Sunday, June 14, 2009

From the Himalayas, He Arose...

Remember how I said I was going to go to that alternate Earth that was depicted in The Day After Ragnarok RPG and take over? Yeah, that didn't work out so well. Supposedly, that world doesn't exist, yet. So, what happens to me when I break through the parallel dimensions? I hit an Improbability Sector (It's like a section of the multiverse surrounded by an impenetrable brick wall and signs that say "Please pardon the mess. We are under construction."). Of course, I hit it with my head and knocked myself out, bringing me back to this Earth at about 80 miles above the surface. Needless to say, I hit the ground pretty hard. When I came to, I found myself in this highly secluded monastery, deep within the Himalayas. The monks there found me in the snow and took me in. These guys were pretty nice. They were serene, enlightened, and they love Iron Maiden. As I stayed with the monks, they told me about this creature that dwelled in the ice caves beneath the mountain ranges. As white as the snows and as hard as iron, they said. They called him Tingba Rupo, which means "giant beast that can beat you in a sit-up contest." Intrigued, I asked where I could find this beast. They were wary of showing me the way at first, but once I bribed them with peanut butter M&Ms, they were more than eager to tell me. I travelled into the subterranean caves and found the beast they spoke of. What I saw astounded me. The thing was a tower of white fur, teeth, and claws. But the most impressive thing about him was his abs. They were like fine marble, chiseled with laser precision by Herakles himself. This monster was fucking hardcore. I invoked the universal sign of greeting (the metal horns) and, amazingly, he signaled back. I spent a good amount of time getting to know him. His name is Gghruruakh, but I call him the Abdominal Snowman, because, well, he's a yeti and he has abs of adamantium. I mean, seriously, this beast is carrying a six pack of cold ones. We talked about cool things: our favorite music, giant robots, big breasted women, big breasted giant robots, etc... Then he asked if I wanted to check out his drum set. To be honest, I couldn't believe that a yeti would know how to play drums, but this sonofabitch can fucking play. I asked him where he learned to play and he said his inspirations were Neil Peart and a partially frozen dead goat he found one time. I told him that he should come back with me and we could form a band. He said that he liked it here in his caverns. I told him about all the hot chicks he could score and we left without ever looking back. So now the Abdominal Snowman lives with me. I had to make him more presentable, though. His fur was just caked with blood and walrus fat (Don't ask me how he got walrus in the Himalayas. I don't know, either). After he got spruced up, he's become a hit with the ladies. We have band practice every day and write new songs. He lays down a fierce rhythm while I wail on my double necked six-string/bass guitar (I grow two extra arms for the occasion). Anyway, that's what I've been doing for the past few days, so... oh, wait. I think Mr. Six Pack wants to say "hi." Okay, come on over here and tell the folks at home how awesome you are. Ghrahk ormgh khoprkt huuurgh eerrkh oog mahkah. Aooroogh hiirgkh jorhurgha krek talg shrookh. Torg makh oog horkh. Titties. I've been teaching him a little English whenever I get the chance. He's only learned the one word, but it's worked out for him so far. Kaiser out

No comments:

Post a Comment