Sunday, November 1, 2009

Kaiser Crowbar's Crypt of Doom: The Aftermath

Well, that's another Halloween behind us.  I hope you guys enjoyed yours.  I had a costume party over at my house and it was the soiree to end all soirees.  If you didn't get an invite, fear not.  I got pictures of the event.  Before I show you them, I want you guys to see some interesting Halloween decor.

I found this bust at Michaels while my surrogate sister, Jen, was looking for something for her costume.  I just love the appalled expression on his face.  When I first saw this, I imagined him saying in my best Bela Lugosi, "Oh my God, Becky.  Look at her butt.  It is so big."  (Google Sir Mix-a-lot if you don't know what I'm talking about.)

Next up, we come to the most prized artifact in my collection of all things metal.  I discovered this in the ruins of Lemuria and brought it back with me.  It has graces my computer room for years and remains an important piece.  My Steel Legionnaires, behold:

One of the few remnants from the half-robot/half-flesh life forms from that ruined island.  The forces of nature are at the command at he who wields it.  It is a relic so powerful, only the likes of me may hold it, for a lesser being than me would do something stupid, like put it in a museum, or use it as a hood ornament for their Pinto.  Metal Skull was made for greater things; things that only I shall accomplish.

If you look closely, you can still see a glimmer of life left in the hollow remains of this artifact.  This light is the only thing left of long lost Lemuria.

Anyway, onto the party.

We had a lot of food-like stuff for the party.  Jen made this awesome vampire coffin cake that looked too good to eat.  In fact, all of us were kind of waiting for someone else to take the first piece, so we didn't look like an asshole for ruining it.

Now, while this was supposed to be a costume party, I couldn't find any costume that suited me.  No amount of dressing up as something else would be as awesome as just being myself.  So, I just hosted the thing as I am.

This is my usual casual wear.  Yes, I carry a sword and axe with me when I'm bumming around.  Trust me, when hordes of demonic forces start attacking you while you're playing House of the Dead: Overkill or when you're "flogging the dolphin," you'll wish you had weapons, too.

Obviously, my battle cry was so loud, that it caused tremors.  The ladies in the background were desperately trying to cover their ears, but to no avail.  They were completely deaf, afterward.  I did heal their ears, though.  I figured that they can't listen to the demo tape of my band, Drakhenhelm, if they couldn't hear.  Man, the Abdominal Snowman would have been so upset by that.

Then there's the rest of the home clan.  First off, here's Surrogate-Sister Jen.  She's also my second in command because she's ruthless and insane.  She dressed up as Belle from Beauty and the Beast.  The little trick-or-treaters loved her.

Before any of you guys get any ideas that you may have a chance with her, I'm not going to bother mentioning that she's married to my cousin-in-law, I'm not even going to mention that if you break her heart, I may not kill you, but I'll make you want to commit suicide.  No, I'll tell you about the one time she cold cocked a guy, really, really hard in the parking lot of her work for calling her a bitch.

 The red in her eyes is not from the flash photography.  That is the fires of hatred.  It will burn the world, one day.

 This dashing star captain is James Patrick, my cousin-in-law, Jen's hubby, and my go to guy for advertising my blog.  We just call him Patrick for short.  He hates it.  You may find this hard to believe, but he's actually dressed as Captain Kirk.  I know it's kinda hard to tell with his yellow starfleet shirt, his phaser gun, and the cocky smirk on his face, but it's true.

The woman on the right is my wife, the Immortal Queen of All Time and Space.  Yes, she's greek and very awesome.  The woman beside her is a friend of ours, Gizmo.  She dressed up as a witchy homemaker, complete with martini glass with an eyeball floating in her "Witches' Brew."

Then there's Giz's fiancee, Kurt.  He actually made his Team Fortress 2 Scout costume for Anime Iowa this year, but he loved it so much, he decided to wear it again.  He's actually wielding one of our Guitar Hero guitars, since he left his bat at home.

By the way, we found Mario roaming around the streets, looking for mushrooms.  We decided to let him in and enjoy the festivities...

...but not without shaving off his moustache, first.  He didn't like that at all.  He kept complaining about how long it would take for him to grow a new one back.  That guy has no sense of humor.  Actually that's, James, or Jim, or Harold.  Jimbo?  I just call him James.  He had a fake moustache, but it kept falling off too quickly for us to take a picture with it on.

The woman on the left of this picture is Jame's wife, Samantha.  She's dressed as a... Strawberry Farmer?  Does New Super Mario Brothers for the Wii have a new princess?  I know there's Princess Peach.  Princess Strawberry?  I don't know.

Things started off a bit sketchy.  All the girls wanted to break out the Ouija board.  I told them not to go messing with that shit.  But no, they did their own thing.  Guess what happened?

That's right, they called forth a malignant being from the farthest reaches of deep space.  He was being a total asshat.  He put just about everyone into a mind numbing frenzy with his dark magic.

Then he did the unthinkable.  He took Metal Skull from its sacred housing and plotted to destroy the Earth with it.  I, of course, wasn't going to let that squid faced motherfucker get away with that.

So, we fought.  It was an epic battle, too.  The thing used the skull to call forth lightning and cosmic death rays, but it was no match for my might and my steel.

I smote the beast with all my fury.  The thing went down in a splutter of choked screams and black blood.  His corrupt soul was sent back to the foulest of hells and I stood triumphant.  Everyone else came to, not knowing what happened.  That's probably a good thing, though.  I almost broke the TV.

I reclaimed Metal Skull from its clammy, dead hands and the thing departed in a column of bile and smoke.  The Earth was safe again, because if anyone's going to dominate it, it damn well better be me.

After that clash, we decided to break out the games.  I got some people together for a round of Zombies!!! (everyone should play that game on Halloween).

While some of the other guys started up Rock Band.  It was pretty funny listening to some of them butcher songs.  They kept distracting us.

We had so many people that I decided to have some hired help. Dangerous Dan (one of many Steel Legionnaires who were in attendance) decided that he needed the extra money to get that new flamethrower arm installed, so he said that he and his girlfriend, Courtney, would help entertain guests.  Dan is the one playing the drums, with Courtney and Julie, Dan's sister, watching as Mario shows us why he should never replace the lead singer for Paramore.

On the other end of the living room, we have Patrick laying down some sinister licks with...
Okay, what the fuck is going on?  How did this son of a bitch get back here?  Why's he suddenly being so chummy with everybody?  And what the fuck happened to his hands?

Look at this.  First, he tries to destroy humanity for his dark masters, now he's schmoozing with people.  Did they feel he was being left out because I killed him?  What?

Actually, that's our friend, Blake, who made his own Ilithid mask for this costume.  Jen wondered where he got the small bones for decorating his belt.  She finally decided that he just went to a day care for them.  (They're actually chicken bones, so no children were harmed).

That pretty much wraps up the party last night.  With that, I must seal the doors of the Crypt until next year.  I hope you guys enjoyed my trip through all the things I enjoy about Halloween.  It's a good thing I have a whole year before I do it again, because I posted about so much content that I'll need to come up with a bunch of new stuff for next Halloween.

For now, though, I'm going to partake in one last Halloween tradition: Eating shitloads of candy!

Kaiser out

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