Thursday, April 1, 2010

My True Calling Revealed!

These past few days, I've been undergoing a crisis.  For countless years, I've been traveling the multiverse, dominating every parallel Earth I come across.  So far, the tally is at 15, but I feel like I've been living a lie.

You see, I only did this out of sheer frustration.  People wouldn't accept me for who I am, so I usurped power from them and made them fear me.  It was the only solace I could find.  Looking back, I realize that I've been fooling myself.  I don't want to become the god of metal or cut a path of dominion through the cosmos.  Understanding this, I did some soul searching.  If this isn't what I want, then what is my true purpose in life?

After coming to grips with myself and my insecurities, I've come to a conclusion.  Since I was born, I've been hiding this truth from myself and everyone around me.  I was so ashamed, that I couldn't let anyone know.  There was one thing I always wanted to do; one passion that I dare not indulge for fear of ridicule...

I want to be a cross-dressing ballerina.

Yes, go ahead, laugh at me all you want.  I don't care anymore.  This has always been my dream and I won't let anyone convince me that I can't do it.  I can just see myself, on the stage of Radio City Music Hall, dancing as the Sugar Plum Fairy in The Nutcracker or the Princess in Swan Lake; to be lifted high off my feet by some handsome Russian as we daintily prance around the stage.
Now that I have decided to pursue this goal, I cannot keep this heavy metal facade.  I'm going to stop blogging about metal, violence, and other such uncivilized things.  I'm going to turn my blog into a haven for all things ballet.  I want to do articles about making your own custom tutus, how to find the perfect pair of ballet shoes, and professional techniques in order to turn even the biggest lummox into a prima ballerina.

For those of you who subscribe to my blog, I invite you to enjoy the history, grace, and culture of ballet.  Those boorish people who think ballet is for sissies can just get the hell out, now.  I don't want your vulgar, barbaric presence sullying my blog.

Speaking of which, this blog needs a makeover.  I'm thinking of a floral motif with pastel tones.

I have to go, now.  I'm running late for my first class at the dance studio.

Kaiser out (I don't like that name, anymore.  I need to think of something more... delicate.  I know, La Fleur de Danse.  That would make a perfect performance pseudonym.)

Sortie La Fleur


  1. April fools day aside, it's time to put an end to the facade that is Kaiser Crowbar...if your heart tells you to dance, then dance! You look some enchanting in that tutu, and really should share your assemblés, chassés, and rond de jambes with the world!

  2. @Cromsblood:

    First off, the Kaiser isn't going anywhere, neither is The Ablogcalypse.

    Second, while I have been known to tear up a mean dance floor, I'll be damned if I am doing pirouettes with some boner-sporting Baryshnikov. Those Rond de jambes do sound appetizing, though. I'm gonna ask my wife to get the recipe.

    Third... Thank you. I worked real hard on that tutu.