Friday, October 23, 2009

Blood Feast at Kaiser Crowbar's Crypt of Doom

One of the most iconic and popular type of monsters are, of course, vampires.  For the past couple of years, there's been a huge resurgence in vampire fiction, both in books and in movies.  Of course, this is soured by the fact that most of the stuff released out there is all about stupid women who can't help but fall in love with that brooding, frock coat wearing, undead metrosexual.  Somehow, vampires have become sex symbols.  Wait, let me rephrase that - MALE vampires have become sex symbols.  There's always been a seductive allure to female vampires.  That's because female vampires use their sex appeal to lead horny men to their doom.  They are the black widows of horror.  You know she's hot, but she'll fucking kill you.

On the flipside, most male vampires are used as sex objects.  They're not the elusive predators of yore.  For some reason, it seems really popular for a vampire to have a relationship with a girl, instead of killing them and making them part of their harem of undead brides.  What the fuck?  I don't care how many people read the Anita Blake, Twilight, or those Sookie Suckhouse books.  If you're fucking the monster, then it's not horror.

What happened to the vampire movies I used to love?  I remember watching films like The Lost Boys and Fright Night.  Even Once Bitten starring a young Jim Carrey was more enjoyable than the crap I see nowadays.  I have actually watched the Twilight movie and regretted every minute.  Thankfully I didn't pay to see it, or I'd have to bathe with lava to burn off the shame.  Vampire movies were better even ten years ago (well, somewhat).  The best one I can remember was From Dusk 'Til Dawn, but a lot of them, namely Blade, were just mediocre.

The reason why vampire movies started becoming crappy can be defined as "Vampire: The Masquerade Syndrome."  The RPG, along with Anne Rice's books, kind of popularized the "jaded rich boy" type of vampire - the ones with a mansion, a summer home, a crypt in Barcelona, and a Bentley with the windows tinted so dark you have to stick your head out to see where you're going.  I'm sick of these new vampire stereotypes.  In my opinion, a vampire should be one of two things:  An omnipotent, bloodthirsty god who turns his followers into a frenzied blood cult to cater to his sadistic whims, or a savage, animalistic beast of prey who feeds on humans like a wolf to cattle.

Oddly enough, there was one movie that did portray the latter.  While 30 Days of Night, based on the comic series of the same name, was way too long and got kind of boring, I did appreciate the concept of the movie (a pack of vampires go to Alaska to take advantage of an entire month without sunlight) as well as the sheer brutality of the vampires as they toy with their human prey before ruthlessly devouring them.

Vampire movies have gone down the crapper, my friends, but the good vampire movies from yesteryear can still be found at your local movie store.  So when your girlfriend tries to wrangle you into going to see the new Twilight movie, tell her to sit her ass down on the couch and pop in Salem's Lot.  You'll be better off that way.

Kaiser out

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