Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Enter the Shrine of the Battlemasters

Yeah, it's been a long time since I put anything of substance on this blog.  I cut out so much of the shit that didn't belong here that I wasn't left with enough stuff to write about on a regular basis.  So I went on hiatus... big deal!

During the break, one of my friends gave me inspiration.  He told me about this one guy who was such a hardcore warrior that I had no choice but to laud him and his exploits.  But why stop there?  Why not find some of the greatest warriors in history who made this wretched planet a bit more bloodier and bestow them a place of honor in my pantheon?  So, I erected, what I like to call, the Shrine of the Battlemasters; a repository of some of the greatest men who ever looked at a sword and said, "Wouldn't it be awesome if I picked this up and started kicking some ass?"

By the way, I would like to thank my friend for the idea, but the lazy bastard doesn't even read my blog, so screw him.

So this guy that my friend told me about has got to be one of the few soldiers in World War II who lived through combat like a real life action hero.  Hell, that's what he was.  He did some pretty daring shit during the war and lived to tell some awesome stories about it.  The man I'm referring to is "Mad" Jack Churchill and he made Rambo look like a pussy (at least, that's what they said at Cracked.com).  Now, it takes a real hard ass motherfucker to impress me in an era where warfare is done with such cowardly weapons such as guns, but this guy definitely deserves the term "hard ass motherfucker."  He never went into battle without his three weapons of choice:  bow and arrows, a broadsword called a claybeg (a shorter version of a claymore), and his bagpipes.  You heard me right, this guy fought machine-gun toting Nazis with a bow, sword, and bagpipe.  Fuck yes!  Now, to be honest, he did use more modern weapons, as well, but to have the stones to shoot down Nazis with a bow is just fucking insanely awesome.
This is not a terribly accurate picture of Jack, 
as he's not seen with his bow, sword, or bagpipes.
Plus, his foot isn't firmly planted in someone's ass.

And that's just the tip of this bloodbath iceberg.  This guy has a war record that reads like a Chuck Norris film.  The man went into battle with his bagpipes blaring like some haunting battle cry.  He once, under cover of darkness, captured 42 German soldiers, using only his sword.  He escaped from two - count 'em, two concentration camps.  This guy was the poster boy for WWII commandos.

When he wasn't engaged in combat, he was seen working on movies, playing bit parts in movies such as The Thief of Bagdad and Ivanhoe, where he used his skills in archery.

For all the combat he faced, it wasn't until 1996 that he died, peacefully, of old age.  Some people may say that's not a warrior's death, but I disagree.  Sure, a lot of great warriors died in battle, fighting to the very last, but Jack Churchill was never killed in action.  Considering his wartime exploits, for which he got his nickname, dying of old age isn't a sign of weakness.  It's a sign that nobody, not a single person, could even kill him.  Jack Churchill died undefeated in battle.  If you don't think that's a hardcore warrior, you're a fucking idiot.

Now, I'm not the fucking History Channel, so if you want to know more about his combat shenanigans, check out this site, which gave me a good amount of info on the man and how batshit awesome he was.

Jack Churchill, you were one bad-ass son of a bitch.  I honor the quality of your steel with a warrior's salute.  If there is a Valhalla, I'm sure you ambushed Baldur just to get in.

P.S. - I bet if you got Jack Churchill and "Uncle Sabaton" together, they would tell some of the most epic war stories ever heard.  Sabaton seriously needs to write a song about this guy.  That would fucking kick ass.

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