Thursday, April 22, 2010


These new Old Spice commercials are just fucking nuts.

You can't handle this much B. O. blocking power.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Through The Panther's Eyes - The Hunt Begins

My journey began on the uncharted  island where Moga Village rested  There, the locals heartily welcomed me, unaware of my true greatness.  I kept my identity a secret, only going by my alter ego: Pantera.  I didn't want any special treatment and I am not using any of my superior demigod powers.  Only sinew and steel are my weapons.  Out here, the Kaiser doesn't exist.  I am reinventing myself.

My beginnings are modest.  I don't have the kick-ass weapons and armor that I borrowed when Ironbeard took me monster hunting before.  With a simple sword and shield and some leather armor I bought on the island, I heeded my first call of the wild.

The village chief asked me to hunt some of the local herbivores for steaks while I looked for his son, who was surveying the damage of the hunter base camp after an earthquake shook the island.  I came across a small herd of the beasts enjoying the waters of a nearby stream.  They seemed so gentle, so placid.  Slaying one would be easy, but I must be respectful to them and their kind.  They are a part of nature.  They mean no harm to anyone do not lust for the kill, like some of the beasts on this island.  There was a baby in the herd, so I didn't want to kill all the adults and leave it to die.  One adult would suffice.  I strode quickly up to one of them before it could notice me and let my sword bite deep into its flesh.  The tearing of muscle, the cries of anguish, the blood; these things are as natural to a hunter as the feel of air under wing is to a bird.  The remainder of the herd ran to safety while I said a silent blessing to the dead (a true hunter always pays his respects to the fallen).  I tore the meat from bone, taking as much as I could, and wrapped it safely in my pack.  The kill was done.  I ran to the base camp to meet the elder's son, who had some bad news for me.

The base camp had taken severe damage and would need to be repaired.  The village could provide the labor, but needed resources to build with.  Wood was relatively easy to come by, but they needed skins, bone, and tendons to fasten and seal their buildings.  The job of securing such things fell to me.  The chief's son told me that the fierce Jaggi had the best skins for the job, so I made my way to their typical hunting grounds.  The son warned me of the danger of hunting them, but I had dealt with them before.  I may have walked away with a few scratches, but they were no real trouble.  As I hunted them down, I noticed that the village had managed to clear out some of the rockfall that blocked the roads when the earthquake hit.  I took a look at my surroundings.  The night sky shone brilliantly; streaks of meteors cut through the black.  Under the cover of darkness, I made quick work of my grisly trade.  Blood, mine and my prey's, stained the grass.  I took from them what I needed and quietly left.

As the moon lit my path back to the village, I contemplated my new surroundings.  I was surrounded by the mountains that crowned this isle.  The late night breeze carried the sea to my nostrils.  For a while, I would call this place my second home, where Kaiser lies dormant, and a new creature, a fierce panther, stalked the island.

(If you want to know more about my impressions of Monster Hunter Tri, check out my "review" on Infinite Worlds.)

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Kaiser's Metal Moment - Arjen Anthony Lucassen

It's time for another Metal Moment, motherfuckers.

It seems that one of my last Metal Moments, Beauty and the Beast, is extremely popular with people who don't look at the rest of my blog.  Of course, it's not because they want an in depth look at the subgenre or a taste of the musical quality of these women of metal.  Hell no.  Almost all of them have been led here by one source: Google image search.  They just want to look at all the hot metal women for a faptastic good time.

Why do you bastards make me regret putting hot chicks on my site?  I like sexy women just as much as the next guy, but it's a pain in the ass when a bunch of turdsuckers just come over to gawk at the sexy pictures and check out nothing else.  If I was having a party and some guy I didn't know came in, grabbed a few beers, and left, I'd tear him a fifth asshole (and if he's missing assholes two through four, I'd work those in, too).

It's a sad balancing act I have to do.  I like having hot women on this blog, but I don't want a bunch of guys just going to the site looking for something to inspire their cockmongling.  Screw that bullshit.  You know what, if you happen to be one of those people, chances are you're not even reading this, so fuck off.

Needless to say, this Metal Moment has nothing to do with hot chicks.  If that doesn't turn you away, if you're really interested in metal, then read on, my friend.

When you think of progressive metal supergroups, what name comes to mind?  If it's not the one that's featured on the title of this post, then let me tell you this: Arjen Lucassen is certainly one of the more prolific individuals when it comes to getting a bunch of great metal musicians together for a project.

If you've never heard of him, that's okay.  To be honest, I didn't know who he was until my cousin-in-law introduced me to Lucassen's most productive project, Ayreon.  Ayreon would, mostly, be considered progressive metal, though the songs range from ethereal prog rock, to heavier metal assaults, to folk and classical styled songs.  Following a classic prog rock trope, all of their studio albums are concept albums, but most of them are also rock operas that tell a story.  In reality, there's only one permanent member of Ayreon:  Lucassen, though he does use the same session drummer, Ed Warby, making him an unofficial member.  The rest of the group is filled with musicians from various metal bands, especially the vocalists.  Each character in Ayreon's rock operas is portrayed by a different singer and has included the likes of James LaBrie (of Dream Theater, who also did their own rock opera album, Metropolis Part 2: Scenes From A Memory, but LaBrie played all the characters in that one), Bruce Dickinson (Iron Maiden), Mikael Åkerfeldt (Opeth), Russell Allen (Symphony X), Tobias Sammet (Edguy, Avantasia), and the lovely ladies Sharon den Adel (Within Temptation), Simone Simons (Epica), and Floor Jansen (ex-After Forever - okay, so there's mention of hot chicks in this post, but you're not getting any pictures).

Thematically, Ayreon's albums have gone from science fiction and fantasy to more psychological concepts and the rotating selection of singers and musicians (Lucassen plays a lot of the instruments while recording, but he does have musicians from other metal bands, such as the ones mentioned above, play on the album as well) make for an eclectic mix of music, though keeping to the progressive root.

If that doesn't sound like Lucassen has his hands full with that project, he's also worked on others, such as the heavily sci-fi influenced Star One, which released one studio album, Space Metal, as well as a live album.  Unlike Ayreon, Star One was more focused on heavier progressive metal infused with space rock.  Originally, the project was conceived by Lucassen and Maiden's Dickinson, but Dickinson's agent called off negotiations when Lucassen mentioned the project online.  Lucassen took what material he had, wrote his own lyrics and set to getting a bunch of his famous collaborators together.  Again, Lucassen and Warby were on the album.  Russel Allen, Floor Jansen, Dan Swanö (ex-Edge of Sanity and another influential force in progressive metal), and Damian Wilson (Headspace) lent their voices.  This time, not so much as individual characters as Space Metal was not a rock opera.  Instead, each of the songs were inspired by different science fiction movies and TV shows, such as The Empire Strikes Back, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and Blake's 7 (which the name of the group comes from).
In his free time, when he has any, Lucassen likes to etch
his face on every moon in the galaxy with 
his laser hands.

Of course, there are other projects that Lucassen has worked on.  If you want to know more about his expansive body of work, check out his website.

Just to give you a taste of his work, here's a couple of songs from Ayreon as well as one from Star One.  As I said before, the Star One song was inspired by a sci-fi movie.  Guess which one.  If the title doesn't give it away, which it should, just listen to the lyrics.  I'll give you a hint, the movie came out in 1994 and spawned a series of TV spin-offs that seems to have a greater following than the original movie.

Until next time, lay off the Google image search.

Kaiser out

Friday, April 9, 2010

Check Out The New Logo!

Okay, so I've been Ablogcalypse-ing for just over a year now.  After all this time, I never created a logo for the site.  I've wanted to for a while, now, but just never got to it.  While I do like the little blurb under the title, A) it doesn't really apply to me that much anymore (some of it is more the territory of Infinite Worlds) and B) it's really boring to look at.

Well, I finally decided to delve into the world of image editing and see what I could create.  As you can see above, this is some artist's rendition of the Immortal Queen and I enjoying a nice, relaxing vacation in the newly reformed Pangaea (coming to Earth within the next decade).

I plan on doing a complete overhaul of the blog, but I'm waiting for Blogger to finish implementing the changes they started recently before I get my hands dirty.  In the meantime, let me know what you think of the new title picture.  I'm keeping the actual logo (it's just too fucking awesome), but, from time to time, I might pair it with different, but equally awesome, images to keep things fresh.

Speaking of Pangaea, I should probably get back to work on that secret project I was working on a while back.  My new world isn't going to build itself.

Kaiser out

Thursday, April 8, 2010

The Barbarian Invasion Will Be Televised!

Originally, I was going to do a follow-up on my Barbarian Video Game special, as I found some video game commercials that featured barbarians.  The more I looked, the more commercials I found, not just for video games, but for other products, as well.

But let's start with the video games.  One of the games I forgot to mention in the video game special was the old-school NES RPG Swords & Serpents (not to be confused with the Intellivision game of the same name).
Check out that sweet Valejo artwork.

This was an RPG similar to games like Wizardry, which meant it was extremely challenging.  Still, it's not a bad game.  Though the box art and the commercial (as you will soon see) feature barbarian heroes, you don't actually see your characters, ever.  Nonetheless, I remember renting this game and pretending to have a party of barbaric heroes.  My sorceress was the hot chick (what is it about sexy women wielding forbidden magic that appeals to me?).

Anyway, the commercial tries to capture the feel of muscle-bound warriors cutting a path through an evil dungeon.

Another game that tried to have a more barbarian look was the Wizards & Warriors series (which was also published by Acclaim - I'm beginning to notice a pattern, here).  Despite the fact that the artwork for the game covers featured a barbarian, the hero of the game, Kuros, wore medieval full plate armor - not exactly barbaric clothing.
Bodice-ripping model and "Not Butter" spokesman Fabio graced the cover of
Ironsword: Wizards & Warriors II

Though some may like this game, it had way too much platforming for me, so I didn't give a shit.  Anyway, the commercial for Ironsword featured some kid beating the first game when Kuros barges in and tells the kid he still has to play the sequel or the world is doomed.  You know, I wish, when I was a kid, a barbarian stormed into my room, yelled, "Don't listen to your parents, keep playing those goddamn video games!" and walked out.

Some would say that's enough barbarian commercials, but The Kaiser says no.  You're going to watch barbarian commercials until your every orifice spews fire!

Going along with the video game thing, here's a GameStop commercial in which a mother is playing "Hide the Barbarian" before her son gets home.  That just sounds nasty.

Then I found some really old commercials for some live action stage shows at Universal Studios.  The first one is for the Masters of the Universe show (hey, I don't care if you think Masters of the Universe isn't barbarian enough.  It's good enough for me).  I mean, you go see He-Man and get a free toy - Fuck Yeah!

The next one features the Conan live action spectacular, which, by the way, I sent some videos to my friends at CROM!  Hopefully, they'll post them, so you can see more (Update: they did - here it is).  This commercial's actually really short, but what the hell.

Finally, we have some really fucking ridiculous ones.  The first one is a commercial for apparel advertising that Golan-Globus "classic" Sword & Sorcery movie, The Barbarians.  Needless to say, it's just plain stupid.

Next, I want you to guess what product this commercial is for.

You see, this barbarian is interrupting a sacrificial rite, the evil medusa picks his brain about hair care, and it's a commercial for a fucking candy bar?!  This could have been a commercial about anything.  They could have plugged Valvoline Oil or Always Maxi-pads.  It doesn't matter, this commercial has no relevance to anything but barbarians and, maybe, Herbal Essences.

Finally, here's a foreign commercial that has barbarians advertising the one thing that perfectly fits their demographic: beer.  Not just any beer, though.  This is for a non-alcoholic beer.  Before you cry "bullshit," just watch the video.

A non-alcoholic beer so good, not even a bloodthirsty horde can tell the difference.

And that concludes my showcase of barbarians in advertising.  I hope you've all learned something from this.

What I learned is that these commercials are way fucking better than the Geico caveman commercials.  Those cavemen are fucking retarded.  I can't even believe that someone thought that it would be a good idea to do a sitcom with them.  That's just goddamn lame.

Kaiser out

Thursday, April 1, 2010

My True Calling Revealed!

These past few days, I've been undergoing a crisis.  For countless years, I've been traveling the multiverse, dominating every parallel Earth I come across.  So far, the tally is at 15, but I feel like I've been living a lie.

You see, I only did this out of sheer frustration.  People wouldn't accept me for who I am, so I usurped power from them and made them fear me.  It was the only solace I could find.  Looking back, I realize that I've been fooling myself.  I don't want to become the god of metal or cut a path of dominion through the cosmos.  Understanding this, I did some soul searching.  If this isn't what I want, then what is my true purpose in life?

After coming to grips with myself and my insecurities, I've come to a conclusion.  Since I was born, I've been hiding this truth from myself and everyone around me.  I was so ashamed, that I couldn't let anyone know.  There was one thing I always wanted to do; one passion that I dare not indulge for fear of ridicule...

I want to be a cross-dressing ballerina.

Yes, go ahead, laugh at me all you want.  I don't care anymore.  This has always been my dream and I won't let anyone convince me that I can't do it.  I can just see myself, on the stage of Radio City Music Hall, dancing as the Sugar Plum Fairy in The Nutcracker or the Princess in Swan Lake; to be lifted high off my feet by some handsome Russian as we daintily prance around the stage.
Now that I have decided to pursue this goal, I cannot keep this heavy metal facade.  I'm going to stop blogging about metal, violence, and other such uncivilized things.  I'm going to turn my blog into a haven for all things ballet.  I want to do articles about making your own custom tutus, how to find the perfect pair of ballet shoes, and professional techniques in order to turn even the biggest lummox into a prima ballerina.

For those of you who subscribe to my blog, I invite you to enjoy the history, grace, and culture of ballet.  Those boorish people who think ballet is for sissies can just get the hell out, now.  I don't want your vulgar, barbaric presence sullying my blog.

Speaking of which, this blog needs a makeover.  I'm thinking of a floral motif with pastel tones.

I have to go, now.  I'm running late for my first class at the dance studio.

Kaiser out (I don't like that name, anymore.  I need to think of something more... delicate.  I know, La Fleur de Danse.  That would make a perfect performance pseudonym.)

Sortie La Fleur