get so close to the enemy that you press your womanly body against theirs as they beat on you like the filthy whore that you are.  Ooh, such a filthy whore...  Okay, seriously, I need to step back for a bit.

The gameplay is bad, the sound is terrible (there are giant insects that sound like monkeys!), the traps are a pain in the ass to get past, my voluptuous breasts are ready for my female sex slaves to...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!  What the fuck is wrong with me?!  Okay, if you like the Amiga version, keep playing the Amiga version.  If you like the Genesis version, well, you've lived a very sheltered life and need to play some better games.  I'm done with this one!

Why does my mouth taste like Brigitte Nielsen?

Blades of Vengeance

After screwing up Sword of Sodan, Electronic Arts decided to try again.  Fortunately, Blades of Vengeance is a bit of a step up.  This game is an action platformer (with an annoying emphasis on platforming) where you can pick from three characters.  Of course, the male barbarian and sexy amazon are in the mix, but they added a sorcerer this time around.  Your character has been summoned by... Underwater Moses, or whatever, to defeat The Dark Lady.

Gameplay is kind of tough, as there's lots of platforming to be had (I hate games like this).  Plus, once you run out of lives, there are no continues (Underwater Moses does not smile upon failure).  It's game over.

While I don't like this kind of game, it's still an improvement from Sword of Sodan.  It has better graphics and sound.  The levels are pretty sizable, with plenty of secret areas.  That's about it, though.  If you like this kind of game, well, good for you, but I'm giving this one a pass.

Well, that takes care of the rest.  Now it's time for the best (maybe).  Conan's coming up next.

Now I'm off to find one of my wife's bras and pretend I'm Red Sonja.

Yeah, no.  That's not happening.


  1. Are you a lesbian now? I could probably be down with that...

  2. Really. Would you be opposed to an all girl threesome if I did turn lesbian? You know, two large breasted women who are deeply in love, enjoying the company of a third, large breasted woman for a night of breast play and ass paddling...

    Gah! No! Tempt me no more, woman!

    I have a penis! Deal with it!

  3. Freya's hot if you're into Cougars.