Monday, November 30, 2009

Random Weirdness - Every Monday

At this moment, I am busy working on a few things for the Ablogcalypse.  First off, my Music of the Gods spot on the sidebar is undergoing changes.  No more will I be at the whim of YouTube to randomly pull videos from the keywords I put in, sometimes getting crappy ass videos that I didn't want.  Now, I'm changing to a playlist, thanks to a website I discovered recently called Grooveshark.  I'll have total control over what songs are available on the playlist, as it should be.

Also, I'm working extra hard on my next Metal Moment.  I plan on having that up either Tuesday or Wednesday.

Since I've been so busy, I haven't had much time to dig up a weird video.  So I'm just going the lazy route.  You guys can watch Olivia Munn look pretty at a GameStop.

Friday, November 27, 2009

The Blood Red Friday Massacre

I am extremely disappointed.

Not once did I get a chance to beat the shit out of someone.  I was just waiting for some crazy lady or a middle class asshole to set me off so I could paint the aisles red.  Didn't happen.  I'm kinda bummed about it.  I was looking forward to having people running from the store, screaming for their lives while I was piledriving grandma.  Then I would laugh as fifty cops struggled to hold me down.  Of course, I would launch them into the walls and smash through the store windows to escape.  Then, as I made my getaway on foot, I would uproot a tree and launch it at the police chopper that was following me.  If this were a Grand Theft Auto game, I'd have a six-star rampage going.

No such luck, though.  Oh well.  To be honest I'm not sure if I'm more disappointed that I expect people to be greedy, slavering, commercialized beasts that tear into each other with abandon or that they didn't even live up to those expectations.  Let's not beat around the bush - Humans are scum.  But when you drop the ball and don't even have the gumption to be the most abhorrent beings in existence anymore, that's just pure laziness.

That's where reality television comes in.  You want to see despicable people who should be sealed in a airtight vault and sent to the bottom of the ocean?  You watch reality TV.  You see, when I was working in retail (this was years ago, by the way), I came up with a great concept for this game show.  It would be this huge event, held every year on Black Friday, where people are selected to win cash and fabulous prizes.  The problem: each prize has been promised to two different people and there's no sharing.  Throw the two into an arena fully stocked with brutal weapons (No guns - we want the action to last.) and you have a recipe for carnage so sickening you'll be tasting last night's turkey a second time.  It would be done in a tournament bracket.  Each winner would advance to greater prizes that they have to kill each other for until we come to the champion who wins all the prizes from all the battles (as they're the only one left to receive them).

Then again, why let any of these assholes have anything?  The champion should face against an undefeatable opponent in order to keep their winnings.  Of course, they'll be completely anhihilated by this opponent and no one will win.  I nominate Abdominus and myself as the final opponents.  After we disembowel the champion, we take our rage out on the people in the audience for cheering at such a wanton display of human obliteration.  Bunch of sick fucks, I tell you.

Anyway, that's just an idea I've got floating around in my head.  If you'll excuse me, I've got an overwhelming urge to play Smash TV.

Kaiser out

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Kaiser Crowbar Gives Thanks

Supposedly, this is a time for us to reflect on the things in our lives that we're grateful for, like family and friends, having a nice house, blah, blah, blah. I just want some damn food. But I guess there are some things that I do appreciate.

First off, I am thankful for my beautiful wife. Not only is she the best, but she commands the four dimensions of the time/space continuum. Though she isn't too keen on me abusing such power, so I can't go back to the 1970s and destroy Rick Dees before he created this blight of human history.

By the way, no one should be thankful for that piece of crap.

I am thankful for sexy, large breasted women. You girls make the scenery much nicer around here.

I am thankful for Metal, without which, I would not be here and things would suck a lot more.

I am also thankful for those raspberry and blackberry gummy candies from Harry and David.  They're not cheap, but those things are the culinary equivalent to a ninesome (eight girls and me).

I am thankful for all of my loyal Steel Legionnaires.  You guys keep me going.

I am thankful that the local rock station plays Arlo Guthrie's "Alice's Restaurant" every Thanksgiving (it's a tradition).

I am thankful for Sword & Sorcery books.  No truer account of history has been written.  Forget American History.  I'd rather learn about the Hyborians, Atlanteans, and Lemurians.

I am thankful for video games for being so much damn fun.

I am thankful for RPGs for giving me a creative outlet and my favorite pasttime.

I am thankful for music, for inspiring me to this day.

Yes, I am thankful for my friends and family.  Without them, who would put up with me?

Most importantly, I am thankful for me and how fucking awesome I am.  And you should be thankful for that too.

Kaiser out

P.S. One thing I'm not thankful for - I have to go shopping tomorrow.  I swear, if some crazy bitch woman gets in my face or some punk ass tries to steal my shit, I will destroy them.  They won't need an ambulance.  They'll need a street sweeper.  Black Friday will become Blood Red Friday.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Random Weirdness - Every Monday

This one comes from the Bob & Tom show.  This show band, called Here Come the Mummies, were on the show a few weeks ago and kicked ass everywhere.  This song is hilarious and dig that bitchin' funk music.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

HeroClix Returns!

For those of you who don't know, HeroClix is a collectible miniatures game that was released by WizKids (which arose out of the ashes of defunct RPG company FASA).  WizKids actually revolutionized miniatures gaming with Mage Knight by making the hobby cheaper, easier to collect, and more accessible to those who don't have thousands of dollars to blow on a miniature army (just ask anyone who plays Warhammer 40,000).  HeroClix was based on comic book superheroes and had figures from many of the major comics of the day.  Primarily, they're divided by Marvel and DC lineups, but there was one series where they did figures from more independent comic companies, such as Top Cow, AD 2000 (the guys who made Judge Dredd), and even Dark Horse's HellboyHeroClix quickly became one of the top miniatures games, easily outlasting any other product line that WizKids created.

I started collecting HeroClix not long after the game debuted.  I've got a decent collection.  I haven't been able to consistently collect them, so I have completely missed out on certain sets.  I have played in a few tournaments, but I can't find any of my friends who collects them or even shows the slightest interest in playing (something's wrong with these people).

WizKids was bought by Topps in 2003, but Topps had to shut down the company last year due to financial troubles.  For a year, HeroClix fans have been clamoring for someone to purchase the company and to bring back the popular game.  Some have tried and failed, but a collectible toy company, NECA, did actually buy WizKids from Topps and immediately set on finishing the last HeroClix expansion that was left unfinished after the close:  Hammer of Thor.

The new packs are in stores as I speak and I couldn't be any happier.  I picked up a pack to celebrate (if I had a better cash flow, I would have picked up more).  What I like about this set the most is that there are lots of Asgardian figures, which makes them great for adding into any sword and sorcery RPG (such as, say, Legends of Steel).  I would love to get back into playing in tournaments again, but I'm not sure if the new WizKids has anything organized yet.  They do have a new website, but all that's there right now is info on the Hammer of Thor expansion, including an awesome database for every figure in the set.  I'm sure the site will grow bigger in the coming months.

All I can say right now is that I'm so fucking happpy to have HeroClix back.

Kaiser out

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Dragon Age: Origins

Is it even possible for BioWare to release a game that isn't genuinely awesome?

I think not.

Ever since Knights of the Old Republic, I have played BioWare's games.  To be honest, I didn't know how they would top Mass Effect, but they did.  Going back to the fantasy roots from their Baldur's Gate days, they release another shining example of quality gaming in Dragon Age: Origins.

Of course, everyone has already said how much this game kicks ass.  You've read the strong reviews, blah, blah, blah...   Now, the Kaiser has officially put his seal of fucking awesome on this game.  If you have a 360, you should probably be playing this game.

As is always the case near the holiday season, I'm too damn broke to purchase the game right now.  However, I did rent it and am putting in some hours on it (which is partially why I haven't posted in a while; deal with it).

First off, BioWare always does a great job adding so much depth to their games and Dragon Age is no exception.  First off, the events (whether in the main storyline or in the side quests) are well fleshed out and the characters are compelling.  While you don't have the exact freedom to do anything you want, like in Oblivion or Fallout 3, you actually find yourself wanting to journey through Ferelden to fight the Darkspawn that plague your land.  You can, however, be as good or as bad as your want to be during your quest.  This can actually affect some things in the story.  For example, in order to free a boy from the influence of a demon without killing him, a ritual must be performed.  Usually, this ritual requires many mages and sufficient magic power to accomplish this, which you don't have at the time, but it can also be done by performing a human sacrifice, which they boy's mother volunteers her life for.  The question is do you choose to take the easy way out and kill the mother, or do you travel to the mage tower and face a different (and lengthy) quest to save everyone?

Despite the choices of "good" and "evil," the game tends to take you mostly into "grey" areas, which makes for more human NPCs and more challenging decisions.  This, of course, is what BioWare has excelled at ever since KotOR, so this is definitely par for the course, at least.

Not only are the story and characters deep, but each quests you undertake is an epic journey of its own.  While I went to said mage tower to ask for their help, they were beseiged by demons, which I had to fight to save them.  During the rescue mission, one of the demons put my entire party in a deep sleep.  Suddenly, I found myself trapped in a dream world and had to complete another lengthy quest to awaken everyone before I could continue with the previous quest.

I also entered the lair of a dragon cult, which led waaaay deep into the heart of a mountain.  Originally, I was trying to recover a holy relic, but found out the ruins were taken over by this cult and had to destroy them and they dragon they worshipped (which was a bitchin' fight) to get to the relic's resting place.  Then, I had to pass the trials of the last guardian of the holy relic (think of the one scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, but longer) to reach the holy relic.  This game doesn't short change you on the adventure.  You wanna go on a quest?  You'll go on a motherfucking quest, boy!  Make sure you're in the mood to kill hundreds of enemies while you're at it, because that's how many demons, cut-throats, and dragons are between you and your goal.  When you're done, rinse and repeat.

Speaking of rinsing, you'll need to take a bath after every quest, because your whole party will the covered in blood.  This game doesn't mess around when it comes to the dark aspects of fantasy.  Battles are bloody, foes are cunning and cruel, allies will turn against you.  I actually appreciate that aspect.  At first, I didn't think I would be as excited about this game, since I usually don't do high fantasy.  Playing it sure did change my mind.

Of course, how can I talk about this game without talking about the two beautiful characters in your party that can become potential love interests.

First off, there's Morrigan.  Exotic, alluring, mysterious, and more than a bit dark and disturbing in ways.  She's also aloof, uncaring, and more than willing to shatter anyone's preconceived notions of faith.  I like her because she has an acerbic wit that creates some very amusing conversations between her and the other party members.  I wouldn't say she's evil, but I wouldn't say she's good, either.  Closer to the truth, she's awesome.

Then, there is the lovely Leliana.  She is highly spiritual in her beliefs, worldly, very feminine, and compassionate, but more than capable of killing a man.  Her hands are stained in blood, but she wishes to wash herself clean of her bloody past.

At this point, I don't know which one I want to bed more.  The choices I've made so far have made Leliana more favorable to me, and she is a soft, gentle song that compels me, but part of me also wants to melt the heart of Morrigan and see the woman behind that dark vaneer.

Anyway, I'm going back to playing.  If you haven't played this game yet, do so, real soon.  Hell, ask for it for Christmas (if you celebrate Christmas).  I don't care, just play this.

Kaiser out

Monday, November 16, 2009

Random Weirdness - Every Monday

I didn't know that Jazzy Jeff could play like this.  He and Abdominus should have a drum-off.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Relics of Youth - A Look Back at Toys From the Past

Back in the 1980s, toys used to kick ass.  We had all the coolest toys back then: He-Man, GI Joe, Transformers, Laser Tag...  In light of all those fond childhood memories, I'm starting a new segment that looks back at all the cool shit I used to play with and how superior they are to these crappy ass toys of today.

Now, I've already talked about Voltron toys (and my severe lack of any of them) in a previous post and I'll definitely get to some of the above mentioned toy lines at a later time.  Today, I want to start off with a toy line that, while not as remembered as some of these other toys, remained a favorite of everyone who grew up with them.  Today, we're going to look at...

Battle Beasts were released in 1987 and became a toy that every boy wanted for some time.  In Japan, they were called Beastformers and were considered an offshoot of the Transformers line.  They were even featured in an episode for Transformers that only aired in Japan.

The premise behind Battle Beasts was simple - they were these anthropomorphic warriors that had emblems on their armor.  Each emblem was one of three different elements: Water, Fire, and Wood.  Now, some of you might say, "wood's not an element."  Well, it is in Japan.  The Japanese have five elements as opposed to our four.  Their elements also don't include air, so they are as follows: earth, fire, water, wood, and METAAAAAAAAAL! (No, seriously, one of their elements is metal.  How fucking awesome is that?).

Anyway, these three elements act like the popular Japanese pastime of Jan Ken Pon (also known as rock-paper-scissors) and are used for the beasts to battle each other.  Pretty much fire beats wood, wood beats water, and water beats fire.  To keep your beast's element a secret, the emblems used heat sensitive technology to keep them dark until you rubbed your finger on them when the emblem would reveal which symbol it had (Transformers toys used the same thing to hide Autobot and Decepticon symbols).  The elemental symbols were random, so two kids with the same figure didn't have the same symbol.  Basically, playing with the elemental symbols lasted about ten seconds, then you got sick with it and just started battling them like you did with other action figures.  Fortunately, these figures had awesome weapons, so you didn't have to keep saying, "My wood beats your water!"  (That sounds dirty...)

They were a hit for a while in the States.  They put out figures up to series four.  Series four, which was called Shadow Warriors in the US and Laser Beasts in Japan, actually was different because they got rid of the color changing emlbems and replaced them with little windows in each of the beasts chests.  If you hold the figures up to the light and looked through the window, you saw their elemental symbol.  Actually, the Battle Beasts craze was dying down by that time, so very few of the Shadow Warriors figures were released.

As far as I can tell, there is somewhat of a modern counterpart to Battle Beasts. The Gormiti line of toys that were released sometime last year is kind of similar in ways.  There is an elemental aspect to the factions and some of the figures are anthropomorphic.  But that's where the similarities end.  Gormiti figures have no articulation, no weapons, and a stupid card game that involves adding the number on the card to the number on the figure's foot.  Now heat sensitive stickers may not have been the best toy gimmick, but it certainly was better than just adding two numbers together.

Nowadays, you can find Battle Beasts at the same place you can for any other classic toys, ebay.  Right now, I'm looking on there to see what's being sold.  I'm seeing a lot of collections going up and it doesn't seem like they're going for that much, though I did see one Shadow Warrior figure going for $325.  Still, if you remember these as fondly as I do and want to relive your childhood, you can pick some up without necesarilly going broke.

Until next time, my toys still kick ass.

Kaiser out

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Into the Void...

I am eagerly awaiting the release on  Dark Void on the XBOX 360 next January.  My excitement for this game is manyfold.

First off, it's an interesting take on pulp sci-fi.  This game seems to have everything:  lost worlds, alien oppressors, hair raising action, jetpacks (yes, you get to fly around with a JETPACK!), and even Nikola Tesla is on your side.  This seems to have a darker look than Buck Rogers or Flash Gordon, but what I've seen promises to bring all the classic alien fighting action I've been looking for in a game.

And if you're wondering if the game will do the genre justice, rest assured that the company making this game, Airtight Games, was also responsible for the fantastic XBOX game Crimson Skies: High Road to Revenge.  I'd feel really secure in pre-ordering this one already.

Just to drive it home, here's some footage from the game, complete with commentary by Airtight's lead game designer Jose Perez III.  This game looks so fucking awesome!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Random Weirdness - Every Monday

Okay, these guys are going about this all wrong.  As any interdimensional traveler knows, you don't summon a hot woman from another dimension.  You go to another dimension and partake of the hot ladies there.  For one thing, you have a much greater selection to choose from.  You can mix and match sexual partners to your heart's content.

Second, if you're a loser in your own dimension, summoning a hot girl is not going to help unless she has amazing powers and she gives a damn about you.  Lisa from Weird Science (which is a great movie and a great TV show, as well) genuinely cared about Gary and Wyatt.  Good luck finding someone like that.  If you go to another dimension, no one knows how much you really suck, which makes this a perfect opportunity to reinvent yourself.  A nerd can totally go to any barbarian world and just tell everyone he's a sorcerer.  Whip out some techno-wizardry and the ignorant masses will throw gold, land, amd hot women at your feet.  A saavy individual could rule a world easily that way.  Hell, I've done it quite a few times.

Third, and trust me on this, you will get tired of these women.  Relationships based on nothing but tawdry, but extremely satisfying sex never last.  You'll start getting annoyed with the way she chews her food and she'll start complaining about how you "don't pull your own weight."  There's a saying I have to that extent: "Sleep around with the mortal women, but marry a goddess."  If you brought a hot woman to your dimension, only to find out that her feet smell like the ass of a bog when she takes her sabretooth tiger skin boots off, getting rid of her is going to suck.

Unless you have a way of sending her back to her own dimension, you're stuck with her.  And if you try to break it off with her, you better be ready for the violence.  Warrior women, hot cyborgs, sexy sorceresses, etc. get real pissed when you dump them.  They will wipe the floor with you.  If you travel to their dimension, however, and the women there aren't doing it for you anymore, you can just leave at any time.  This leaves you free to go to another dimension and peruse the ladyfolk there without any serious repercussions.  Just set it and forget it.

Despite these guys totally botching this up, this is an awesome video.  I especially like that hot cyborg.  I need to build me one of those and have her programmed to orgasm on command.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

The Kaiser Manifesto

I find it hard to believe, but this marks my 100th post on the Ablogcalypse.  I started this blog early this year and I've already gotten this far.  I'm pretty amazed at myself.

But, my Steel Legionnaires and those who bear witness to my might, I have only begun.  This is only the tip of the iceberg.  The Ablogcalypse cannot be stopped!  There are many more things on the horizon and I have lofty goals for this place.  It's time we take this to the next level.

The preparations for phase two are already in motion.  I am armed with new content and am about to unleash some new regular segments on an unsuspecting world.

But there's something else I want.  I might have hinted at this earlier in my musings, but my primary goal is not to create the most motherfucking awesome site in the blogosphere.  That's just gravy.  My purpose in this dimension is to dominate this Earth, just as I have done in parallel universes.  As usual, the going is slow at first.  I must pool my resources and build the foundation of my inevitable rule from scratch.  Once the groundwork is laid out, though, things start to pick up.

First, all the dickheads, douchebags, and asshats will be driven to extinction.  Then I'll turn the world economy on its head, making things like old VHS copies of movies starring Tom Selleck and those rubber frisbee-looking things that you use to open jars the most valuable commodities on the planet.  Of course, I'll have bought out every dollar store in the world by that time, so that I have the market cornered on these resources.  Civilization will start to crumble from the center.  Governments will be helpless to do anything in the midst of the chaos.  People will look for new leadership and they will find it - in me.  As I ascend and bring my brand of order to the world, many things will change.  The Earth will not be what most people are used to.  As Mako used to say, "Let me tell you of the days of high adventure."

At first, there will be those who oppose my rightful place as warlord of Earth.  That is where my loyal Steel Legionnaires come in.  Though they are small in number now, they are unparalleled in might and will.  One day, they shall number in many thousands and will rise to quell all who would usurp my rule in fire, blood, and steel.  They will not annihilate them entirely, because, from time to time, we will need them to retailiate so we can crush them again.  I wouldn't want the Legion of Steel to get bored too quickly.

The dress code will change significantly as well.  Men and women who are in the peak of physical condition will only be allowed to wear battle armor or a loincloth and nothing else.  For those who have body image issues, I will give them the option of wearing tunics and trousers or skirts.  I don't want people feeling insecure about how they look.  I am a progressive thinking warlord, after all.  I will also allow women who opt for armor to wear less bulky armor that covers the bare minimum of their body and is easier to remove, should they ever be in an emergency situation where they must get naked.

Guns will be outlawed!  Guns are for pussies.  If you want to kill someone, you do it the old fashioned way.  Anyone wielding a gun in my presence will spontaneously combust from my pure contempt for them.

I also will incorporate a very strict environmental program.  Not only will we help bring endangered species of plants and animals back, we will genetically alter them so that they kick so much ass that no human will want to fuck with them.  Loggerhead Sea Turtles will be engineered to be 1000 times their normal size, have indestructible armor, and the ability to fly, just like Gamera.  Condors will have razor talons that can tear a human in half a second.  Sea Otters will have psychokinetic powers that can tear up a great white shark from the inside.  My own personal elite guard will be partially made of Grizzly Bears with steel jaws, Timber Wolves with ice breath, and Siberian Tigers with dragon wings.  And don't forget the Pandas.  They will be equipped with the greatest martial art techniques and have a taste for human flesh.  You wanna mess with Ling-Ling now, motherfuckers?

There are also concers about the ozone layer.  I say we destroy it.  Why?  So that the polar ice caps melt and we can thaw out all the Mastodons.  That's right, I'm bringing the Mastodons back and, yes, I'm giving them laser tusks.

The world I create in my image will be a dream come true.  You too can be a part of that dream.  Go to the sidebar on the right and join the Steel Legionnaires.  Fight for the side of awesome.  You'll get all the coolest armor and weapons and dibs on all the hottest ladies.  Don't let the world steal your dreams.  Let your dreams steal the world!

Oh, and don't forget to send me gifts of tribute, you know, things that are awesome, for my 100th post celebration.  You can leave your gifts in the comments or email them to me at

One more thing: When I celebrate my 100th post and reveal my plans for world domination, I listen to Manowar!

Friday, November 6, 2009

Kaiser's Metal Moment - Manowar!

When I ride my fire breathing metal six legged horse into battle, I listen to Manowar. When I bury my battle axe deep into the skull of a demon to save the captive beautiful maidens who were to be his blood sacrifice, I listen to Manowar. When I survey the massacre before me as plumes of blood mist spray from my dying enemies into the stormy sky, I listen to Manowar. When I'm bowling with the Titans of the Cosmos and I annihilate pin after pin with my sphere of bowling doom, I listen to Manowar.

Manowar has been kicking ass and blowing speakers since 1980 with music that invokes epic battles and remaining true to metal.  Being true to metal has always been important to the guys, as they have refused to compromise their ways.  Record executives and critics in the US have always criticized them, but such people are False Ones and must be destroyed by steel.

Regardless of how mainstream music views them, Manowar is still going strong, thanks to a loyal following in Europe, Japan, South America, and, to a lesser extent, the United States, where most people would rather listen to shitty music instead.

Not only is Manowar the purest of metal music, they have some of the most epic album covers.  Epic warriors standing over the field of battle, surrounded by beautiful, scantily clad women and the iconic Manowar sword in hand is a sight to behold.

The music is always hard and loud.  They've been known to break their own records for loudest concert numerous times.  They even performed for 5 hours straight at one time.  Truly, they are the kings of metal.

But do not take my word for it.  Listen to the thunderous sounds that will bring out the warrior in you.  Their songs are a war march and their chorus a battle cry.  Warriors of the World Unite!

To all my metal brothers, Hail from the Kaiser!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Random Weirdness - Two for the Price of One!

I like this commercial and I'm feeling really generous, so here you go.

I totally think you should let them do it. How many people can actually say that their chicken was destroyed by Dokken?

Random Japanese - あらゆる月曜日

Some Japanese guys find this bizarre sea creature washed upon the rocks.  What do they do with it?  Do they call a marine biologist to investigate?  Do they take the camera footage to report this find on the news?  Absolutely not!  They decide to fuck with it.  They poke, prod, and flip it on its "back."  Then, in a mature gesture of discovery in the name of science, they pour soda into its "mouth."  What happens afterward causes the men to become infected with a microorganism that will slowly mutate their bodies until they become mindless fish-like abominations.

The lesson here: Don't fuck with the Deep Ones!

One Last Afterthought to the Crypt of Doom

When I wrote my Alone in the Dark post on Oct. 30, IGN did an in-depth and lengthy piece on the history of horror games and the lifespan of the survival horror genre.  I wish I saw this article before I wrote that post, because it puts my research to shame.  This is one of the reasons why I like IGN.  They sometimes write some real meaty articles, especially about the history of video games.  If you are at all interested in the horror genre, you really should check out this article.

For those of you waiting for the weirdness, don't worry.  I'll have it served up real soon.

Kaiser out

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Kaiser Crowbar's Crypt of Doom: The Aftermath

Well, that's another Halloween behind us.  I hope you guys enjoyed yours.  I had a costume party over at my house and it was the soiree to end all soirees.  If you didn't get an invite, fear not.  I got pictures of the event.  Before I show you them, I want you guys to see some interesting Halloween decor.

I found this bust at Michaels while my surrogate sister, Jen, was looking for something for her costume.  I just love the appalled expression on his face.  When I first saw this, I imagined him saying in my best Bela Lugosi, "Oh my God, Becky.  Look at her butt.  It is so big."  (Google Sir Mix-a-lot if you don't know what I'm talking about.)

Next up, we come to the most prized artifact in my collection of all things metal.  I discovered this in the ruins of Lemuria and brought it back with me.  It has graces my computer room for years and remains an important piece.  My Steel Legionnaires, behold:

One of the few remnants from the half-robot/half-flesh life forms from that ruined island.  The forces of nature are at the command at he who wields it.  It is a relic so powerful, only the likes of me may hold it, for a lesser being than me would do something stupid, like put it in a museum, or use it as a hood ornament for their Pinto.  Metal Skull was made for greater things; things that only I shall accomplish.

If you look closely, you can still see a glimmer of life left in the hollow remains of this artifact.  This light is the only thing left of long lost Lemuria.

Anyway, onto the party.

We had a lot of food-like stuff for the party.  Jen made this awesome vampire coffin cake that looked too good to eat.  In fact, all of us were kind of waiting for someone else to take the first piece, so we didn't look like an asshole for ruining it.

Now, while this was supposed to be a costume party, I couldn't find any costume that suited me.  No amount of dressing up as something else would be as awesome as just being myself.  So, I just hosted the thing as I am.

This is my usual casual wear.  Yes, I carry a sword and axe with me when I'm bumming around.  Trust me, when hordes of demonic forces start attacking you while you're playing House of the Dead: Overkill or when you're "flogging the dolphin," you'll wish you had weapons, too.

Obviously, my battle cry was so loud, that it caused tremors.  The ladies in the background were desperately trying to cover their ears, but to no avail.  They were completely deaf, afterward.  I did heal their ears, though.  I figured that they can't listen to the demo tape of my band, Drakhenhelm, if they couldn't hear.  Man, the Abdominal Snowman would have been so upset by that.

Then there's the rest of the home clan.  First off, here's Surrogate-Sister Jen.  She's also my second in command because she's ruthless and insane.  She dressed up as Belle from Beauty and the Beast.  The little trick-or-treaters loved her.

Before any of you guys get any ideas that you may have a chance with her, I'm not going to bother mentioning that she's married to my cousin-in-law, I'm not even going to mention that if you break her heart, I may not kill you, but I'll make you want to commit suicide.  No, I'll tell you about the one time she cold cocked a guy, really, really hard in the parking lot of her work for calling her a bitch.

 The red in her eyes is not from the flash photography.  That is the fires of hatred.  It will burn the world, one day.

 This dashing star captain is James Patrick, my cousin-in-law, Jen's hubby, and my go to guy for advertising my blog.  We just call him Patrick for short.  He hates it.  You may find this hard to believe, but he's actually dressed as Captain Kirk.  I know it's kinda hard to tell with his yellow starfleet shirt, his phaser gun, and the cocky smirk on his face, but it's true.

The woman on the right is my wife, the Immortal Queen of All Time and Space.  Yes, she's greek and very awesome.  The woman beside her is a friend of ours, Gizmo.  She dressed up as a witchy homemaker, complete with martini glass with an eyeball floating in her "Witches' Brew."

Then there's Giz's fiancee, Kurt.  He actually made his Team Fortress 2 Scout costume for Anime Iowa this year, but he loved it so much, he decided to wear it again.  He's actually wielding one of our Guitar Hero guitars, since he left his bat at home.

By the way, we found Mario roaming around the streets, looking for mushrooms.  We decided to let him in and enjoy the festivities...

...but not without shaving off his moustache, first.  He didn't like that at all.  He kept complaining about how long it would take for him to grow a new one back.  That guy has no sense of humor.  Actually that's, James, or Jim, or Harold.  Jimbo?  I just call him James.  He had a fake moustache, but it kept falling off too quickly for us to take a picture with it on.

The woman on the left of this picture is Jame's wife, Samantha.  She's dressed as a... Strawberry Farmer?  Does New Super Mario Brothers for the Wii have a new princess?  I know there's Princess Peach.  Princess Strawberry?  I don't know.

Things started off a bit sketchy.  All the girls wanted to break out the Ouija board.  I told them not to go messing with that shit.  But no, they did their own thing.  Guess what happened?

That's right, they called forth a malignant being from the farthest reaches of deep space.  He was being a total asshat.  He put just about everyone into a mind numbing frenzy with his dark magic.

Then he did the unthinkable.  He took Metal Skull from its sacred housing and plotted to destroy the Earth with it.  I, of course, wasn't going to let that squid faced motherfucker get away with that.

So, we fought.  It was an epic battle, too.  The thing used the skull to call forth lightning and cosmic death rays, but it was no match for my might and my steel.

I smote the beast with all my fury.  The thing went down in a splutter of choked screams and black blood.  His corrupt soul was sent back to the foulest of hells and I stood triumphant.  Everyone else came to, not knowing what happened.  That's probably a good thing, though.  I almost broke the TV.

I reclaimed Metal Skull from its clammy, dead hands and the thing departed in a column of bile and smoke.  The Earth was safe again, because if anyone's going to dominate it, it damn well better be me.

After that clash, we decided to break out the games.  I got some people together for a round of Zombies!!! (everyone should play that game on Halloween).

While some of the other guys started up Rock Band.  It was pretty funny listening to some of them butcher songs.  They kept distracting us.

We had so many people that I decided to have some hired help. Dangerous Dan (one of many Steel Legionnaires who were in attendance) decided that he needed the extra money to get that new flamethrower arm installed, so he said that he and his girlfriend, Courtney, would help entertain guests.  Dan is the one playing the drums, with Courtney and Julie, Dan's sister, watching as Mario shows us why he should never replace the lead singer for Paramore.

On the other end of the living room, we have Patrick laying down some sinister licks with...
Okay, what the fuck is going on?  How did this son of a bitch get back here?  Why's he suddenly being so chummy with everybody?  And what the fuck happened to his hands?

Look at this.  First, he tries to destroy humanity for his dark masters, now he's schmoozing with people.  Did they feel he was being left out because I killed him?  What?

Actually, that's our friend, Blake, who made his own Ilithid mask for this costume.  Jen wondered where he got the small bones for decorating his belt.  She finally decided that he just went to a day care for them.  (They're actually chicken bones, so no children were harmed).

That pretty much wraps up the party last night.  With that, I must seal the doors of the Crypt until next year.  I hope you guys enjoyed my trip through all the things I enjoy about Halloween.  It's a good thing I have a whole year before I do it again, because I posted about so much content that I'll need to come up with a bunch of new stuff for next Halloween.

For now, though, I'm going to partake in one last Halloween tradition: Eating shitloads of candy!

Kaiser out