Sucktoberfest #1 - Shitty Halloween Candy

Since time immemorial, kids have always gone to that one house that gave out crappy candy.  In the Roman Empire, when children dressed as Gladiators or their favorite Caesar for Halloween, no treat was as reviled as salted bark, which is exactly what it sounds like.  In ancient Ireland, if you gave out dried goat testes on Samhain, the kids would beat you on the head, throw you in a wicker man, and burn your motherfucking ass.  Chinese kids from the Han Dynasty were known to give adults the five-finger death punch if they put ox dung covered in birdseed in their emptied rice bags.

Okay, so I made that shit up, but I know that everyone who has ever gone Trick-or-Treating has come across some nasty ass candy in their bucket.  While it doesn't really ruin the Halloween festivities, it does make the next couple of days a dangerous trek through Candy Land.

Some of the hazards of sifting through your stash are easily avoidable.  If you've ever had a dentist in your neighborhood, you got either a toothbrush or (if they're really sadistic, which they usually are) dental floss.  Obviously, this is not candy, but your dentist does not give a shit.

Another one that's easily avoided are fruits.  This includes apples, oranges, and, yes, raisins.  Thanks to the horror stories of deranged neighbors putting razors, needles, and poison into fruit, which never happened, parents would always throw the apples and oranges out.  As far as those raisins are concerned, no kid in their right mind would eat them.  Even if you like raisins, the mushy, sticky, Halloween variety should be avoided like the plague.

The treats you really have to watch out for are those candies that, one way or another, fuck up your mouth like piranhas on a bloody stump.  First are the ones that will shatter your jawbone, like that fucking hard bubble gum (Bazooka gum is hard, but Dubble Bubble could cut diamond).  I fucking hate gum, especially bubble gum, especially bubble gum that breaks your goddamn teeth.  I remember those Bazooka Joe comics that came with every wrapper of Bazooka.  I just read the comics and threw the gum away.  That shit was terrible.

I don't know how you lost an eye, Joe, but I do know how I lost

 my fucking teeth, you goddamn cyclops!

Then there's jawbreakers, which, in a reasonable size, aren't that bad.  But when you get one of those honking big jawbreakers, it's a fucking nightmare.  Either you end up dislodging your jaw or you're left with a slobbery ball of sugar that just collects dirt.  It's fucking nasty - they're not even that good.  What a waste of fucking time.

Speaking of bad tasting candy, there's a bunch of fucking candy that taste like shit.  Take Smarties or Necco Wafers; both of these candies are like the retarded cousins of SweetTarts.  They taste like chalk and they're fucking worthless.  Some people like Smarties, but that's because they're made with highly addictive narcotics.  Also, what the fuck was up with candy cigarettes?  Not only did they taste nasty, they were candy fucking cigarettes.  Nowadays, they're just called candy sticks, but they still taste like shit.  However, the crown for the nastiest fucking candy belongs to these motherfuckers...

 Gah!  Get that shit away from me!

If you ever see these abominations wrapped in black and orange in your Halloween bucket, throw them away, immediately.  They will rape your mouth.  They will rape and kill your mouth!  They're called Peanut Butter Kisses, but they're more more like Peanut Butter Cumshots (THEY WILL RAPE YOUR MOUTH!!!).  It's supposed to be molasses taffy with a peanut butter center (which sounds disgusting).  In reality, it's all of the sin and corruption of humanity made into candy form.

There's lots of other horrible candies and random crap, such as circus peanuts, Halloween pencils, wax lips, stale popcorn balls, religious pamphlets, etc., but do you know what the worst thing to hear when you're out Trick-or-Treating is?  It's the sound of a handful of pennies jingling in the bottom of your bucket.  What kind of lazy-ass, piece of shit motherfucker do you have to be to just fumble around for the change in your underwear drawer when kids come around on Halloween?  Some may rationalize, "Hey, it's money."  No, it's a motherfucking joke!  If you want to hand out money, hand out a $20 bill.  Nothing made me angrier on Halloween.  Either buy some fucking candy (good candy, dammit) or turn off your fucking porch light, because you don't have shit to give.  Believe me, Barabas Judas Priest would not be forgiving to these assholes.  They'll wish he only burnt their house down with them inside.

Okay, I need to step away from this.  I'm getting way too pissed off here.  Of course, who wouldn't be when you're listing the things you hate most about Halloween?  Thankfully, I'm done with this fuckfest.  The week's over and I can just forget all about the bullshit and just enjoy the holiday.  To all my Steel Legionnaires, don't wear a shitty costume, don't give out shitty candy, don't decorate your house like a fucking Christmas tree, and have a metal Halloween!

...or, should I say, HELLOWEEN!

Blood, Fire, and Steel!

Sucktoberfest #2 - Lame-Ass Costumes

Halloween is more of a holiday for the kids.  If I came to someone's door asking for candy, they're gonna say, "Aren't you a bit old for Trick-or-Treating?"  Then, I proceed to crush their skulls in with a sledgehammer.  But don't worry, because there's plenty of fun for you adults.  Yes, you and your douchebag friends can be the life of your Halloween party dressed up as ginormous sluts who'll fuck anyone for drugs or your favorite dick jokes.

If I sound a bit cynical, it's because shitty costumes are the one thing I hate the most about Halloween (You may ask, "Then why this is at #2 on the list?"  I have my reasons.).  There is nothing that kills Halloween faster than some asshole dressing up in these offensive, tasteless, piece of shit costumes.  Not only do they say, "I'm a huge dick," it also tells others this party's about to end badly.

The biggest culprit of these fashion fuck-ups are the sexual innuendo joke costumes.  First are the ones that always bring attention to the guy's freakishly tiny penis, usually by having something stick out of his groin.  Personally, the person wearing one of these might as well just whip their dick out.  It gets the message across better and the host of the party can kick their ass much sooner.

Sorry, bromeister.  You look too much like Dennis Leary

for girls to have any interest in "blowing" you.

Then, there are the ones that have some nasty ass name to them.  They can range from subtly uncomfortable to embarrassingly apparent.  "Good evening, Dr. Feltersnatch.  So glad you could make it.  Your two brothers are already here.  I didn't realize you were all doctors."  The one I hate the most is called "Anita Waxin."  Basically, it's... you know, you just have to see it.

More like "Anita Severe Beating," after wearing this dickhead costume.

Then, there's those costumes that poke fun at the racial stereotypes of American minorities.  I swear, nothing says, "I'd rather be at a Klan meeting," than dressing up as an Indian (complete with broken English), a greasy, Italian paisano, or some blinging pimp daddy.

In the wrong neighborhood, this costume will get you stabbed, whitey.

Let's not forget the female costumes, especially the sexy ones.  Those costumes take every opportunity for the woman to show off plenty of tits and ass, making sure that every guy at the party she goes to will not be getting sex from their girlfriend tonight.

The problem with these sexy costumes is that... well, um... they're... you see, it's... Damn, there's nothing wrong with that costume.

The real problem is not the costume, but the girls who wear them.  There are two kinds of girls who would put this on: those you can't have and those you don't want.  The ones you can't have are beautiful, intelligent, interesting, sexual goddesses who are way out of your league.  These women are so rare, they're almost nonexistent.  If you do see one, they probably already have a boyfriend who has enough money to hire people to beat the shit out of you.

On the other hand, the ones you don't want are shallow, bitchy, and mentally bankrupt.  These cuntbags wear sexy clothes to taunt you with their bodies.  They want you to find them fuckable just so they can tell you to eat shit and die.  There's also those women who wear these to advertise their promiscuity, which is compensating for them being beaten sensless with an ugly stick.  They're not picky - they'll fuck anything with a penis, alive or dead.  Hell, they'll fuck the guy with his dick hanging out.  Avoid both of these girls at all costs.  Any escapades with these beasts starts with lots of alcohol and ends with years of regret.

As for the ones you can't have, just admire them from afar, but not so much that her boyfriend starts sending death threats.  If you do find one that is, by the grace of the gods, single, you will offer her to me in tribute to my awesomeness.

By Crom, I would not kick her out of my tent.

One final complaint: not every costume is some offensive, low-brow garbage or leftovers from last year's blockbuster movies.  Some costumes look kinda cool.  The problem is the shoddy craftsmanship.  I know these costumes were made in some sweatshop in China, so I don't expect expert seamwork, but paying an assload of money for something made from some two-bit fabric is bullshit.  I don't think I could even wipe my ass with a costume without it ripping.

While this may look okay, it'll be torn up in a week.

The only way to go, if you want a really fucking awesome costume, is have it custom made.  Find someone whose really good at sewing and making clothes and have them make you something.  Sure, they'll hate you for a couple of months for making them do something complicated, but you'll have an awesome costume that you can use for many years, maybe even wear it on other occasions.

Tomorrow is the finale.  One thing that has plagued Halloween for centuries.  No one - not you, your friends, your family - can escape it.  It is as pervasive and inevitable as the shadows that stir in the night.  Be afraid - be very afraid.

Sucktoberfest #3 - Haunted Houses

I have heard that the city I live in has some of the best haunted houses in the country.  If that's the case, then the rest of the U.S. must have have to make do with such horrible attractions as "The Haunted Grocer" or "Tapeworm Manor," because the ones here are not that scary.

However, I don't blame them for trying.  I've seen some of these haunted houses in detail - I've been to some, myself.  The best ones here do put a lot of work into their scenery and they do look pretty cool.  The problem is constant repetition of a basic formula: jump out from your hiding place, make a lot of noise, then go back into hiding.  Sure, the customers don't know when it's coming, but they know it's coming.  I have seen some inventive adaptations of the formula, such as pretending to be one of those retarded, shaking animatronic dummies (see Sucktoberfest #5), then jumping at people when they walk past, but the scare tactics has really become "lather, rinse, repeat."  Personally, I'm bored with it.

If I were to do a haunted house, my customers would know the feeling of being in mortal danger.  That's because they, most likely, would be.  I'd make the kind of attraction you'd have to sign waivers for to get in.  Paramedics would have a busy month, carting all the injured, maimed, and psychologically scarred people to the hospital.  If, every year, someone - anyone: customer, employee, random homeless guy who was drugged, tied down, and used for the human sacrifice "scene" - doesn't die in my haunted house, then I don't feel like I've done my job.

 

No, that's not really Abdominus.  He's way more ripped than this twerp.

Unfortunately, my ideal haunted attraction wouldn't be considered "humane" or "legal" (Pfft, whatever).  So, instead, I'll just throw out some ideas on how to make a haunted attraction better.

• Divide and Conquer - Just about everyone goes to a haunted house with a group of friends, family, or people holding them hostage.  Why not get some of them into the act?  How messed up would it be if your friend just escaped some blood curdling beast when he realizes his girlfriend is missing?  Perhaps the monsters took her.  Maybe, later on, he comes upon a scene where the monsters are tormenting and killing her, right in front of his eyes!  Systematically removing people, one-by-one, from a group is an old trope in horror films that could work well in haunted attractions.  When groups come up to get their tickets, ask if any of them want to be "marked for death," or something like that.  That way, it's completely voluntary.  Give any willing "victims" some kind of identifying mark, such as orange glow bracelets, to let the actors know they're okay to pull aside (I would love to see some stupid-ass ravers go to a haunted house like this.  The expression on their face as they're unwittingly abducted would be priceless).  Of course, something like this would probably require good logistics, perfect communication, and waivers to work, but if the actors and staff can pull it off,  I guarantee people will eat this shit up.

• Focus, Dammit! - A lot of haunted houses are guilty of having way too many different things.  Seriously, if your haunted barnyard has a radioactive wasteland, a sinister laboratory, a pirate ship (?), Egyptian ruins (?!), and a butcher shop full of cannibals, no one's going to buy it.  The best haunted houses keep the illusion of terror and death as intact as possible.  Pick one concept - a vampire's castle, a zombie-filled wasteland, the temple of some deranged, Lovecraftian cult - and stick with it.  A lot of haunted houses present themselves as a bunch of random scenes, haphazardly strung together.  There's no reason why an autopsy on a restrained zombie should follow the group of teenagers being slaughtered by a psychopath.  Some places, which have been called "haunted theme parks," do have a variety of different haunted attractions, each keeping to a certain theme, all at one place.  While this is an improvement over the collage of unrelated crap and lets the customers feel they're getting a good deal, it still breaks the illusion because you go escape the terror of a sinister necromancer and his horde of zombies in one attraction to enter a madman's dungeon of torture in another, which just happens to be right next door (I'm just imagining the community meetings in that neighborhood).  It's still a mishmash, just on a larger scale.

• Don't Just Jump Out and Say, "Boo!" - Probably the biggest thing that kills the excitement of a haunted house is when some guy in a cheap costume jumps out from hiding, yells or bangs on something, and then goes back into hiding.  It's like these monsters are too jaded to take their purpose seriously.  "Okay, I've startled fifteen people tonight.  Can I go?  I'm gonna miss Mad Men."  What kind of monster just menaces you for two seconds, then goes away?  I don't expect everyone who works there to be an accomplished actor, but let's have some fucking creativity, here.  First off, some guy with a skull mask getting into your face isn't scary - it's annoying.  Once they get close enough to the customer, they can't kill them, hurt them, or even touch them.  What are they going to do, talk them to death?  Believe it or not, that's what some of them do.  They talk about how they're going to kill you or repeatedly chant something like, "You're gonna die!"  It takes every ounce of self control not to say to them, "I could tie your nuts around your neck, motherfucker!"  Classic zombies are a perfect way of avoiding that problem.  You can just have a large number of people walking slowly toward the customers.  While they'd never reach them, the scare would be much more effective.  Second, this may sound strange, but have some eloquence to your performance.  Even if all you're doing is making grunting noises, at least make it sound better than just, "Uuuunnnhhh!"  If you do speak, do it with good rapport and some wit.  An old friend of mine, who is a huge Halloween buff, occasionally worked at some of these haunted houses, but he always did his acts with some creativity.  He told me about this one scene he did with his wife where he was this really fucked up morgue technician and she was a cadaver.  He was feeling her up and talking to her as if seducing her.  He even kissed her, on occasion.  My friend took necrophilia to a whole new level and people bought it.  Not only was that the complete opposite of a cheap scare, it was fucking sick, which is perfect.

• Retire All That Old Shit - If there's one thing that shouldn't be in a haunted house, it's predictability.  Yet so many of them are so pathetic because it's the same old shit every year.   If you want to be innovative, you gotta get rid of all the outdated crap.  Chainsaws are number one on the list.  I'm so fucking sick and tired of every haunted attraction having some asshat with a chainsaw chasing people.  It's been done a thousand times before.  Unconvincing looking props are up there, too.  It's hard to suspend disbelief when there's a bunch of latex body parts lying around with some red corn syrup for blood.  And like I said before, those animatronic dummies are never scary - never.  Why bother spending money for that when you can just have some actor do a much more realistic job?  Kick all that shit to the curb.  They don't work anymore.

 I understand that some people love haunted attractions as they are.  No, it's not impossible to have fun at these places - hundreds of thousands of people, every year, go to them and enjoy themselves.  Perhaps it is true that the best haunted houses are in my area, but that's no excuse not to be ambitious in making something that will scare the living fuck out of your customers.  Some people are content with giving their customers a good time.  I'll only be satisfied when you wake up, every night, in a cold sweat, screaming my name.