Tuesday, December 22, 2009

A Kaiser for the Season

Around this time of year, everyone celebrates some form of Chanuchristmakwanzaakkah.  Whether you light reindeer for seven nights, hang the menorah on the front door, or wait for Santa Claus to come, dressed in his finest dashiki and riding on his magic dreidel, you celebrate some holiday or another.

Well I have my own holiday for this season, too.  I call it Kaisernacht.  Basically, families get together and offer me food, gifts, and sexy women (okay, maybe not the sexy women, but I'm trying to start a new tradition here).  In return for their kindness, I give my loved ones gifts to let them know that they should do the same thing for me next year.  We'll be celebrating our 30th annual Kaisernacht and it is sure to be a big hit.  Of course, my friends and family still say they're "celebrating Christmas," just so they don't weird out the neighbors, but I know a Kaisernacht party when I see one.

Unfortunately, there are no Kaisernacht songs, so they usually just play Christmas carols or classic rock - one of the two.  To be honest, I'm really fucking sick of these damn Christmas songs.  If I have to hear that one song by Wham one more time, people will be slain and the first in line will be George Michael.

So, to make up for these shitty songs, I searched for some of the most metal Christmas songs I could find.  It really wasn't all that hard.  I picked one sung by none other than...

Whatever you celebrate, may it be fucking awesome, and a joyous Kaisernacht to you all (make sure to get me some really cool shit).

Kaiser out

P.S. - Kaisernacht is actually an event celebrated in the Croatian town of Opatija.  In July, they dress up in old, courtly dress to commemorate the Austro-Hungarian monarchs who came to the town as a royal resort.  My Kaisernacht is in no way affiliated with theirs, but if the Croatians want to give me some presents, I will not object.

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