Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Sucktoberfest #4 - Trunk-or-Treat

Why do some modern day Christians feel the need to ruin things for everyone else?  They take things that are, usually, pretty cool and corrupt them into useless tripe, such as Christian rock or monotheism.  It's not enough that Jesus already has two holidays (pretty big ones, I might add); they have to fuck with Halloween, too, because it's "evil," or some bullshit like that.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, then allow me to direct your attention to number four on the list of our Halloween craptacular.  It's a recent phenomenon people call "Trunk-or-Treat" because they think they're being cute (Halloween is not cute, assholes!).  The origins of this crapfest are shrouded in mystery, but it is believed to have started in rural areas, where houses could be miles apart from each other.  The community would gather in a common area, such as a church or the parking lot of a dilapidated Kroger, and line up their vehicles.  The kids would then go down the line, from car to pickup truck to shoddy RV, and get candy from the trunk, truck bed, or septic tank of these vehicles.  I would imagine someone got this bright idea when the guy who normally gave the kids hay rides from house to house died from old age and boredom.

In the country, Trunk-or-Treat was harmless enough, but then the abomination spread out to infect the home of the largest collection of douchebags in the world: Suburbia.  That's when all Hell broke loose.  For some reason, churches latched onto the idea and decided to have soccer moms and their castrated husbands decorate their minivans with paraphernalia from popular kids shows and (shudder) Halloween lights and give out candy to children.  Somehow, this is supposed to subvert them into refraining from their "blasphemous" Halloween activities.  They might as well put a message on their little light-up marquee boards outside the church that says, "Visit us, have some candy, STOP WORSHIPPING SATAN!" (It wouldn't surprise me if they did).  Some people also feel that Trunk-or-Treat is a lot safer because their kids don't have to wander around neighborhoods, coming into contact with less savory neighbors ("Mom, check out this sweet battle axe that Kaiser game me for Halloween!  Can I use it on my sister?").

Look, I don't care how dangerous it is out there or if you think your kids are going to Hell.  You're ruining a time honored tradition.  If you didn't teach your kids how to massacre any crack addict or child molester they come across with their own bare hands, that's your own damn fault.  When my future son, Barabas Judas Priest, is born, he will go Trick-or-Treating the old fashioned way - the Viking way!  He'll go door to door, threatening to maim each family unless they give him all their candy, any video games he doesn't already own, and any attractive wives/daughters they may have (All this by the time he's four).  Then, he'll burn their houses with them trapped inside.  Obviously, this means we'll have to move every year, but if you want to make an omelet, you have to abort some baby chickens.

You know, I just thought of something: They say Trunk-or-Treat is safeguarding kids from dangerous, and satanic activities, but it seems that it's condoning something a bit more questionable.  I mean, these people are taking their kids to a parking lot to have them get candy from some stranger's vehicle...

Seriously, these idiots are conditioning their kids to go up to people in their cars and take candy from them.  The only trade-off is that, instead of being raped, murdered, and hastily buried somewhere in Arizona, they get a pamphlet about how Dungeons & Dragons and Quiet Riot are tools of the Devil, which is merely a slight improvement.

As far as I'm concerned, unless there's a van with a scene of a barbarian fighting an undead wizard airbrushed on the side and the "Candy" contained within is large breasted and really fucking hot, this Trunk-or-Treat crap can kiss my ass!

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