Savage Orochi Apocalypse

If you read one of my first entries (the one about the origins of anime), you may recall that, in ancient Japan, before all that samurai shit went down, the gods fought each other and giant monsters for fun and profit (before they realized they weren't getting paid enough). Well, nothing captures the spirit of that epic era like the historically accurate film, Orochi: The Eight-Headed Dragon. Created by Toho (the guys who brought you Godzilla, of course), it combines hardcore swordplay between the gods with awesome magic and badass monsters. It starts out with the birth of twin sons to the emperor of a kingdom in Japan. For some reason, twins are always a bad sign, as one of them will be good, while the other will be evil. Actually, I looked into my future and saw that I will have twin sons: Jesus Alexander, who will usher in a new era of peace and prosperity, and Barabas Judas Priest, who will bring that society to it's knees with fire and blood. The two of them will have a climactic battle atop a mountain of charred bones and kill each other in the end, leaving a new Earth in their wake and bringing balance to some kind of... force - I don't know. Anyway, the emperor's wizard says that one of the sons will become evil and must be destroyed. Guess what? Turns out the "bad son" is the hero and the wizard is working on some plot to bring back an evil god to Earth. So the wizard drops the baby off of a cliff to it's supposed death, but a metal phoenix swoops down, saves the baby, and takes it to the luxurios Ise Shrine and Resort. There, the boy is hand fed by the most large breasted women they could find in Japan (finding them was not an easy task) until he is 18 (then, he has sex with them). Actually, he's just raised by a shrine priestess and two mystical guardians. When he reaches a ripe age, his father decides to forgive him for the crimes against humanity that haven't even happened yet. Our hero returns to his family just in time for the wizard to kill his mother and distrustful twin brother and then blame it all on him. Of course, the emperor cannot just up and kill his son. So he sends his son on a suicide mission to defeat the warlord of a barbarian nation. Not only does he defeat the warlord, but he meets this pretty girl and saves her from being sacrificed to some magma monster. He then begins to realize his true destiny as a warrior of the gods (kami no senshi - just like me) and must stop the coming of this evil god that the wizard is bringing about. All the while, the hero is being attacked by a sea monster, getting graphically stabbed in the neck by his mother, and having his girl turn into pixie dust to save him. After meeting with the famed god of storms, Susano-o, he claims the power he needs and brings his girl back to life. They then go to the moon to fight the dark god. First, they have an awseome sword, eye-laser fight. Then the dark god turns into Orochi, a massive eight-headed dragon that has the power to destroy Earth. After flying around on the metal phoenix and stabbing the monster in one of it's heads, our hero kicks it into overdrive and turns into a giant metal guardian and destroys Orochi, sending the dark god back into deep space. Let's just say this movie is awesome. If only there were some naked breasts in this film, it would be perfect. To whet your appetite, here's the battle with the magma creature. (Update: someone took the video off.  You'll just have to watch the movie.  I need to start recording my own videos.) Now if only Orochi was a boss monster in the Godzilla: Save the Earth video game, that would be fucking awesome. Kaiser out