Sunday, November 8, 2009

The Kaiser Manifesto

I find it hard to believe, but this marks my 100th post on the Ablogcalypse.  I started this blog early this year and I've already gotten this far.  I'm pretty amazed at myself.

But, my Steel Legionnaires and those who bear witness to my might, I have only begun.  This is only the tip of the iceberg.  The Ablogcalypse cannot be stopped!  There are many more things on the horizon and I have lofty goals for this place.  It's time we take this to the next level.

The preparations for phase two are already in motion.  I am armed with new content and am about to unleash some new regular segments on an unsuspecting world.

But there's something else I want.  I might have hinted at this earlier in my musings, but my primary goal is not to create the most motherfucking awesome site in the blogosphere.  That's just gravy.  My purpose in this dimension is to dominate this Earth, just as I have done in parallel universes.  As usual, the going is slow at first.  I must pool my resources and build the foundation of my inevitable rule from scratch.  Once the groundwork is laid out, though, things start to pick up.

First, all the dickheads, douchebags, and asshats will be driven to extinction.  Then I'll turn the world economy on its head, making things like old VHS copies of movies starring Tom Selleck and those rubber frisbee-looking things that you use to open jars the most valuable commodities on the planet.  Of course, I'll have bought out every dollar store in the world by that time, so that I have the market cornered on these resources.  Civilization will start to crumble from the center.  Governments will be helpless to do anything in the midst of the chaos.  People will look for new leadership and they will find it - in me.  As I ascend and bring my brand of order to the world, many things will change.  The Earth will not be what most people are used to.  As Mako used to say, "Let me tell you of the days of high adventure."

At first, there will be those who oppose my rightful place as warlord of Earth.  That is where my loyal Steel Legionnaires come in.  Though they are small in number now, they are unparalleled in might and will.  One day, they shall number in many thousands and will rise to quell all who would usurp my rule in fire, blood, and steel.  They will not annihilate them entirely, because, from time to time, we will need them to retailiate so we can crush them again.  I wouldn't want the Legion of Steel to get bored too quickly.

The dress code will change significantly as well.  Men and women who are in the peak of physical condition will only be allowed to wear battle armor or a loincloth and nothing else.  For those who have body image issues, I will give them the option of wearing tunics and trousers or skirts.  I don't want people feeling insecure about how they look.  I am a progressive thinking warlord, after all.  I will also allow women who opt for armor to wear less bulky armor that covers the bare minimum of their body and is easier to remove, should they ever be in an emergency situation where they must get naked.

Guns will be outlawed!  Guns are for pussies.  If you want to kill someone, you do it the old fashioned way.  Anyone wielding a gun in my presence will spontaneously combust from my pure contempt for them.

I also will incorporate a very strict environmental program.  Not only will we help bring endangered species of plants and animals back, we will genetically alter them so that they kick so much ass that no human will want to fuck with them.  Loggerhead Sea Turtles will be engineered to be 1000 times their normal size, have indestructible armor, and the ability to fly, just like Gamera.  Condors will have razor talons that can tear a human in half a second.  Sea Otters will have psychokinetic powers that can tear up a great white shark from the inside.  My own personal elite guard will be partially made of Grizzly Bears with steel jaws, Timber Wolves with ice breath, and Siberian Tigers with dragon wings.  And don't forget the Pandas.  They will be equipped with the greatest martial art techniques and have a taste for human flesh.  You wanna mess with Ling-Ling now, motherfuckers?

There are also concers about the ozone layer.  I say we destroy it.  Why?  So that the polar ice caps melt and we can thaw out all the Mastodons.  That's right, I'm bringing the Mastodons back and, yes, I'm giving them laser tusks.

The world I create in my image will be a dream come true.  You too can be a part of that dream.  Go to the sidebar on the right and join the Steel Legionnaires.  Fight for the side of awesome.  You'll get all the coolest armor and weapons and dibs on all the hottest ladies.  Don't let the world steal your dreams.  Let your dreams steal the world!

Oh, and don't forget to send me gifts of tribute, you know, things that are awesome, for my 100th post celebration.  You can leave your gifts in the comments or email them to me at

One more thing: When I celebrate my 100th post and reveal my plans for world domination, I listen to Manowar!


  1. Mighty Leader,

    Regarding the manifesto, I humbly request some clarifications/modifications:

    1. With respect to the dress code - when you say skirts, would that include kilts too?

    2. You mentioned gravy. What’s the deal with the gravy, cause man oh man do I love gravy! Can you turn rain into gravy, so it’s more readily available out on the battlefield?

    3. Can you clarify the statement “should they ever be in an emergency situation where they must get naked”? I just wanna make sure that I’m nearby if such a situation presents itself.

    4. I propose that we go ahead and destroy the moon too. I’m getting tired of that crater faced earth wanna-be blocking my view of the sun, and besides, what the hell is it good for anyway?

    Your loyal Legionnaire,

    P.S. Manowar! We will be needing a new national (um world?) for thought.

  2. Good questions, Cromsblood:

    1. Kilts are normally considered "fancy dress," but, if you want to get gussied up, don't let me stop you.

    2. Do you want brown gravy or country gravy?

    As far as number 3 concerned, you can probably just trick a girl into taking off her armor. Just point at the lady of choice and shout, "Holy shit, there's a dire spider on the back of your armor that's about to bite of your head!" They'll be naked in no time.

    4. Destroy the Moon? Are you out of your fucking mind?! I need the Moon. I use the Moon to commune with the Mysteries of Night. The Moon is very important in my plans. If anything, I'm going to open a ginormous dimensional rift to the Elemental Plane of Fire to swallow the Sun. That way, we can still keep warm and we'll have plenty of fire elementals coming down from the sky to fight us.

    Oh, and Manowar will be played at every battle, wedding, in every elevator, and every time someone fires up Mutant League Hockey for the Sega Genesis.

  3. I love how you thought of me and my needs- buying all of the dollar stores in the world will absolutely keep me happy for at least two millenia.


  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. What I meant to say is "I do what I can to make my lovely Immortal Queen of Time and Space happy." I hate that I can't edit my comments after I posted them.

  6. What I meant to say is "I do what I can to make my lovely Immortal Queen of Time and Space happy." I hate that I can't edit my comments after I posted them.

    Surely this will be the first thing to change in the new world.