Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Kaiser Returns

Oh, man.  That was one great vacation.  The pleasuredomes are some of the best destinations for rest and relaxation.  We did so much on our vacation, I'm having a hard time remembering it all.  I was mistaken about the Mongolian Polo.  We actually played a variation of Buzkashi (which players have to drag a dead goat to the goal on horseback).  in this variation, we had to kill the "goat" before we took it to the goal.  Once a goal was scored, they brought out a new "goat."  When I say "goat," I mean ferocious, flame-breathing Chimera.  Naturally, I scored nine points.

The vacation wasn't all just playing hard, though.  I ate enough exquisite food to last me a few years.  The Mrs. and I definitely took advantage of the "group massage" package.  It took their entire staff of concubines to suitably satisfy the two of us.  I must say, my wife's an insatiable minx.

Sadly, all good things must end.  I have a lot of great memories, but it's time to get back to my daily grind.  That means the Ablogcalypse is back, so let's get this beast running again.

First order of business:  Abdominus is FUCKING GROUNDED FOR ETERNITY!

Second, while I was on vacation, I met this guy, who, I think, is going to take the world by storm.
His name's Ironbeard McCullough.  He's known as the greatest monster hunter alive.  He's also the spokesman for the Monster Hunters Guild and an awesome guy to hang with.  The two of us got to talking after that spirited round of Buzkashi (he also scored nine points) and he said I'd make a good monster hunter.  I was intrigued, so I took him up on his offer to join the hunt with him on an island not too far from the pleasuredome.

You see, monster hunting involves groups of hunters tracking down ferocious beasts, such as dinosaurs, dragons, and sea monsters, and engaging them in a brutal fight to the death.  I loved every minute of it.  Ironbeard loaned me some equipment and guided me through the process as I stalked a Great Jaggi for my first kill.
Those things are tricky bastards.  The damn thing kept calling its young to fight alongside it (so much for protecting its young).  Ironbeard gave me a hand, but let me do most of the work.  That son of a bitch kept running from me until I had it cornered by a waterfall, where I practically hand fed him his own ass.  Its dying blood stained the stream as it fell with a thunderous crash.  Ironbeard said I definitely have the potential.

Before we left the island, we carved out a few tokens from our fresh kill.  I managed to take one of its claws as a trophy:
Nice, huh?  I've got it sitting on my desk right now.

Anyway, he asked me to help spread the word on monster hunting, as the guild is doing a new initiative to bring some new blood into the sport, as some of the old blood has been "spilled" (that means they got killed during hunts).  I figured what better place to start than my own Steel Legionnaires.  So if you guys crave savage, deadly combat with giant beasts and you have the right equipment (that would be a Nintendo Wii), I encourage you to join the others, like me, and become a hunter.  If any of you guys do decide to take up the hunt, let me know.  We can group together.  It'll be great.

Also, check out my hunting license that Ironbeard gave me on the sidebar.  I picked Pantera as my hunting alias because it sounds cool (it's Spanish for panther), plus the obvious reference to the old metal band.  I tried my hand at a couple of other beasts.  Right now, I'm hunting for the elusive Rathian.  That motherfucker won't know what hit him.

(For more info on Monster Hunter Tri, check out the post on my other blog, or go to the Monster Hunter Tri website.  Hope to see you in the hunt.)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to clean up the mess Abdominus left.  I found my neighbors, starved to death, in my basement, being devoured by their cat.  That was a little disturbing.  The cat gave me this bloodthirsty hiss, so I burned that foul thing from the inside.  I always knew cats were evil.

Kaiser out

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