Friday, November 27, 2009

The Blood Red Friday Massacre

I am extremely disappointed.

Not once did I get a chance to beat the shit out of someone.  I was just waiting for some crazy lady or a middle class asshole to set me off so I could paint the aisles red.  Didn't happen.  I'm kinda bummed about it.  I was looking forward to having people running from the store, screaming for their lives while I was piledriving grandma.  Then I would laugh as fifty cops struggled to hold me down.  Of course, I would launch them into the walls and smash through the store windows to escape.  Then, as I made my getaway on foot, I would uproot a tree and launch it at the police chopper that was following me.  If this were a Grand Theft Auto game, I'd have a six-star rampage going.

No such luck, though.  Oh well.  To be honest I'm not sure if I'm more disappointed that I expect people to be greedy, slavering, commercialized beasts that tear into each other with abandon or that they didn't even live up to those expectations.  Let's not beat around the bush - Humans are scum.  But when you drop the ball and don't even have the gumption to be the most abhorrent beings in existence anymore, that's just pure laziness.

That's where reality television comes in.  You want to see despicable people who should be sealed in a airtight vault and sent to the bottom of the ocean?  You watch reality TV.  You see, when I was working in retail (this was years ago, by the way), I came up with a great concept for this game show.  It would be this huge event, held every year on Black Friday, where people are selected to win cash and fabulous prizes.  The problem: each prize has been promised to two different people and there's no sharing.  Throw the two into an arena fully stocked with brutal weapons (No guns - we want the action to last.) and you have a recipe for carnage so sickening you'll be tasting last night's turkey a second time.  It would be done in a tournament bracket.  Each winner would advance to greater prizes that they have to kill each other for until we come to the champion who wins all the prizes from all the battles (as they're the only one left to receive them).

Then again, why let any of these assholes have anything?  The champion should face against an undefeatable opponent in order to keep their winnings.  Of course, they'll be completely anhihilated by this opponent and no one will win.  I nominate Abdominus and myself as the final opponents.  After we disembowel the champion, we take our rage out on the people in the audience for cheering at such a wanton display of human obliteration.  Bunch of sick fucks, I tell you.

Anyway, that's just an idea I've got floating around in my head.  If you'll excuse me, I've got an overwhelming urge to play Smash TV.

Kaiser out

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