Thursday, April 8, 2010

The Barbarian Invasion Will Be Televised!

Originally, I was going to do a follow-up on my Barbarian Video Game special, as I found some video game commercials that featured barbarians.  The more I looked, the more commercials I found, not just for video games, but for other products, as well.

But let's start with the video games.  One of the games I forgot to mention in the video game special was the old-school NES RPG Swords & Serpents (not to be confused with the Intellivision game of the same name).
Check out that sweet Valejo artwork.

This was an RPG similar to games like Wizardry, which meant it was extremely challenging.  Still, it's not a bad game.  Though the box art and the commercial (as you will soon see) feature barbarian heroes, you don't actually see your characters, ever.  Nonetheless, I remember renting this game and pretending to have a party of barbaric heroes.  My sorceress was the hot chick (what is it about sexy women wielding forbidden magic that appeals to me?).

Anyway, the commercial tries to capture the feel of muscle-bound warriors cutting a path through an evil dungeon.

Another game that tried to have a more barbarian look was the Wizards & Warriors series (which was also published by Acclaim - I'm beginning to notice a pattern, here).  Despite the fact that the artwork for the game covers featured a barbarian, the hero of the game, Kuros, wore medieval full plate armor - not exactly barbaric clothing.
Bodice-ripping model and "Not Butter" spokesman Fabio graced the cover of
Ironsword: Wizards & Warriors II

Though some may like this game, it had way too much platforming for me, so I didn't give a shit.  Anyway, the commercial for Ironsword featured some kid beating the first game when Kuros barges in and tells the kid he still has to play the sequel or the world is doomed.  You know, I wish, when I was a kid, a barbarian stormed into my room, yelled, "Don't listen to your parents, keep playing those goddamn video games!" and walked out.

Some would say that's enough barbarian commercials, but The Kaiser says no.  You're going to watch barbarian commercials until your every orifice spews fire!

Going along with the video game thing, here's a GameStop commercial in which a mother is playing "Hide the Barbarian" before her son gets home.  That just sounds nasty.

Then I found some really old commercials for some live action stage shows at Universal Studios.  The first one is for the Masters of the Universe show (hey, I don't care if you think Masters of the Universe isn't barbarian enough.  It's good enough for me).  I mean, you go see He-Man and get a free toy - Fuck Yeah!

The next one features the Conan live action spectacular, which, by the way, I sent some videos to my friends at CROM!  Hopefully, they'll post them, so you can see more (Update: they did - here it is).  This commercial's actually really short, but what the hell.

Finally, we have some really fucking ridiculous ones.  The first one is a commercial for apparel advertising that Golan-Globus "classic" Sword & Sorcery movie, The Barbarians.  Needless to say, it's just plain stupid.

Next, I want you to guess what product this commercial is for.

You see, this barbarian is interrupting a sacrificial rite, the evil medusa picks his brain about hair care, and it's a commercial for a fucking candy bar?!  This could have been a commercial about anything.  They could have plugged Valvoline Oil or Always Maxi-pads.  It doesn't matter, this commercial has no relevance to anything but barbarians and, maybe, Herbal Essences.

Finally, here's a foreign commercial that has barbarians advertising the one thing that perfectly fits their demographic: beer.  Not just any beer, though.  This is for a non-alcoholic beer.  Before you cry "bullshit," just watch the video.

A non-alcoholic beer so good, not even a bloodthirsty horde can tell the difference.

And that concludes my showcase of barbarians in advertising.  I hope you've all learned something from this.

What I learned is that these commercials are way fucking better than the Geico caveman commercials.  Those cavemen are fucking retarded.  I can't even believe that someone thought that it would be a good idea to do a sitcom with them.  That's just goddamn lame.

Kaiser out


  1. That Mars commercial, at :33, when he attempts to throw his hair back, but it's like his neck is too thick...stellar!

  2. Do you remember a Commercial from British airways where they used Barbarian's. I looked all over youtube and so on but can't find it.