When all else fails, sheer tenacity will be the difference between victory and defeat. After listening to some fellow hunters and some lengthy contemplation, I could see no other way to defeat the Barroth than to upgrade my switch axe. My colleagues made other suggestions: using a hammer, outfitting myself with a bowgun, etc. None of them were right for me. It was the switch axe or nothing. So, I set out to obtain the materials needed, which proved easier than I first thought, once I knew where to find them. I traveled to the humid wetlands of the Flooded Forest, fending off giant insects and hordes of savage Ludroth, to reap the bounty of ores from the depths of its marshes. Once I had enough, the blacksmith in Moga Village worked his alchemical wizardry to give my switch axe the edge it needed. One question remained: would it be enough to send the Barroth to its death?
I returned to the dry, brutal heat of the Sandy Plains, where the Barroth took refuge in its mudhole. I soon drew the beast from its sanctuary into a struggle of life and death. Fortunately, my switch axe was sharp enough to pierce through his hardened armor. I had to be careful, though. His head, which is the most hardened part of his body, dulled my blade too quickly. I had to focus on his lower body, slashing away at its legs, cutting deeply into its flank and its underbelly. Little by little, I whittled away at its defenses. I finally found myself on equal footing with the beast.
For those who have never faced one, the Barroth has an impressive array of offensive and defensive capabilities. At long range, the beast is prone to charging with the speed and force of a train at full steam (hurts like a bitch, too). The Barroth doesn't charge blindly, either. If you don't get well out of the way of its path, it will turn toward you to keep you in its sights. Fortunately, the Barroth can't turn too sharply while charging, so just run away from the line of its projected path as fast as you can.
Even at close range, the Barroth can be dangerous. Though not as deadly as its charge, it likes to use its head like a hammer and its tail like a flail to keep hunters from getting too close. Should someone prove too much for it, the Barroth has one last line of defense: it cakes itself in mud, which not only protects the Barroth from some of the damage it takes, but also can be used to hamper an unwary hunter when it shakes off some of the earthen layers. Only by continuously hacking into it does the mud seem to wear off.
Eventually, the Barroth was severely wounded by my onslaught. At that point, the hunt became much more deadly. When it wasn't constantly trying to evade me, either by burrowing in the mud or by facing toward me to keep me from its flank, it was stepping up its aggressiveness. I may have broken a few ribs while fighting it. I will give the Barroth credit, it refused to stay down. Like I said before, this was a battle of tenacity to see who could last longer.
Both of us had taken a lot of punishment in this struggle, but it was my trusty switch axe that helped me deliver the finishing blow to the beast. It fell in a violent convulsion before death stilled its body. With a cry of victory and relief, I tore deep into the Barroth's body to claim its bounty. In the end, I found my weapon of choice and it served me well.
Back in Moga Village, I asked the blacksmith to make a helmet for me out of the Barroth's armored plates. I now wear the helm proudly as a testament to my victory over the beast and as a tribute to its strength. I feel as if the soul of the Barroth has bled into me. His tenacity feeds me as I continue to battle against even mightier foes. With my deadly switch axe in hand, no beast is safe from my onslaught.
Showing posts with label Wii. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wii. Show all posts
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Through The Panther's Eyes - Weapon of Choice
I am slowly beginning to understand the wit and cunning necessary to battle a beast at least five times your size without the aid of my near limitless power. Though I have already killed a good number of Great Jaggi, capturing one is a completely different story. I swore that I would take one of them alive or they would die trying (which they did, numerous times). First, you have to wound it sufficiently without killing it. Then, you must lay a trap in the area to catch it. This requires getting into the head of the beast, as you'll have to anticipate where it will retreat to. You can also lay the trap between you and the monster and use yourself as bait. After the monster is struggling in the trap, you have to tranquilize it, using bombs of tranquilizer gas, darts, etc.
It took me days to finally capture my first Great Jaggi, but it was worth it. After taking the beast back, I was given an opportunity to face the last monster I hunted with Ironbeard: the manipulative Quropeco. The thing looked more like a bird, but was considered a wyvern, just like the others. It's greatest strength is it's song, which can not only mimic the calls of other monsters to attract the, but can heal itself as well.
Killing it was no problem, since I was able to finally acquire the coveted switch axe, which I tend to prefer. Wielding that weapon was like second nature to me. After that and some other monsters, I got the chance to capture another Qurupeco. Despite the hunt being treacherous, as it called the fierce Rathian, one of the largest monsters I've seen so far, I was able to use my new weapon and the knowledge I gained from trapping Great Jaggis to make short work of this hunt. The Qurupeco barely got a chance to escape me.
Then, I came across something that made me rethink my strategy on weapons. The mighty Barroth is a tower of mud and armor. While hunting them, the kill has, so far, eluded me. Its large size belies its speed and its armored carapace has proven to deflect all but the sharpest of weapons. My switch axe was too dull to pierce its armor. Only two weapons in my possession are sharp enough to slash the beast: one of my sword and shield combinations and my greatsword.
While the greatsword has plenty of power behind each swing, I found myself too slow to effectively attack the Barroth. The sword and shield is much faster, but doesn't do a lot of damage, leaving me to constantly hack at the beast before doing any real damage. With the sword and shield, I did have the Barroth weakened significantly, but it wasn't enough. He has proven too powerful for me, at this time.
If only I could have the blacksmith improve my switch axe, but I don't have the right materials for it. Even if I did, it still wouldn't be sharp enough to wound the creature. I find myself frustrated, as he is the first monster I have failed to kill. Despite this, I am not dissuaded by defeat. By the blade in my hand and every muscle in my body, I will see the Barroth's blood taint the mud hole that is its home. I will carve deep into its impenetrable flesh. I will tear the spoils of battle from its bone.
This, I swear.
It took me days to finally capture my first Great Jaggi, but it was worth it. After taking the beast back, I was given an opportunity to face the last monster I hunted with Ironbeard: the manipulative Quropeco. The thing looked more like a bird, but was considered a wyvern, just like the others. It's greatest strength is it's song, which can not only mimic the calls of other monsters to attract the, but can heal itself as well.
Killing it was no problem, since I was able to finally acquire the coveted switch axe, which I tend to prefer. Wielding that weapon was like second nature to me. After that and some other monsters, I got the chance to capture another Qurupeco. Despite the hunt being treacherous, as it called the fierce Rathian, one of the largest monsters I've seen so far, I was able to use my new weapon and the knowledge I gained from trapping Great Jaggis to make short work of this hunt. The Qurupeco barely got a chance to escape me.
Then, I came across something that made me rethink my strategy on weapons. The mighty Barroth is a tower of mud and armor. While hunting them, the kill has, so far, eluded me. Its large size belies its speed and its armored carapace has proven to deflect all but the sharpest of weapons. My switch axe was too dull to pierce its armor. Only two weapons in my possession are sharp enough to slash the beast: one of my sword and shield combinations and my greatsword.
While the greatsword has plenty of power behind each swing, I found myself too slow to effectively attack the Barroth. The sword and shield is much faster, but doesn't do a lot of damage, leaving me to constantly hack at the beast before doing any real damage. With the sword and shield, I did have the Barroth weakened significantly, but it wasn't enough. He has proven too powerful for me, at this time.
If only I could have the blacksmith improve my switch axe, but I don't have the right materials for it. Even if I did, it still wouldn't be sharp enough to wound the creature. I find myself frustrated, as he is the first monster I have failed to kill. Despite this, I am not dissuaded by defeat. By the blade in my hand and every muscle in my body, I will see the Barroth's blood taint the mud hole that is its home. I will carve deep into its impenetrable flesh. I will tear the spoils of battle from its bone.
This, I swear.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Through The Panther's Eyes - The Hunt Begins
My journey began on the uncharted island where Moga Village rested There, the locals heartily welcomed me, unaware of my true greatness. I kept my identity a secret, only going by my alter ego: Pantera. I didn't want any special treatment and I am not using any of my superior demigod powers. Only sinew and steel are my weapons. Out here, the Kaiser doesn't exist. I am reinventing myself.
My beginnings are modest. I don't have the kick-ass weapons and armor that I borrowed when Ironbeard took me monster hunting before. With a simple sword and shield and some leather armor I bought on the island, I heeded my first call of the wild.
The village chief asked me to hunt some of the local herbivores for steaks while I looked for his son, who was surveying the damage of the hunter base camp after an earthquake shook the island. I came across a small herd of the beasts enjoying the waters of a nearby stream. They seemed so gentle, so placid. Slaying one would be easy, but I must be respectful to them and their kind. They are a part of nature. They mean no harm to anyone do not lust for the kill, like some of the beasts on this island. There was a baby in the herd, so I didn't want to kill all the adults and leave it to die. One adult would suffice. I strode quickly up to one of them before it could notice me and let my sword bite deep into its flesh. The tearing of muscle, the cries of anguish, the blood; these things are as natural to a hunter as the feel of air under wing is to a bird. The remainder of the herd ran to safety while I said a silent blessing to the dead (a true hunter always pays his respects to the fallen). I tore the meat from bone, taking as much as I could, and wrapped it safely in my pack. The kill was done. I ran to the base camp to meet the elder's son, who had some bad news for me.
The base camp had taken severe damage and would need to be repaired. The village could provide the labor, but needed resources to build with. Wood was relatively easy to come by, but they needed skins, bone, and tendons to fasten and seal their buildings. The job of securing such things fell to me. The chief's son told me that the fierce Jaggi had the best skins for the job, so I made my way to their typical hunting grounds. The son warned me of the danger of hunting them, but I had dealt with them before. I may have walked away with a few scratches, but they were no real trouble. As I hunted them down, I noticed that the village had managed to clear out some of the rockfall that blocked the roads when the earthquake hit. I took a look at my surroundings. The night sky shone brilliantly; streaks of meteors cut through the black. Under the cover of darkness, I made quick work of my grisly trade. Blood, mine and my prey's, stained the grass. I took from them what I needed and quietly left.
As the moon lit my path back to the village, I contemplated my new surroundings. I was surrounded by the mountains that crowned this isle. The late night breeze carried the sea to my nostrils. For a while, I would call this place my second home, where Kaiser lies dormant, and a new creature, a fierce panther, stalked the island.
(If you want to know more about my impressions of Monster Hunter Tri, check out my "review" on Infinite Worlds.)
My beginnings are modest. I don't have the kick-ass weapons and armor that I borrowed when Ironbeard took me monster hunting before. With a simple sword and shield and some leather armor I bought on the island, I heeded my first call of the wild.
The village chief asked me to hunt some of the local herbivores for steaks while I looked for his son, who was surveying the damage of the hunter base camp after an earthquake shook the island. I came across a small herd of the beasts enjoying the waters of a nearby stream. They seemed so gentle, so placid. Slaying one would be easy, but I must be respectful to them and their kind. They are a part of nature. They mean no harm to anyone do not lust for the kill, like some of the beasts on this island. There was a baby in the herd, so I didn't want to kill all the adults and leave it to die. One adult would suffice. I strode quickly up to one of them before it could notice me and let my sword bite deep into its flesh. The tearing of muscle, the cries of anguish, the blood; these things are as natural to a hunter as the feel of air under wing is to a bird. The remainder of the herd ran to safety while I said a silent blessing to the dead (a true hunter always pays his respects to the fallen). I tore the meat from bone, taking as much as I could, and wrapped it safely in my pack. The kill was done. I ran to the base camp to meet the elder's son, who had some bad news for me.
The base camp had taken severe damage and would need to be repaired. The village could provide the labor, but needed resources to build with. Wood was relatively easy to come by, but they needed skins, bone, and tendons to fasten and seal their buildings. The job of securing such things fell to me. The chief's son told me that the fierce Jaggi had the best skins for the job, so I made my way to their typical hunting grounds. The son warned me of the danger of hunting them, but I had dealt with them before. I may have walked away with a few scratches, but they were no real trouble. As I hunted them down, I noticed that the village had managed to clear out some of the rockfall that blocked the roads when the earthquake hit. I took a look at my surroundings. The night sky shone brilliantly; streaks of meteors cut through the black. Under the cover of darkness, I made quick work of my grisly trade. Blood, mine and my prey's, stained the grass. I took from them what I needed and quietly left.
As the moon lit my path back to the village, I contemplated my new surroundings. I was surrounded by the mountains that crowned this isle. The late night breeze carried the sea to my nostrils. For a while, I would call this place my second home, where Kaiser lies dormant, and a new creature, a fierce panther, stalked the island.
(If you want to know more about my impressions of Monster Hunter Tri, check out my "review" on Infinite Worlds.)
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
New Year's Resolution? Kill Dracula!
This monday marked another point in the hit-or-miss offerings on the Wii Shop Channel, but there is one game release that would definitely count as a "direct hit." At last, the long anticipated Castlevania game for WiiWare hit consoles all over the US.
Turns out, though, that it's actually a remake of a long forgotten chapter in the history of the Belmont family. The new game is called Castlevania: The Adventure ReBirth, which refers to the first Castlevania to come to the Game Boy in 1989. Following the quest of Christopher Belmont to stop Dracula from resurrecting once again, it actually takes place one century before Simon's foray in the original NES title. Unfortunately, Castlevania: The Adventure was mediocre, at best, which disappointed Game Boy owners at the time.
Fast forward exactly twenty years. Konami reveals that it dusted off this game, gave it a serious overhaul, and re-released it to the gaming public. I say exactly twenty years because the ReBirth version was released in Japan on October 27th of this year (while the original was released in October 27th of '89) and the US release for both versions was in December, though I don't know the actual release date of the original game.
So, as the game celebrates its 20th birthday, the question stands: has it aged well?
Considering the fact that the original was an uninspired attempt to bring the franchise to the portable market, ReBirth is a complete makeover. This game is the equivalent of that forgettably frumpy girl from elementary school that turned into an unattainably hot woman once she got to college and the only thing you can think of when you see her is, "Damn, I wish I had been a lot nicer to her back then, so I could TAP THAT ASS!"
Not only is this game a significant improvement of the original, it's actually a step up from the NES games. I've known a lot of people who played the original Castlevania games and each of them complained about some of the really fucking annoying things that repeatedly get you killed: swarms of medusa heads, not being able to attack on stairs, damage knockback pushing you off that moving platform to your death. Guess what? You won't find any of them in Castlevania: The Adventure ReBirth. No knockback damage, none. Medusa heads are still there (this wouldn't be a Castlevania game without them), but you won't have schools of them trying to fly up your ass while you jump from platform to platform. Yes, you can use your whip on the stairs.
Some things are exactly like they used to be, though. You have to climb the stairs just like you would in the old games. By the way, remember how you couldn't swing your whip upward, diagonally, or in any other direction than straight ahead? Yeah, that's back. But, they did bring back the whip power up where you can shoot fireballs with it, so it's a decent trade. To be honest, the way it's set up, I didn't feel the need to whip diagonally, anyway. That's what's good about this game. The difficulty stems from it actually being "challenging," instead of "retarded." You won't find yourself in a situation where you'll ask, "How the fuck am I supposed to do that?" This game relies perfectly on skill, which makes this game more appealing to people who usually hate frustrating platform games (myself included). If you die in this game, it's your own damn fault.
Actually, I've noticed that I've unlocked a feature called "Classic" mode. I tried it out a little bit, but I'm not sure exactly what it does different from "Normal" mode. Given the extras I unlocked in Contra ReBirth, I wouldn't be surprised to find more. (Update: "Classic" mode only affects the physics of Christopher Belmont's jumping, making it as difficult as the traditional NES games. Learned that the hard way; won't be using it again. Also, from what I've read, it seems there are no other extras in the game.)
Despite a minor setback with the insanely hard Gradius ReBirth, Konami's ReBirth titles are doing a great job of reinvigorating these classic franchises from the NES era. Castlevania: The Adventure ReBirth definitely refines the retro gameplay that its predecessors set and reintroduces the story of this forgotten Belmont. This time, doing it right.
Though why they used this crappy music, instead of some classic Castlevania tunes, for this trailer is beyond me.
Kaiser out
Fast forward exactly twenty years. Konami reveals that it dusted off this game, gave it a serious overhaul, and re-released it to the gaming public. I say exactly twenty years because the ReBirth version was released in Japan on October 27th of this year (while the original was released in October 27th of '89) and the US release for both versions was in December, though I don't know the actual release date of the original game.
So, as the game celebrates its 20th birthday, the question stands: has it aged well?
Considering the fact that the original was an uninspired attempt to bring the franchise to the portable market, ReBirth is a complete makeover. This game is the equivalent of that forgettably frumpy girl from elementary school that turned into an unattainably hot woman once she got to college and the only thing you can think of when you see her is, "Damn, I wish I had been a lot nicer to her back then, so I could TAP THAT ASS!"
"You snooze, you lose, punk-ass. Bitch be mine, now. Blah!"
Some things are exactly like they used to be, though. You have to climb the stairs just like you would in the old games. By the way, remember how you couldn't swing your whip upward, diagonally, or in any other direction than straight ahead? Yeah, that's back. But, they did bring back the whip power up where you can shoot fireballs with it, so it's a decent trade. To be honest, the way it's set up, I didn't feel the need to whip diagonally, anyway. That's what's good about this game. The difficulty stems from it actually being "challenging," instead of "retarded." You won't find yourself in a situation where you'll ask, "How the fuck am I supposed to do that?" This game relies perfectly on skill, which makes this game more appealing to people who usually hate frustrating platform games (myself included). If you die in this game, it's your own damn fault.
Actually, I've noticed that I've unlocked a feature called "Classic" mode. I tried it out a little bit, but I'm not sure exactly what it does different from "Normal" mode. Given the extras I unlocked in Contra ReBirth, I wouldn't be surprised to find more. (Update: "Classic" mode only affects the physics of Christopher Belmont's jumping, making it as difficult as the traditional NES games. Learned that the hard way; won't be using it again. Also, from what I've read, it seems there are no other extras in the game.)
Despite a minor setback with the insanely hard Gradius ReBirth, Konami's ReBirth titles are doing a great job of reinvigorating these classic franchises from the NES era. Castlevania: The Adventure ReBirth definitely refines the retro gameplay that its predecessors set and reintroduces the story of this forgotten Belmont. This time, doing it right.
Though why they used this crappy music, instead of some classic Castlevania tunes, for this trailer is beyond me.
Kaiser out
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Savage Wiimote Prosthetic Apocalypse
Right now, I would imagine a lot of Wii owners feel like they got the short end of the stick. I've read articles on the major video game websites (Destructoid, IGN) that have been showing some disappointment and disenchantment with what companies have been creating with Nintendo's recent technology.
I will have to admit that there are a lot of Wii games that are nothing more than piles of shit, whether it be some lazy shovelware, a lame ass PS2 port, or some dumbed-down kids title that most kids wouldn't even play. Despite this, there really are some gems for the Wii out there. Some of these gems have even slipped under the radar (I could probably do a few "Games you should know about..." segments on some of these titles; maybe I will). The Wii does have some strong titles, such as MadWorld, House of the Dead: Overkill, and the new Silent Hill: Shattered Memories (not to mention the fact that all three of these titles are rated M).
Here's the thing: every system is going to have some terrible games. Let's not forget the titanic disaster that was Lair for the PS3. And have you seen the independent games you can download through XBOX Live? I wouldn't even wipe my ass with most of them! All you have to do is just buy the good games. Yes, there are good games out for the Wii and, no, you can't count them on one hand. With the Wii Motion Plus, Nintendo's even fixing the limited responsiveness the Wiimote has.
But that's not what I wanted to talk about, anyway. There's something for the Wii that's far worse than those crappy shovelware games. I'm talking about those shitty attachments for the Wiimote that every cheap-ass toy company decided to make. Obviously, it's not enough to pretend that your Wiimote is a bat, so someone made an attachment that makes your Wiimote look like a bat with a serious growth problem. Now kids don't have to do anything dangerous, like use their imaginations, when they play. Crisis averted!
I actually went to a dollar store last night and saw a varied assortment of these attachments. Some of these attachments are just so damn pathetic. I couldn't resist taking a few pictures to show you what kind of crap they came up with. Just so you know, I took these with my camera phone, so the quality's not so great. You'll definitely need to click on the thumbnails to get a better look.
Parents, have you ever found your kids playing table tennis on Wii Play and said to yourself, "I just bought a perfectly good table tennis set and the kids don't even play with it." Well tell those kids to turn off the game and fire up the table, because you just got them the new Wii Table Tennis Attachment Set.
That's right. What better way to have them play everyone's favorite party game than to slap a real paddle to the top of their Wiimotes? And if the kids complain that they'd rather play with the Wii, tell them they're using their Wiimotes to play this game, so, actually, they are playing with the Wii. Now shut up, kids, or we'll flush your gerbil down the toilet. And remember, the only thing better than using the Wii Table Tennis Attachment Set is using an actual set of real table tennis paddles, so what's the fucking point?!
Next up is the jet ski handlebar attachment. This thing uses both the Wiimote and the nunchuck as handles to steer your way through the waves and onto victory. Because jet skiing on the Wii is so popular, kids of all ages will love using this. And since motorcycling games are only second to jet skiing games in terms of popularity, this can also double as motorcycle handles.
There's only one problem. I'm sure that most of these jet ski and motorcycle games actually require you hold the Wiimote between your hands and steer, just like in Mario Kart Wii. When held properly, the fulcrum should be in the center of the Wiimote. With this attachment, the Wiimote is used as one of the handles, making the fulcrum of steering six inches away from where it needs to be. Does this sound problematic to anyone else but me? Wouldn't it make more sense to have a place for the Wiimote in the center of the thing? Using this is just going to make you feel like you're riding a shitty bike with terrible steering. Who thought this was a good idea?
Of course, you have the golf club and the tennis racket attachments. Those things have been around ever since the Wii came out. They're small, crappy, unrealistic, and pointless. You've seen these things cluttering up the shelves of your local GameStop for years. I wonder, though, how many of you have seen one of these on the store shelves.
Just like the package says, it's a frying pan attachment. No shit. Does anyone really need an attachment like this? I can understand if this were a real pan and was marketed to husbands who have wives that are too busy playing the Wii to make them dinner, but making a frying pan so you can play the Cooking Mama games is just retarded.
Look, there's even a cooking utensil attachment for the Wiimote. I don't know how stupid you have to be to want something so ridiculous. You can even fold down the utensils you're not using. So, in essence, this is actually a swiss army knife attachment. That doesn't help its case, though. It still sucks.
You may have noticed that some of these attachments have a sticker on them that says, "Compatible with Motion Plus." Um... yeah. I don't see how a cheap piece of plastic that I've so dorkily attached to my Wiimote will interfere with the complex control of the Wii Motion Plus, but I feel so much better now that you told me.
I've saved the worst for last. So intrigued I was by this phenomenon of ridiculously dressing up your Wiimote, that I decided to find out what else they made for the quirky little controller. I want you guys to take a wild guess as to what this attachment is for.
If you said sex toys, not only are you right, you're also highly perverted. I wish I was kidding about this. As a gag, I tried to look up "wiimote dildos" on Google, hoping to find someone's hilarious mock-up of the Wiimote with a fake penis slapped onto it. I have to admit, finding info on this product (and it is a real product) was way too easy. I expected I would have to do some serious digging. Nope. I immediately got numerous articles about this very same product.
It's called the Wii-wee (okay, I made that up, but I couldn't resist). This was actually created in Germany. While it doesn't have any use for any Wii games, there is a computer program that allows you to control the vibrations of it. You can even go onto Skype and mess with someone else's Dildomote, making for extremely disturbing virtual sexcapades. You can go to their website and see a video where they are made fresh daily.
What does this mean? Well, you can forget about the Grand Theft Auto games, the Manhunt games, even that "No Russian" level in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. The most shocking video game experience for a kid is when they come home to catch their mom on the couch, fucking the Wii. Therapy bills will be through the roof.
Fortunately, there are a few good Wiimote attachments out there. Of course, there are the guitar controllers for Guitar Hero and Rock Band that allow you to pop the Wiimote in without having to go through the hassle of switching back to a regular controller after you're done or want to switch instruments. My favorite, though, is the Nerf gun. Not only is it better than Nintendo's own contribution to crappy Wiimote attachments, the Wii Zapper, you can also use it as a real Nerf gun. Now that is awesome. Don't bother getting the stupid game that comes packaged with it, just get the gun sold separately.
Now I'm off to see if I can find a Wiimote attachment for a plasma battle axe; that is to say that I am going to find me a plasma battle axe.
Kaiser out
I will have to admit that there are a lot of Wii games that are nothing more than piles of shit, whether it be some lazy shovelware, a lame ass PS2 port, or some dumbed-down kids title that most kids wouldn't even play. Despite this, there really are some gems for the Wii out there. Some of these gems have even slipped under the radar (I could probably do a few "Games you should know about..." segments on some of these titles; maybe I will). The Wii does have some strong titles, such as MadWorld, House of the Dead: Overkill, and the new Silent Hill: Shattered Memories (not to mention the fact that all three of these titles are rated M).
Here's the thing: every system is going to have some terrible games. Let's not forget the titanic disaster that was Lair for the PS3. And have you seen the independent games you can download through XBOX Live? I wouldn't even wipe my ass with most of them! All you have to do is just buy the good games. Yes, there are good games out for the Wii and, no, you can't count them on one hand. With the Wii Motion Plus, Nintendo's even fixing the limited responsiveness the Wiimote has.
But that's not what I wanted to talk about, anyway. There's something for the Wii that's far worse than those crappy shovelware games. I'm talking about those shitty attachments for the Wiimote that every cheap-ass toy company decided to make. Obviously, it's not enough to pretend that your Wiimote is a bat, so someone made an attachment that makes your Wiimote look like a bat with a serious growth problem. Now kids don't have to do anything dangerous, like use their imaginations, when they play. Crisis averted!
I actually went to a dollar store last night and saw a varied assortment of these attachments. Some of these attachments are just so damn pathetic. I couldn't resist taking a few pictures to show you what kind of crap they came up with. Just so you know, I took these with my camera phone, so the quality's not so great. You'll definitely need to click on the thumbnails to get a better look.
Parents, have you ever found your kids playing table tennis on Wii Play and said to yourself, "I just bought a perfectly good table tennis set and the kids don't even play with it." Well tell those kids to turn off the game and fire up the table, because you just got them the new Wii Table Tennis Attachment Set.
There's only one problem. I'm sure that most of these jet ski and motorcycle games actually require you hold the Wiimote between your hands and steer, just like in Mario Kart Wii. When held properly, the fulcrum should be in the center of the Wiimote. With this attachment, the Wiimote is used as one of the handles, making the fulcrum of steering six inches away from where it needs to be. Does this sound problematic to anyone else but me? Wouldn't it make more sense to have a place for the Wiimote in the center of the thing? Using this is just going to make you feel like you're riding a shitty bike with terrible steering. Who thought this was a good idea?
You may have noticed that some of these attachments have a sticker on them that says, "Compatible with Motion Plus." Um... yeah. I don't see how a cheap piece of plastic that I've so dorkily attached to my Wiimote will interfere with the complex control of the Wii Motion Plus, but I feel so much better now that you told me.
I've saved the worst for last. So intrigued I was by this phenomenon of ridiculously dressing up your Wiimote, that I decided to find out what else they made for the quirky little controller. I want you guys to take a wild guess as to what this attachment is for.
It's called the Wii-wee (okay, I made that up, but I couldn't resist). This was actually created in Germany. While it doesn't have any use for any Wii games, there is a computer program that allows you to control the vibrations of it. You can even go onto Skype and mess with someone else's Dildomote, making for extremely disturbing virtual sexcapades. You can go to their website and see a video where they are made fresh daily.
What does this mean? Well, you can forget about the Grand Theft Auto games, the Manhunt games, even that "No Russian" level in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. The most shocking video game experience for a kid is when they come home to catch their mom on the couch, fucking the Wii. Therapy bills will be through the roof.
Fortunately, there are a few good Wiimote attachments out there. Of course, there are the guitar controllers for Guitar Hero and Rock Band that allow you to pop the Wiimote in without having to go through the hassle of switching back to a regular controller after you're done or want to switch instruments. My favorite, though, is the Nerf gun. Not only is it better than Nintendo's own contribution to crappy Wiimote attachments, the Wii Zapper, you can also use it as a real Nerf gun. Now that is awesome. Don't bother getting the stupid game that comes packaged with it, just get the gun sold separately.
Now I'm off to see if I can find a Wiimote attachment for a plasma battle axe; that is to say that I am going to find me a plasma battle axe.
Kaiser out
Monday, September 14, 2009
Random Weirdness - Every Monday
Since I blogged about Contra last night. I figure I'd do a follow up with this video.
By the way, you know what WiiWare does for an encore after Contra ReBirth? They release more shovelware. This time, we get a stupid Texas Hold 'Em game, some weird puzzle game, and a game where you race around a supermarket to be the first to get all your items. Seriously. It's as if the people who make these games have no damn good ideas and they're just pulling shit out of their asses (Hey, I was watching Supermarket Sweep on the Game Show Network last night. Let's turn that into a video game.)
Anyway, here's the video.
By the way, you know what WiiWare does for an encore after Contra ReBirth? They release more shovelware. This time, we get a stupid Texas Hold 'Em game, some weird puzzle game, and a game where you race around a supermarket to be the first to get all your items. Seriously. It's as if the people who make these games have no damn good ideas and they're just pulling shit out of their asses (Hey, I was watching Supermarket Sweep on the Game Show Network last night. Let's turn that into a video game.)
Anyway, here's the video.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
CONTRA REBORN!
Konami have been introducing their popular franchises to the Wii. We've seen Gradius make a WiiWare return and that horrible Castlevania fighting game (when will you learn, Konami. Castlevania sucks in 3D), not to mention Solid Snake in Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Now, it's time for my all time favorite classic Konami franchise to step up. Of course, I'm speaking of Contra ReBirth, which was released this past monday on WiiWare.
I haven't played an awesome Contra game since Contra III: The Alien Wars. Since then, most of the games have been less than stellar (primarily Legacy of War and The Contra Adventure - both of those games sucked). Then Contra 4 came out (I still have yet to play that one) which brought back the series in superb form.
Now we have one for the WiiWare, and it kicks ass. It reminds me a lot of Contra III, with the ability to switch between two weapons on the fly and the return of the homing missile, which is tied with, of course, the spread gun as my favorite weapon. Bill Rizer is back, of course, but Lance is gone, literally. Lance went on a solo mission back in time to the 1970s and was never heard from again. Which leaves Bill and his new partner, Yagyu (from Neo Contra) to go back and finish the job.
Everything I love about the series is back: shitloads of enemies, bullets, and explosions. Some of the stages are crazy. The first boss battle has you jumping out of your exploding spaceship to fight a giant space centipede, or whatever, while you ride on the debris that is burning up while entering the Earth's atmosphere (I'm not making this up, check out the video). Another stage has a bunch of purple, robotic, giant llamas that you can blow the heads off of. Crazy.
This game is so much fun. It brings me back to the days of playing the original with my younger brother, as always, implementing the Konami code that everyone knows by heart (man, I did that shit in my sleep). Anyway, if you haven't played it, do so. And if you have a Wii, it's ten bucks, man. I swear, Contra ReBirth could wipe the floor with the other WiiWare games out there. Pick. This. Up.
Anyway, here's some of that beautiful bean footage. By beans, I mean "wanton destruction."
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Savage "This is Red Steel 2?" Apocalypse
Despite being the initial first-person shooter for the Wii, Red Steel did not live up the the potential that could have made it a great game. Namely, the controls were bad. Well, Ubisoft has learned its lesson and are trying again with Red Steel 2. There's only one question: Is this really a sequel?
To say that the new game is a sequel to the original is like saying my cousin is a 50 foot tall robot mastodon with laser tusks (which would kick ass, but not the case). The resemblance is not there at all. Where the first game was about fighting Yakuza to save your girlfriend in the present, Red Steel 2 is about a katana wielding gunslinger in a post-apocalyptic Arizona. Maybe the gunslinger is the descendant of the protagonist from the first game, but that's stretching it.
Regardless, this looks so fucking cool. Not only will this game utilize Wii Motion Plus technology, but will come packaged with the Wiimote add-on, which should fix the terrible swordplay mechanics (I hope).
Anyway, here's a trailer for the game.
To say that the new game is a sequel to the original is like saying my cousin is a 50 foot tall robot mastodon with laser tusks (which would kick ass, but not the case). The resemblance is not there at all. Where the first game was about fighting Yakuza to save your girlfriend in the present, Red Steel 2 is about a katana wielding gunslinger in a post-apocalyptic Arizona. Maybe the gunslinger is the descendant of the protagonist from the first game, but that's stretching it.
Regardless, this looks so fucking cool. Not only will this game utilize Wii Motion Plus technology, but will come packaged with the Wiimote add-on, which should fix the terrible swordplay mechanics (I hope).
Anyway, here's a trailer for the game.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Savage Virtual Console Apocalypse
I love the Wii's Virtual Console service. Bringing all of my favorite titles from yesteryear right to my game system for a reasonable price. You want to play NES games? You got it. Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo games? Sure thing. TurboGrafx 16? Hell, we'll even throw in some of the TurboGrafx CD games for good measure. You want some Japanese games, too? Go right ahead. Domo arigato, Mr. Nintendo.
The Virtual Console could very well rule the world, but it doesn't.
Why? Well aside from the obvious (that being yours truly rules the world), it's not being utilized to it's fullest. Sure, they put some great games on there, but there's a lot of crap on there, too. Seriously, who wants to play Mach Rider, or the Adventures of Lolo, or Milon's Secret Castle (The Angry Video Game Nerd said it was terrible)? They even have Donkey Kong Jr. Math. Who the hell wants to play a math game?
And those are just in the NES games. Fortunately, the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis libraries are not as clogged with as many shitty games as the NES, but you can still find some crap lying around there. Not only that, but there are plenty of games that have yet to see the light of day on the service. Where are all the cool Enix games? You only have Actraiser available. Where's Soul Blazer or Illusion of Gaia? Hell, where's the Dragon Warrior series?
The weekly releases seem like just a small trickle, too. Initially, they said that there would be four games released every week. I think that might have happened only once or twice since its inception. During the winter, they usually only put out two games. And when it picks back up in the spring, you'll usually see up to three per week. Now, I understand that Nintendo can only do so much each week, so I'm not too bent out of shape about that.
Then comes the advent of WiiWare. At first, I thought, "Cool, some downloadable modern games." But then I realized that , instead of releasing three for the VC and one for WiiWare, the WiiWare release often took the spot of one of the VC releases. So now, if you're lucky, you get a WiiWare game and two VC games. Not to mention the fact that half the WiiWare games are nothing more than a bunch of shovelware. You want a shitload of mediocre puzzle games? No? Too bad. You wanna play a bean bag tossing game? Neither do I, but they made it, anyway. Oh, here's a good one. Do you want to have your own farm... full of Pokemon? Can you do anything with it? No, not really. You just watch them as they act all cute. That'll be ten bucks, please.
Sure, there are great games for WiiWare. I love Strong Bad's Cool Game For Attractive People. I even like some of the WiiWare iterations of classic francises, like Bomberman Blast and Gradius Rebirth. The last WiiWare game I picked up was Onslaught, a Japanese first person shooter. I don't know if any Japanese company has ever made a first person shooter before this. It feels very much like an arcade game, though. It's not bad.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that Nintendo's online game services are great, but they're not as awesome as they should be. I still think that the VC is better than WiiWare, mostly because the latter is full of fledgling video game companies trying to make a quick buck by flinging monkey shit, while the former is full of seasoned video game companies trying to make a quick buck by rereleasing all their old games, which, by the way, some of them are still monkey shit.
I'll leave you with one moment of promise for the service. This independent company, WayForward, made a puzzle-horror game called LIT. It has a simple premise and storyline, but the mix of horror and puzzle elements gives it a fresh hook. It's not a bad game at all. I just hope we see more forward thinking game developers who can keep giving us something that pushes the boundaries of gaming. We all know the Wii could use all the help it can get in that department.
The Virtual Console could very well rule the world, but it doesn't.
Why? Well aside from the obvious (that being yours truly rules the world), it's not being utilized to it's fullest. Sure, they put some great games on there, but there's a lot of crap on there, too. Seriously, who wants to play Mach Rider, or the Adventures of Lolo, or Milon's Secret Castle (The Angry Video Game Nerd said it was terrible)? They even have Donkey Kong Jr. Math. Who the hell wants to play a math game?
And those are just in the NES games. Fortunately, the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis libraries are not as clogged with as many shitty games as the NES, but you can still find some crap lying around there. Not only that, but there are plenty of games that have yet to see the light of day on the service. Where are all the cool Enix games? You only have Actraiser available. Where's Soul Blazer or Illusion of Gaia? Hell, where's the Dragon Warrior series?
The weekly releases seem like just a small trickle, too. Initially, they said that there would be four games released every week. I think that might have happened only once or twice since its inception. During the winter, they usually only put out two games. And when it picks back up in the spring, you'll usually see up to three per week. Now, I understand that Nintendo can only do so much each week, so I'm not too bent out of shape about that.
Then comes the advent of WiiWare. At first, I thought, "Cool, some downloadable modern games." But then I realized that , instead of releasing three for the VC and one for WiiWare, the WiiWare release often took the spot of one of the VC releases. So now, if you're lucky, you get a WiiWare game and two VC games. Not to mention the fact that half the WiiWare games are nothing more than a bunch of shovelware. You want a shitload of mediocre puzzle games? No? Too bad. You wanna play a bean bag tossing game? Neither do I, but they made it, anyway. Oh, here's a good one. Do you want to have your own farm... full of Pokemon? Can you do anything with it? No, not really. You just watch them as they act all cute. That'll be ten bucks, please.
Sure, there are great games for WiiWare. I love Strong Bad's Cool Game For Attractive People. I even like some of the WiiWare iterations of classic francises, like Bomberman Blast and Gradius Rebirth. The last WiiWare game I picked up was Onslaught, a Japanese first person shooter. I don't know if any Japanese company has ever made a first person shooter before this. It feels very much like an arcade game, though. It's not bad.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that Nintendo's online game services are great, but they're not as awesome as they should be. I still think that the VC is better than WiiWare, mostly because the latter is full of fledgling video game companies trying to make a quick buck by flinging monkey shit, while the former is full of seasoned video game companies trying to make a quick buck by rereleasing all their old games, which, by the way, some of them are still monkey shit.
I'll leave you with one moment of promise for the service. This independent company, WayForward, made a puzzle-horror game called LIT. It has a simple premise and storyline, but the mix of horror and puzzle elements gives it a fresh hook. It's not a bad game at all. I just hope we see more forward thinking game developers who can keep giving us something that pushes the boundaries of gaming. We all know the Wii could use all the help it can get in that department.
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