Thursday, March 26, 2009
Savage Anime Apocalypse
Anime is one of those great mysteries of life. The origins of anime are lost in the mists of time, but it probably had to do with some Japanese gods fighting... oh, I don't know, giant monsters and the Japanese people said, "That's fucking awesome." So they filmed it and that's how Godzilla and all those kaiju films came about. Then, when the gods and monsters found out they were being filmed, they got all camera shy and didn't want to fight without a better contract. But the gods had a shitty lawyer, so they just went off into the heavens to consume the Holy Pretz in peace. After the disappointment from the gods, the Japanese decided to draw their own badass fights using mystical technique known only to the wisest of sorcerers as animation. Now, America had already had animation, but that's because they stole it from the gods. It wasn't as good as the real thing and the guy who stole it got punished by being chained to the Eternal Shark as it swam for eons in the Sea of Rusty Knives. Anyway, Japan's animation was the real deal. Not only was it awesome, but it accurately depicted the average life of the Japanese. Everyone used their big robots to fight the demon overlord who ruled all of Japan and all the women had huge titties. Makes you want to move to Japan right now. It was such a huge hit, that they decided to bring it to the US to show them how much better it was over there. When I saw my first anime, I kept begging my mom to let us move to Japan. She said that robots and titties were not a good reason to move anywhere. Shows what she knows. Eventually, a large schism divided anime into two genres: Shonen anime (anything with robots, breasts, lasers, breast lasers, laser breasts, missles, breast missles, and any brutal martial arts, which may involve breasts) and crappy anime. Shonen anime is, by far, the superior genre, as crappy anime involves girls trying to have romantic relationships with other boys, sometimes, by dressing up and pretending to be a boy and it's all about deep emotions and shit. Needless to say, crappy anime sucks. To prove how awesome Shonen anime is, they decided to make pornographic anime and call it Hentai, which is japanese for, "Let's see some fucking." Hentai is characterized by women with even larger breasts than usual walking around, waiting for some guy to rip off their clothes and make her ride the Tokyo Tower. Sometimes, there's robots in there, but giant robot sex is kinda weird, unless it's two giant women in armor suits licking each other's gargantuan nipples. Then, it just kicks ass. Not to be outdone, crappy anime took the porno route too. What resulted is the greatest abomination known to man. I speak, of course, of Yaoi. Yaoi, which is japanese for, "Permanently Blinded by Cock Swordfight," is when two guys get naked and play fucked up games with each other, like "Whack-an-Ass" or "Bobbing for Scrotums." Not only is Yaoi a revolting sausagefest, it's also boring as hell. No robots. No violence. And titties? Boy, did you ever get off at the wrong street. Just guys kissing other guys - I don't want to see that. Fortunately, Shonen anime is still the predominant genre. Although, there are other types of anime that don't neatly fit into either category. Enter Hayao Miyazaki, a genius in the medium. He creates movies that are works of art. Sure, there may not have lots of violence or gratuitous amounts of hot, busty women, but he brings something special to his work: engaging characters, wonderful storytelling, beautiful artwork, and inspiring musical scores. Each Miyazaki movie is a masterpiece. I can't help but get a little misty eyed every time I watch a Miyazaki film. Don't think that I'm a pussy because of that, though. Anyone who is not moved by Miyazaki's films is a souless douchebag. Anyway, that's the history of anime. I leave you with an intro to two of my all-time favorite Shonen anime. Enjoy.