Friday, July 10, 2009

Savage Voltron Monsterpocalypse!

From days of long ago... From uncharted regions of the universe... comes a TV show that can kick all your asses combined! Any self-respecting kid from the mid '80s knew that Voltron was fucking awesome. It had everything we needed in a show: giant monsters, giant robots that combine to form an even bigger robot, cheesy dialogue (with cheesy voice acting), space mice (every show should have space mice), and an epic theme song (just try to get that song out of your head). Of course, what cartoon show worth it's salt doesn't have merchandise up the wazoo. Voltron toys were notoriously expensive, but fucking worth it. And I had every toy they came out with - I had the Lion Force Voltron, the Vehicle Force Voltron, the tiny Voltron figure with the digital clock in its chest, the dress-me-up Princess Allura doll... Okay, so I didn't have any of the toys. My mom was too poor. Still, I watched that damn show religiously. On the playground, we had these swings that were kind of designed like the frame of a cockpit (at least, to my imagination) and there were handlebars in front that you had to pump to swing higher. I always made my way to the black one (because I'll be damned if anyone else was going to be Keith - I was the leader and I got the bitches). I would be smashing Robeasts and forming blazing swords all throughout recess. To top it off, the show was "created" (I say that because it's really a severely edited version of Beast King GoLion) in St. Louis, about 30 miles away from my home. Of course, Voltron didn't always fire on all cylinders. The Vehicle Force Voltron wasn't as big a hit as Lion Force was. Which I can't say I remember much of Vehicle Force, so I'll hold any criticism until I've actually seen it. Then, there was Voltron: the Third Dimension - an updated 3D version. Let's not speak of that one, though. Plus, there's that live action movie that's supposed to be coming out. The Kaiser's prognosis on this one is not so good. Live action adaptations of cartoons are usually lame (anyone who plays the Transformers card should know that I thought the first one was "okay" and the second one was crap). Years later, they did what any good cartoon show in the '80s should do; they released the series on DVD. All of the Lion Force episodes are available and they're working on releasing the Vehicle Force episodes as well as the original Beast King GoLion (if you want to see the death and blood they censored out for American television). As I write this, Voltron is actually celebrating 25 years since its beginnings. And how do they celebrate? By coming out with Voltron figures for a collectible miniatures game. There's this game called Monsterpocalypse that puts the action of Kaiju battles onto your tabletop. Well the guys who made this game decided it would be really awesome if they made a Voltron expansion for the game. Obviously, they were right. Expect to see the Voltron expansion sometime next year. I don't really play Monsterpocalypse (I can't afford it - the irony), but I can definitely see myself buying the Voltron expansion when it comes out. By the way, here's the links for Voltron and Monsterpocalypse, if you want to check out more. Speaking of Kaiju miniatures games, there is one that I do know of that I like. I tell you more about that one next time. Kaiser out P.S. - I remember this unhygenically geeky girl trying to feed me this line of bullshit that Voltron was created from a hentai show and that Princess Allura was always getting raped by Prince Lotor. She said that they got the name of the show, Voltron, from a french vibrator. Yeah, that girl was retarded. Stupid bitch.

1 comment:

  1. Ah, Voltron.

    Did you see the Speed Racer movie? I enjoyed that, because the whole movie had a cartoony feel and it didn't really take itself seriously.

    That said, Voltron should skip the live-action movie and release more shows.