Thursday, December 17, 2009

Savage Wiimote Prosthetic Apocalypse

Right now, I would imagine a lot of Wii owners feel like they got the short end of the stick. I've read articles on the major video game websites (Destructoid, IGN) that have been showing some disappointment and disenchantment with what companies have been creating with Nintendo's recent technology.

I will have to admit that there are a lot of Wii games that are nothing more than piles of shit, whether it be some lazy shovelware, a lame ass PS2 port, or some dumbed-down kids title that most kids wouldn't even play. Despite this, there really are some gems for the Wii out there. Some of these gems have even slipped under the radar (I could probably do a few "Games you should know about..." segments on some of these titles; maybe I will). The Wii does have some strong titles, such as MadWorld, House of the Dead: Overkill, and the new Silent Hill: Shattered Memories (not to mention the fact that all three of these titles are rated M).

Here's the thing: every system is going to have some terrible games.  Let's not forget the titanic disaster that was Lair for the PS3. And have you seen the independent games you can download through XBOX Live?  I wouldn't even wipe my ass with most of them!  All you have to do is just buy the good games.  Yes, there are good games out for the Wii and, no, you can't count them on one hand.  With the Wii Motion Plus, Nintendo's even fixing the limited responsiveness the Wiimote has.

But that's not what I wanted to talk about, anyway.  There's something for the Wii that's far worse than those crappy shovelware games.  I'm talking about those shitty attachments for the Wiimote that every cheap-ass toy company decided to make.  Obviously, it's not enough to pretend that your Wiimote is a bat, so someone made an attachment that makes your Wiimote look like a bat with a serious growth problem.  Now kids don't have to do anything dangerous, like use their imaginations, when they play.  Crisis averted!

I actually went to a dollar store last night and saw a varied assortment of these attachments.  Some of these attachments are just so damn pathetic.  I couldn't resist taking a few pictures to show you what kind of crap they came up with.  Just so you know, I took these with my camera phone, so the quality's not so great.  You'll definitely need to click on the thumbnails to get a better look.

Parents, have you ever found your kids playing table tennis on Wii Play and said to yourself, "I just bought a perfectly good table tennis set and the kids don't even play with it."  Well tell those kids to turn off the game and fire up the table, because you just got them the new Wii Table Tennis Attachment Set.

That's right.  What better way to have them play everyone's favorite party game than to slap a real paddle to the top of their Wiimotes?  And if the kids complain that they'd rather play with the Wii, tell them they're using their Wiimotes to play this game, so, actually, they are playing with the Wii.  Now shut up, kids, or we'll flush your gerbil down the toilet.  And remember, the only thing better than using the Wii Table Tennis Attachment Set is using an actual set of real table tennis paddles, so what's the fucking point?!

Next up is the jet ski handlebar attachment.  This thing uses both the Wiimote and the nunchuck as handles to steer your way through the waves and onto victory.  Because jet skiing on the Wii is so popular, kids of all ages will love using this.  And since motorcycling games are only second to jet skiing games in terms of popularity, this can also double as motorcycle handles.

There's only one problem.  I'm sure that most of these jet ski and motorcycle games actually require you hold the Wiimote between your hands and steer, just like in Mario Kart Wii.  When held properly, the fulcrum should be in the center of the Wiimote.  With this attachment, the Wiimote is used as one of the handles, making the fulcrum of steering six inches away from where it needs to be.  Does this sound problematic to anyone else but me?  Wouldn't it make more sense to have a place for the Wiimote in the center of the thing?  Using this is just going to make you feel like you're riding a shitty bike with terrible steering.  Who thought this was a good idea?

Of course, you have the golf club and the tennis racket attachments.  Those things have been around ever since the Wii came out.  They're small, crappy, unrealistic, and pointless.  You've seen these things cluttering up the shelves of your local GameStop for years.  I wonder, though, how many of you have seen one of these on the store shelves.

Just like the package says, it's a frying pan attachment.  No shit.  Does anyone really need an attachment like this?  I can understand if this were a real pan and was marketed to husbands who have wives that are too busy playing the Wii to make them dinner, but making a frying pan so you can play the Cooking Mama games is just retarded.

Look, there's even a cooking utensil attachment for the Wiimote.  I don't know how stupid you have to be to want something so ridiculous.  You can even fold down the utensils you're not using.  So, in essence, this is actually a swiss army knife attachment.  That doesn't help its case, though.  It still sucks.

You may have noticed that some of these attachments have a sticker on them that says, "Compatible with Motion Plus."  Um... yeah.  I don't see how a cheap piece of plastic that I've so dorkily attached to my Wiimote will interfere with the complex control of the Wii Motion Plus, but I feel so much better now that you told me.

I've saved the worst for last.  So intrigued I was by this phenomenon of ridiculously dressing up your Wiimote, that I decided to find out what else they made for the quirky little controller.  I want you guys to take a wild guess as to what this attachment is for.

If you said sex toys, not only are you right, you're also highly perverted.  I wish I was kidding about this.  As a gag, I tried to look up "wiimote dildos" on Google, hoping to find someone's hilarious mock-up of the Wiimote with a fake penis slapped onto it.  I have to admit, finding info on this product (and it is a real product) was way too easy.  I expected I would have to do some serious digging.  Nope.  I immediately got numerous articles about this very same product.

It's called the Wii-wee (okay, I made that up, but I couldn't resist).  This was actually created in Germany.  While it doesn't have any use for any Wii games, there is a computer program that allows you to control the vibrations of it.  You can even go onto Skype and mess with someone else's Dildomote, making for extremely disturbing virtual sexcapades.  You can go to their website and see a video where they are made fresh daily.

What does this mean?  Well, you can forget about the Grand Theft Auto games, the Manhunt games, even that "No Russian" level in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.  The most shocking video game experience for a kid is when they come home to catch their mom on the couch, fucking the Wii.  Therapy bills will be through the roof.

Fortunately, there are a few good Wiimote attachments out there.  Of course, there are the guitar controllers for Guitar Hero and Rock Band that allow you to pop the Wiimote in without having to go through the hassle of switching back to a regular controller after you're done or want to switch instruments.  My favorite, though, is the Nerf gun.  Not only is it better than Nintendo's own contribution to crappy Wiimote attachments, the Wii Zapper, you can also use it as a real Nerf gun.  Now that is awesome.  Don't bother getting the stupid game that comes packaged with it, just get the gun sold separately.

Now I'm off to see if I can find a Wiimote attachment for a plasma battle axe; that is to say that I am going to find me a plasma battle axe.

Kaiser out

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