My Response to the Hateful Fuckfaces (This Won't Be Pretty)!

Okay, a lot of people have paid tribute to Ronnie James Dio.  There's a pretty good list of musicians who commemorated his passing.  The website of the local rock station here, KSHE 95, posted an article summarizing the comments made on various websites.  Even Ozzy, who never seemed to get along with Dio, posted something (though I'm not entirely sure how sincere the sentiment is).  Check out the article here.

Other musicians have paid tribute than were mentioned on the article.  Mike Portnoy and Jordan Rudess of Dream Theater mourned his passing on Twitter, as I'm sure the rest of the band did, too.  At SeattleWeekly.com, Duff McKagan, formerly of Guns 'n' Roses and presently in Velvet Revolver and Jane's Addiction, and Nirvana's Krist Novoselic paid tribute.  Even Marc Storace of Krokus reminisced about meeting Dio every time he came to Switzerland.  The list of tributes goes on for miles.  Most touching is the one done by Vinny Appice, a drummer that played in both Dio and Sabbath/Heaven and Hell for many years.  Vinny recalled Dio taking him under his wing and being a great inspiration.

If you have VH1 Classic, they will be doing a special tribute, featuring music videos and rare interviews, this Saturday after That Metal Show (which would put it at 11:30 eastern time).

On top of that, the Angry Video Game Nerd expressed his sorrow of Dio's passing on his website.

But that's not what I really want to talk about.  I want to talk about the other people.  You know, the ones who are too fucking stupid to live, yet they still manage, somehow.  I'm referring to those rancid assholes who either, A) think Dio is for dorks who are too busy playing Dungeons & Dragons to get laid, or B) mistake retardation for righteousness and think that everything that isn't considered part of their homogenous, white bullshit values is evil.  Of course, these people looked at the news articles, proclaiming the ascension of a master, and said, "Woo, boy, let's have ourselves a big douchebag hoedown on his grave."

In column A, we have Spin magazine, which published a "tribute" article to Dio on their website (go ahead, read it.)  A so-called journalist named David Marchese (more like David Dickcheese) thought it would be appropriate to basically pretend to laud Dio's legacy, when, in reality, he resorted to mocking him.  I, of course, felt it was my duty to give these people and their propaganda shit mag a piece of my mind.  What follows is my comment, which I submitted, anonymously, on the article:

David, you are an insult, not only to fans of metal music, but to journalism as a whole. If this is your idea of a joke, then none of Dio's real fans, a community you seem to be estranged from, are laughing. Ronnie James Dio was a fantastic gentleman. He was kind, honest, and down to earth. He connected with his fans, not because he was, as you might try to characterize, some loser who couldn't get laid. He loved them and they love him.

This is not even to speak of his undeniably astounding voice and his talent for penning inspiring, imaginative songs, which didn't stop at "Holy Diver". Many of his later albums beautifully captured the soul of metal music. Legions of metal fans still get chills listening to his soaring vocals and uplifting lyrics. For some reason, all you can seem to say, between your mocking remarks, is that he, vaguely, "kicks ass." Your tribute is nothing short of profanity.

Oh, and just because you throw in some high brow language (there are far better synonyms for "really loud" than Stentorian) that you got from your English 201 class, that doesn't make you a writer of quality. Any person with half a brain can go to Thesaurus.com, it doesn't mean they deserve a job writing for a magazine.

By the way, did you seriously refer to Mick Jagger as "good looking?" Not only are you a hack journalist, you're goddamn blind, too.

Next time, SPIN, let a real Ronnie James Dio fan do the tribute.

I decided to take the high road, this time.  Sure, I could have told the pretentious douche that he will soon find himself afflicted by hemorrhoids that will sprout ravenous fire beetles, but I figure I'd let that be a pleasant surprise.

Then, there's column B.  Any fan of metal knows exactly who I'm talking about, here.  These are the people who like to say they "follow the teachings of Jesus", except for the fact that they gloat their supposed righteousness over others and falsely condemn people to damnation.  Um, I may not be a Christian, but isn't there a quote in the Bible pertaining to this?  Oh, let me think, around John 8:7 - "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."  Oh, wait, I guess you don't think that applies to you guys, because you're way too righteous to be considered impure.

Fucking retards.

Let me get one thing straight, before I continue.  While I am not a Christian, I do ascribe that every living being is free to find their own spirituality, regardless of what that creed is.  You into Jesus?  I'm down with that.  Buddha more your speed?  That's cool.  Going skyclad in the woods tickles your fancy?  More power to you, just don't let me see your "fancy," if you catch my drift.  I'm not bashing Christianity, as a whole...

I'm bashing all the stupid people in Christianity.

And you should too, even if you are a Christian.  Hell, be upfront about it.  If some guy comes up to you and asks you, "Are you a Christian?"  You say, "Yes."  Then he asks, "Are you a real Christian?" or, "Are you sure you're going to Heaven?"  Tell them, "If going to Heaven means I have to be as big of an asshole as you, then forget it."

Of course, they'll launch into their favorite taunt, "You're going to Hell!  I'm going to watch and laugh, from Heaven, as Satan burns your flesh in the pits of flame."  They do this every time you don't conform to their bullshit ways.  "Metal music will devour your soul.  Dungeons & Dragons teaches you to sacrifice babies.  Only the damned eat 'deviled' eggs."

You know what I say to that?  "Good.  I hope I do go to Hell.  You want to know why?  Because I figure that Lucifer is way less powerful than your God, considering Lucifer was defeated when he tried to overthrow Heaven.  So, my chances of defeating Lucifer and taking over Hell are significantly better than usurping Heaven."

Actually, I don't even believe in that kind of afterlife, so it makes no difference where people think I'm going.

Why is this relevant?  Because that's what a few people are saying about Ronnie James Dio.  I've read comments on heavy metal websites, HEAVY... METAL... WEBSITES, where people have plastered this self-righteous fuckspeak.  "Ha, ha, Dio's going to Hell!  Burn in Hell, Dio!  He's walking, hand-in-hand, with Satan!"  Of course, other people have said similar things, except that Hell is not the torment of the eternally damned, but a place with all the cool stuff.  "Keep on rocking out in Hell!  I heard Astaroth has a bitchin' sound system!  Kick Satan's ass for me, Dio!"  It's their way of saying that, wherever Dio is, he's kicking ass and taking names.  That's okay.  But when you think that you have the authority to proclaim that someone, anyone, who just died, is going to Hell, you're a special kind of fucking evil douchebag.  When you say those things about Dio, though, you just earned your inbred ass a spot in Kaiser's "Palace of Pain."

It gets worse.  I found out that the abominable cult that calls itself the Westboro Baptist Church are going down to LA to picket... that's right, picket Dio's funeral.  What kind of disrespectful piece of shit do you have to be to condemn someone as warm, kind, and honest as Ronnie James Dio at their funeral?  If you've never heard of these guys, they are a fringe group in Topeka, KS.  Formed by Fred Phelps (mostly from his large family), they go across the US, holding up their picketing signs and, generally, being completely offensive and despicable.  They set up protests against soldiers who died in combat, saying they deserved to die for fighting for a country that tolerates gay people.  These fucktards want to kill gay people for God!  According to Phelps, God hates:

• Gay people
• Black people
• Swedish people
• Irish people
• Jews (who, by the way, were the first people to worship him)
• The United States
• US Soldiers
• Heavy Metal music
• Other Christians
• Al Gore (Even though Phelps supported Gore at an earlier point in time)
• Anyone who is reasonable
• Anyone who is cool
• Anyone who is not out of their fucking mind
• Anyone who doesn't regularly beat the shit out of their wife, children, or grandchildren, or great-grandchildren
• Anyone who doesn't have an addiction to amphetamines
• Pickles
• The number 4
• John Stamos (Have mercy!)
• Kool Aid (unfortunately)
• Anything else that doesn't suck

Then, of course, there's the list of all the people who hate the Westboro Baptist Church:

• Everyone on the planet who is not a part of the Westboro Baptist Church

Fred Phelps is a hateful God.

Now, I'm not going to tell you fans who are going to RJD's funeral to go beat the fuck out of "God's Nazis."  The reason why is because I'm pretty sure someone is going to beat the fuck out of them, and I don't want to get in trouble for encouraging it.  Granted, I am a powerful demigod who can wipe out any and all opposition, but the time is not right.  I am not ready to play my hand and bring the Earth under my control.  Therefore, I will bide my time.  However, when the inevitable Mythic Age of Metal descends upon the Earth, these people better pray to their hateful, sick, depraved god that there is a Hell.  Because Hell will feel like an exotic vacation in comparison to the unimaginable suffering I have planned for them.

YOU DO NOT PROFANE DIO, EVER!

THE KAISER HAS SPOKEN!

(Wonderfull... another reason for me to obliterate the state of Kansas.  The midwest will have a great inland sea in no time.)