Okay, so I've been Ablogcalypse-ing for just over a year now. After all this time, I never created a logo for the site. I've wanted to for a while, now, but just never got to it. While I do like the little blurb under the title, A) it doesn't really apply to me that much anymore (some of it is more the territory of Infinite Worlds) and B) it's really boring to look at.
Well, I finally decided to delve into the world of image editing and see what I could create. As you can see above, this is some artist's rendition of the Immortal Queen and I enjoying a nice, relaxing vacation in the newly reformed Pangaea (coming to Earth within the next decade).
I plan on doing a complete overhaul of the blog, but I'm waiting for Blogger to finish implementing the changes they started recently before I get my hands dirty. In the meantime, let me know what you think of the new title picture. I'm keeping the actual logo (it's just too fucking awesome), but, from time to time, I might pair it with different, but equally awesome, images to keep things fresh.
Speaking of Pangaea, I should probably get back to work on that secret project I was working on a while back. My new world isn't going to build itself.
Kaiser out
Friday, April 9, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
The Barbarian Invasion Will Be Televised!
Originally, I was going to do a follow-up on my Barbarian Video Game special, as I found some video game commercials that featured barbarians. The more I looked, the more commercials I found, not just for video games, but for other products, as well.
But let's start with the video games. One of the games I forgot to mention in the video game special was the old-school NES RPG Swords & Serpents (not to be confused with the Intellivision game of the same name).
Another game that tried to have a more barbarian look was the Wizards & Warriors series (which was also published by Acclaim - I'm beginning to notice a pattern, here). Despite the fact that the artwork for the game covers featured a barbarian, the hero of the game, Kuros, wore medieval full plate armor - not exactly barbaric clothing.
Some would say that's enough barbarian commercials, but The Kaiser says no. You're going to watch barbarian commercials until your every orifice spews fire!
Going along with the video game thing, here's a GameStop commercial in which a mother is playing "Hide the Barbarian" before her son gets home. That just sounds nasty.
Then I found some really old commercials for some live action stage shows at Universal Studios. The first one is for the Masters of the Universe show (hey, I don't care if you think Masters of the Universe isn't barbarian enough. It's good enough for me). I mean, you go see He-Man and get a free toy - Fuck Yeah!
The next one features the Conan live action spectacular, which, by the way, I sent some videos to my friends at CROM! Hopefully, they'll post them, so you can see more (Update: they did - here it is). This commercial's actually really short, but what the hell.
Finally, we have some really fucking ridiculous ones. The first one is a commercial for apparel advertising that Golan-Globus "classic" Sword & Sorcery movie, The Barbarians. Needless to say, it's just plain stupid.
Next, I want you to guess what product this commercial is for.
You see, this barbarian is interrupting a sacrificial rite, the evil medusa picks his brain about hair care, and it's a commercial for a fucking candy bar?! This could have been a commercial about anything. They could have plugged Valvoline Oil or Always Maxi-pads. It doesn't matter, this commercial has no relevance to anything but barbarians and, maybe, Herbal Essences.
Finally, here's a foreign commercial that has barbarians advertising the one thing that perfectly fits their demographic: beer. Not just any beer, though. This is for a non-alcoholic beer. Before you cry "bullshit," just watch the video.
A non-alcoholic beer so good, not even a bloodthirsty horde can tell the difference.
And that concludes my showcase of barbarians in advertising. I hope you've all learned something from this.
What I learned is that these commercials are way fucking better than the Geico caveman commercials. Those cavemen are fucking retarded. I can't even believe that someone thought that it would be a good idea to do a sitcom with them. That's just goddamn lame.
Kaiser out
But let's start with the video games. One of the games I forgot to mention in the video game special was the old-school NES RPG Swords & Serpents (not to be confused with the Intellivision game of the same name).
Check out that sweet Valejo artwork.
This was an RPG similar to games like Wizardry, which meant it was extremely challenging. Still, it's not a bad game. Though the box art and the commercial (as you will soon see) feature barbarian heroes, you don't actually see your characters, ever. Nonetheless, I remember renting this game and pretending to have a party of barbaric heroes. My sorceress was the hot chick (what is it about sexy women wielding forbidden magic that appeals to me?).
Anyway, the commercial tries to capture the feel of muscle-bound warriors cutting a path through an evil dungeon.
Another game that tried to have a more barbarian look was the Wizards & Warriors series (which was also published by Acclaim - I'm beginning to notice a pattern, here). Despite the fact that the artwork for the game covers featured a barbarian, the hero of the game, Kuros, wore medieval full plate armor - not exactly barbaric clothing.
Bodice-ripping model and "Not Butter" spokesman Fabio graced the cover of
Ironsword: Wizards & Warriors II
Though some may like this game, it had way too much platforming for me, so I didn't give a shit. Anyway, the commercial for Ironsword featured some kid beating the first game when Kuros barges in and tells the kid he still has to play the sequel or the world is doomed. You know, I wish, when I was a kid, a barbarian stormed into my room, yelled, "Don't listen to your parents, keep playing those goddamn video games!" and walked out.
Some would say that's enough barbarian commercials, but The Kaiser says no. You're going to watch barbarian commercials until your every orifice spews fire!
Going along with the video game thing, here's a GameStop commercial in which a mother is playing "Hide the Barbarian" before her son gets home. That just sounds nasty.
Then I found some really old commercials for some live action stage shows at Universal Studios. The first one is for the Masters of the Universe show (hey, I don't care if you think Masters of the Universe isn't barbarian enough. It's good enough for me). I mean, you go see He-Man and get a free toy - Fuck Yeah!
The next one features the Conan live action spectacular, which, by the way, I sent some videos to my friends at CROM! Hopefully, they'll post them, so you can see more (Update: they did - here it is). This commercial's actually really short, but what the hell.
Finally, we have some really fucking ridiculous ones. The first one is a commercial for apparel advertising that Golan-Globus "classic" Sword & Sorcery movie, The Barbarians. Needless to say, it's just plain stupid.
Next, I want you to guess what product this commercial is for.
You see, this barbarian is interrupting a sacrificial rite, the evil medusa picks his brain about hair care, and it's a commercial for a fucking candy bar?! This could have been a commercial about anything. They could have plugged Valvoline Oil or Always Maxi-pads. It doesn't matter, this commercial has no relevance to anything but barbarians and, maybe, Herbal Essences.
Finally, here's a foreign commercial that has barbarians advertising the one thing that perfectly fits their demographic: beer. Not just any beer, though. This is for a non-alcoholic beer. Before you cry "bullshit," just watch the video.
A non-alcoholic beer so good, not even a bloodthirsty horde can tell the difference.
And that concludes my showcase of barbarians in advertising. I hope you've all learned something from this.
What I learned is that these commercials are way fucking better than the Geico caveman commercials. Those cavemen are fucking retarded. I can't even believe that someone thought that it would be a good idea to do a sitcom with them. That's just goddamn lame.
Kaiser out
Thursday, April 1, 2010
My True Calling Revealed!
These past few days, I've been undergoing a crisis. For countless years, I've been traveling the multiverse, dominating every parallel Earth I come across. So far, the tally is at 15, but I feel like I've been living a lie.
You see, I only did this out of sheer frustration. People wouldn't accept me for who I am, so I usurped power from them and made them fear me. It was the only solace I could find. Looking back, I realize that I've been fooling myself. I don't want to become the god of metal or cut a path of dominion through the cosmos. Understanding this, I did some soul searching. If this isn't what I want, then what is my true purpose in life?
After coming to grips with myself and my insecurities, I've come to a conclusion. Since I was born, I've been hiding this truth from myself and everyone around me. I was so ashamed, that I couldn't let anyone know. There was one thing I always wanted to do; one passion that I dare not indulge for fear of ridicule...
I want to be a cross-dressing ballerina.
Yes, go ahead, laugh at me all you want. I don't care anymore. This has always been my dream and I won't let anyone convince me that I can't do it. I can just see myself, on the stage of Radio City Music Hall, dancing as the Sugar Plum Fairy in The Nutcracker or the Princess in Swan Lake; to be lifted high off my feet by some handsome Russian as we daintily prance around the stage.
Now that I have decided to pursue this goal, I cannot keep this heavy metal facade. I'm going to stop blogging about metal, violence, and other such uncivilized things. I'm going to turn my blog into a haven for all things ballet. I want to do articles about making your own custom tutus, how to find the perfect pair of ballet shoes, and professional techniques in order to turn even the biggest lummox into a prima ballerina.
For those of you who subscribe to my blog, I invite you to enjoy the history, grace, and culture of ballet. Those boorish people who think ballet is for sissies can just get the hell out, now. I don't want your vulgar, barbaric presence sullying my blog.
Speaking of which, this blog needs a makeover. I'm thinking of a floral motif with pastel tones.
I have to go, now. I'm running late for my first class at the dance studio.
Kaiser out (I don't like that name, anymore. I need to think of something more... delicate. I know, La Fleur de Danse. That would make a perfect performance pseudonym.)
Sortie La Fleur
You see, I only did this out of sheer frustration. People wouldn't accept me for who I am, so I usurped power from them and made them fear me. It was the only solace I could find. Looking back, I realize that I've been fooling myself. I don't want to become the god of metal or cut a path of dominion through the cosmos. Understanding this, I did some soul searching. If this isn't what I want, then what is my true purpose in life?
After coming to grips with myself and my insecurities, I've come to a conclusion. Since I was born, I've been hiding this truth from myself and everyone around me. I was so ashamed, that I couldn't let anyone know. There was one thing I always wanted to do; one passion that I dare not indulge for fear of ridicule...
I want to be a cross-dressing ballerina.
Yes, go ahead, laugh at me all you want. I don't care anymore. This has always been my dream and I won't let anyone convince me that I can't do it. I can just see myself, on the stage of Radio City Music Hall, dancing as the Sugar Plum Fairy in The Nutcracker or the Princess in Swan Lake; to be lifted high off my feet by some handsome Russian as we daintily prance around the stage.
For those of you who subscribe to my blog, I invite you to enjoy the history, grace, and culture of ballet. Those boorish people who think ballet is for sissies can just get the hell out, now. I don't want your vulgar, barbaric presence sullying my blog.
Speaking of which, this blog needs a makeover. I'm thinking of a floral motif with pastel tones.
I have to go, now. I'm running late for my first class at the dance studio.
Kaiser out (I don't like that name, anymore. I need to think of something more... delicate. I know, La Fleur de Danse. That would make a perfect performance pseudonym.)
Sortie La Fleur
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